Today is suppose to be a day of thanks and I am very thankful for what I DO have. I know there are people out there who have it way worse. But a part of me questions how I can truly be thankful when a part of me was taken away. How can I be thankful for something I DON'T have?
This time last year I was still the "innocent" girl who thought she was invincible. Who was so thankful for the life that she was carrying inside of her. It was just a week ago last year that I found out I was having a baby girl. A baby girl that I was suppose to care for, love, cherish and watch grow up.
I remember vividly being on Facebook and writing how thankful I was for what I had and was going to have. Little did I know that just 3 months later my life would turn completely upside down that all my hopes and dreams would be taken away from me.
If you haven't noticed already my heart is very heavy today. This was suppose to be our first thanksgiving with Alyssa. I still can't believe that she's not here. That I can't share her with the world. It's been over 9 months since we've said hello and goodbye all at the same time.
On the flip side there is a new tiny miracle growing inside me. This miracle is what's keeping me hopeful, he is helping me see that there is still beauty in life that while there may be storms that pass through our lives, there are also rainbows after that storm. I'll never forget the storm that passed because it devasted my entire life but seeing this rainbow eases the pain and makes me appreciate what I do have, right here, right now.
I'm sort of at a loss for words today but I wanted to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving. Hoping you are spending the day with the ones you love and even though you may be going through a rough time right now I hope you can find one thing that you are thankful for...There is so much beauty out there in the world.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
39% Viabitliy
I've just reached 24 weeks. In another life I would be ecstatic because that means that my baby just reached viability. That if for whatever reason this baby of mine decided to make its appearance in the world today it would have a 39% chance of survival.
While I know this IS a huge milestone in this journey of mine it still doesn't make me feel better knowing that Alyssa died at 32 weeks. Statistics state that at 32 weeks there is a 95% chance of survival. Bullshit.
I learned the hard way that statistics are just numbers. The only thing that will make me feel comfortable/relieved is when I get to hold this crying baby in my arms.
What I am comforted in knowing is that as I get through each week this baby is getting stronger and is getting ready to make its debut. Can the next 16 weeks just get here already?? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that this baby will be here.
These past 2 years have been such a long hard journey for me. It boggles my mind sometimes knowing that 14 out of the 24 months I've actually been pregnant. Yet no living baby to show for it.
I know what I signed up for...I know this road wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm really proud of how I've approached this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful and optimistic that this time everything will work out in the end. Of course I have my episodes where my mind gets the best of me, but I push those thoughts aside as easily as they come.
As I feel this baby kick more and more each day (and each day I feel they're getting stronger) I fall more deeply in love.
Marlon and I already say just how much he takes after his daddy with the way he kicks away till the wee hours of the morning. It's amazing how different he already is when I compare him to Alyssa. This baby cannot stop moving! I thought I knew his sleeping patterns but then I feel him ALOT. I feel like he barely gets any sleep. Yet with Alyssa, she was so chill, of course she moved alot too but she had a pattern, and I barely saw her move when I would go in for ultrasounds. I remember the tech having to shake my belly just to wake her up. With this baby, the tech couldn't keep up with his movements as he kept moving away from her =)
Anyways, I know I'm almost there...16 weeks really isn't that far from now and with the holidays coming up I'm sure the days will fly by. Not to mention when I start going in for my weekly ultrasounds. I'm sure I'll be writing much more when that happens.
While I know this IS a huge milestone in this journey of mine it still doesn't make me feel better knowing that Alyssa died at 32 weeks. Statistics state that at 32 weeks there is a 95% chance of survival. Bullshit.
I learned the hard way that statistics are just numbers. The only thing that will make me feel comfortable/relieved is when I get to hold this crying baby in my arms.
What I am comforted in knowing is that as I get through each week this baby is getting stronger and is getting ready to make its debut. Can the next 16 weeks just get here already?? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that this baby will be here.
These past 2 years have been such a long hard journey for me. It boggles my mind sometimes knowing that 14 out of the 24 months I've actually been pregnant. Yet no living baby to show for it.
I know what I signed up for...I know this road wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm really proud of how I've approached this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful and optimistic that this time everything will work out in the end. Of course I have my episodes where my mind gets the best of me, but I push those thoughts aside as easily as they come.
As I feel this baby kick more and more each day (and each day I feel they're getting stronger) I fall more deeply in love.
Marlon and I already say just how much he takes after his daddy with the way he kicks away till the wee hours of the morning. It's amazing how different he already is when I compare him to Alyssa. This baby cannot stop moving! I thought I knew his sleeping patterns but then I feel him ALOT. I feel like he barely gets any sleep. Yet with Alyssa, she was so chill, of course she moved alot too but she had a pattern, and I barely saw her move when I would go in for ultrasounds. I remember the tech having to shake my belly just to wake her up. With this baby, the tech couldn't keep up with his movements as he kept moving away from her =)
Anyways, I know I'm almost there...16 weeks really isn't that far from now and with the holidays coming up I'm sure the days will fly by. Not to mention when I start going in for my weekly ultrasounds. I'm sure I'll be writing much more when that happens.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
October Update
I'm turning into a really bad blogger. I apologize for that. I don't know if this is a good sign that I don't need this outlet as much as I used to or if I'm just ignoring the grief I still have (will always have).
Today is the last day of October...where has the month gone? A part of me can't believe how fast this month has gone by and yet another part of me can't believe there is still 17 or so weeks to go before we welcome our new baby. Most importantly I can't believe it's been over 8 months since Alyssa. I feel like a completely different person now. I don't know who I was before Alyssa, days after Alyssa, even a few months ago. I feel like I'm continously changing as I try to find my "new normal".
This past month has been a signifigant month for Marlon and I. This was the month we found out whether we are having a girl or a boy. I personally always knew deep down that I was having a girl based on the fact that I had the same symptoms (which was barely nothing). Going in for our ultrasound was nerve wrecking. I think anytime I go for an ultrasound I always get super nervous just for the simple fact that the Doctor may once again tell me that our baby has no heart beat.
Anyways, the first part of the exam was uneventful, the tech was telling us all the different parts of the anatomy she was looking at which was all normal. Halfway through she asked if we wanted to know the sex and we said yes. It took less then 30 seconds for her to say that she knew what it was.
It's a...................................BOY! (pics below just for proof!)
I was in complete shock. I believe I had my mouth open and just stared at her in disbelief...A boy??? Really!?!?! How could that be? It was suppose to be a girl. But then it hit me, no it's not suppose to be a girl...It was suppose to be Alyssa but it isn't and she's not coming back.
I looked at Marlon and the excitement that he had on his face really melted my heart and I knew that everything was going to be ok. We're having a boy, and we are going to love this baby like no other.
In some ways I think it's a good thing that we're having a boy. If we had another girl I may have put all my hopes and dreams I had for Alyssa into this new baby. This gives me a clean slate, a fresh new start and I am looking forward to it.
I'm not going to lie a part of me is still sad that it isn't a girl. I keep thinking what if I never get a chance to have another girl again. I guess that's really up to GOD. I'm just grateful for what I do have and thank him every single day that he has blessed Marlon and I with another chance at a baby.
I will be 23 weeks this week. I'm feeling the baby kick more often, and the kicks are getting much stronger. Marlon actually just felt him kick the other day which was nice. This baby is so much more active then Alyssa was. I am not sure if its because I'm having a boy or that's just his personality but it gives me great comfort feeling him kick.
This month we also met and had a consultation with a high risk doctor. We now have an action plan for the rest of this pregnancy which also gives me some relief. Starting at 28 weeks I will go for weekly ultrasounds to check the blood flow of the umbilical cord (make sure there is no clotting), as well as go in for Non Stress Tests twice a week.
There is no estimated time of delivery yet but if all goes well we're looking at delivering at 38 or 39 weeks. It's going to be a very hectic time for us once we hit 28 weeks but it's also comforting to know that we will be watched very closely.
That's pretty much it! I'm glad the holidays are coming up since I know time usually flies by. I also know it's going to be bittersweet as this was suppose to Alyssa's first holiday with us. I just hope she's watching over us and knows that her mommy and daddy are trying their very hardest to live their life and we do hope we make her proud.
Lastly I wanted to share a song with you that really hits home. It's a Taylor Swift Song called "Ronan" and it's a true story about a 4 year old who died of cancer. One might ask what can I possibly have in common with a boy who actually lived. The fact is, this parent still had to mourn the loss of her child. Below are the lyricsc that really hit home for me. I've also shared the video as well.
I remember the drive home
When the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming why
Flowers pile up in the worst way
No one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died
And its about to be halloween
You could be anything
You wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day
When I kissed your face
And I whispered in your ear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room
And this hospital grey will just disappear
Today is the last day of October...where has the month gone? A part of me can't believe how fast this month has gone by and yet another part of me can't believe there is still 17 or so weeks to go before we welcome our new baby. Most importantly I can't believe it's been over 8 months since Alyssa. I feel like a completely different person now. I don't know who I was before Alyssa, days after Alyssa, even a few months ago. I feel like I'm continously changing as I try to find my "new normal".
This past month has been a signifigant month for Marlon and I. This was the month we found out whether we are having a girl or a boy. I personally always knew deep down that I was having a girl based on the fact that I had the same symptoms (which was barely nothing). Going in for our ultrasound was nerve wrecking. I think anytime I go for an ultrasound I always get super nervous just for the simple fact that the Doctor may once again tell me that our baby has no heart beat.
Anyways, the first part of the exam was uneventful, the tech was telling us all the different parts of the anatomy she was looking at which was all normal. Halfway through she asked if we wanted to know the sex and we said yes. It took less then 30 seconds for her to say that she knew what it was.
It's a...................................BOY! (pics below just for proof!)
I was in complete shock. I believe I had my mouth open and just stared at her in disbelief...A boy??? Really!?!?! How could that be? It was suppose to be a girl. But then it hit me, no it's not suppose to be a girl...It was suppose to be Alyssa but it isn't and she's not coming back.
I looked at Marlon and the excitement that he had on his face really melted my heart and I knew that everything was going to be ok. We're having a boy, and we are going to love this baby like no other.
In some ways I think it's a good thing that we're having a boy. If we had another girl I may have put all my hopes and dreams I had for Alyssa into this new baby. This gives me a clean slate, a fresh new start and I am looking forward to it.
I'm not going to lie a part of me is still sad that it isn't a girl. I keep thinking what if I never get a chance to have another girl again. I guess that's really up to GOD. I'm just grateful for what I do have and thank him every single day that he has blessed Marlon and I with another chance at a baby.
I will be 23 weeks this week. I'm feeling the baby kick more often, and the kicks are getting much stronger. Marlon actually just felt him kick the other day which was nice. This baby is so much more active then Alyssa was. I am not sure if its because I'm having a boy or that's just his personality but it gives me great comfort feeling him kick.
This month we also met and had a consultation with a high risk doctor. We now have an action plan for the rest of this pregnancy which also gives me some relief. Starting at 28 weeks I will go for weekly ultrasounds to check the blood flow of the umbilical cord (make sure there is no clotting), as well as go in for Non Stress Tests twice a week.
There is no estimated time of delivery yet but if all goes well we're looking at delivering at 38 or 39 weeks. It's going to be a very hectic time for us once we hit 28 weeks but it's also comforting to know that we will be watched very closely.
That's pretty much it! I'm glad the holidays are coming up since I know time usually flies by. I also know it's going to be bittersweet as this was suppose to Alyssa's first holiday with us. I just hope she's watching over us and knows that her mommy and daddy are trying their very hardest to live their life and we do hope we make her proud.
I remember the drive home
When the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming why
Flowers pile up in the worst way
No one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died
And its about to be halloween
You could be anything
You wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day
When I kissed your face
And I whispered in your ear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room
And this hospital grey will just disappear
Sunday, September 30, 2012
September In A Nut Shell
It's been over a month since I last blogged. It's not because I no longer need this outlet and it's not because this new life I'm creating has taken over my grief. The main reason why I haven't written is because every time I do write, I find myself feeling down and depressed.
After Alyssa passed I told myself that if I were to ever get pregnant again that I would try to be the happiest, stress free person that I can be. I don't want this new baby to feel anything but love and happiness.
I still think about Alyssa every day...that's crazy right?!? To think about someone every single day without seeing them this whole time. The reason I'm writing today is because it's the last day of September and I wanted to document everything that's happened this month.
The first was celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's already been two years. I've been with Marlon a total of 10 years now and I really couldn't be any happier. I found a man who I know will literally be there for me through thick and thin. When I was at the lowest point in my life he picked me up and carried me through that dark time. I didn't think I'd ever get to see happiness again, let alone smile again. He doesn't even need to say a word, but just knowing that he's there for me is a comfort in itself. We are the epitome of "through thick and thin" I know we've already hit our lowest point (knock on wood), I just hope we get to enjoy the highest point in our lives soon. Anyways, we celebrated this year by having a lovely dinner.
The second milestone was celebrating my 32nd birthday. It was super low key...It first started off by having a surprise lunch thrown by my friends at work. We ate at this very delicious fried chicken joint. Then the day before my birthday I had lunch with the family and then had dinner with my friends the day of. It was nice to be able to see everyone and was so happy that I was able to celebrate it with the people I love.
It's so hard to imagine that a year ago I was pregnant with Alyssa and I just couldn't wait to celebrate these exact two milestones with her. It's still so hard to accept sometimes. I also know however that this new baby wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Alyssa and for that I am finding a new hopefulness and a new kind of joy.
This month is also a break through month for me. Usually when I see people I don't know and they ask me if I have any children I would say no for the fact that I didn't want to have to get into my whole history plus the fact that I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. Yet, two times this month I have been able to tell people that this is my second child and that my first unfortunately passed away. I myself am comfortable saying it but I do know that this statement makes people feel uncomfortable. In the end I'm just happy that I'm able to acknowledge that Alyssa did exist without feeling like I'm going to break down and cry.
Another thing that I've been trying my hardest to do (as I stated earlier in this post) is to have a stress free pregnancy. I am the type of person who is very emotional and sensitive. I take what people say to literal and care too much about what people think. I wasn't too good at it being pregnant with Alyssa so I made a vow that I will do what ever I can to avoid it this time around. So, if that means that I need to avoid certain people or situations I will for the sake of this baby.
I may seem like I'm completely back to my old self, that because I'm laughing, smiling, and enjoying this pregnancy that I am done grieving. That is so far from the truth. I grieve every single day. I miss Alyssa with all my heart and soul and would honestly give up my own life if I could have saved hers. I don't expect people to understand because I know that they can't unless they've walked in my shoes. There is no formula for grieving a child, I just go with the flow and hope that each day I've made the best possible decisions in my life. I know I'm not perfect and I know I may hurt some feelings along the way but I'm really trying my best to be optimistic instead of diving deep into this black hole in my heart.
I'm grateful for my family for being there for me, we may not have the perfect relationship all the time but I honestly couldn't of asked for better people in my life.
I am grateful for my friends who have been through hell and back with me. For letting me cry, bitch, worry about anything and everything. They don't judge me and they accept me for who I am.
Well that's September in a nutshell. I know it's a jumble of all kinds of things but that's what happens when I don't write for an entire month.
A quick update - Baby Ing is doing wonderful! We've gotten all of the genetics test back and all has come back negative. I am starting to feel the baby kick though it's few and far between right now.
October is going to be an exiciting month as Marlon and I get to find out what we're having! The announcement may come later in the month as I want to make sure friends and family know from us first instead of finding out on this blog. Hope you understand!
After Alyssa passed I told myself that if I were to ever get pregnant again that I would try to be the happiest, stress free person that I can be. I don't want this new baby to feel anything but love and happiness.
I still think about Alyssa every day...that's crazy right?!? To think about someone every single day without seeing them this whole time. The reason I'm writing today is because it's the last day of September and I wanted to document everything that's happened this month.
The first was celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's already been two years. I've been with Marlon a total of 10 years now and I really couldn't be any happier. I found a man who I know will literally be there for me through thick and thin. When I was at the lowest point in my life he picked me up and carried me through that dark time. I didn't think I'd ever get to see happiness again, let alone smile again. He doesn't even need to say a word, but just knowing that he's there for me is a comfort in itself. We are the epitome of "through thick and thin" I know we've already hit our lowest point (knock on wood), I just hope we get to enjoy the highest point in our lives soon. Anyways, we celebrated this year by having a lovely dinner.
The second milestone was celebrating my 32nd birthday. It was super low key...It first started off by having a surprise lunch thrown by my friends at work. We ate at this very delicious fried chicken joint. Then the day before my birthday I had lunch with the family and then had dinner with my friends the day of. It was nice to be able to see everyone and was so happy that I was able to celebrate it with the people I love.
It's so hard to imagine that a year ago I was pregnant with Alyssa and I just couldn't wait to celebrate these exact two milestones with her. It's still so hard to accept sometimes. I also know however that this new baby wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Alyssa and for that I am finding a new hopefulness and a new kind of joy.
This month is also a break through month for me. Usually when I see people I don't know and they ask me if I have any children I would say no for the fact that I didn't want to have to get into my whole history plus the fact that I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. Yet, two times this month I have been able to tell people that this is my second child and that my first unfortunately passed away. I myself am comfortable saying it but I do know that this statement makes people feel uncomfortable. In the end I'm just happy that I'm able to acknowledge that Alyssa did exist without feeling like I'm going to break down and cry.
Another thing that I've been trying my hardest to do (as I stated earlier in this post) is to have a stress free pregnancy. I am the type of person who is very emotional and sensitive. I take what people say to literal and care too much about what people think. I wasn't too good at it being pregnant with Alyssa so I made a vow that I will do what ever I can to avoid it this time around. So, if that means that I need to avoid certain people or situations I will for the sake of this baby.
I may seem like I'm completely back to my old self, that because I'm laughing, smiling, and enjoying this pregnancy that I am done grieving. That is so far from the truth. I grieve every single day. I miss Alyssa with all my heart and soul and would honestly give up my own life if I could have saved hers. I don't expect people to understand because I know that they can't unless they've walked in my shoes. There is no formula for grieving a child, I just go with the flow and hope that each day I've made the best possible decisions in my life. I know I'm not perfect and I know I may hurt some feelings along the way but I'm really trying my best to be optimistic instead of diving deep into this black hole in my heart.
I'm grateful for my family for being there for me, we may not have the perfect relationship all the time but I honestly couldn't of asked for better people in my life.
I am grateful for my friends who have been through hell and back with me. For letting me cry, bitch, worry about anything and everything. They don't judge me and they accept me for who I am.
Well that's September in a nutshell. I know it's a jumble of all kinds of things but that's what happens when I don't write for an entire month.
A quick update - Baby Ing is doing wonderful! We've gotten all of the genetics test back and all has come back negative. I am starting to feel the baby kick though it's few and far between right now.
October is going to be an exiciting month as Marlon and I get to find out what we're having! The announcement may come later in the month as I want to make sure friends and family know from us first instead of finding out on this blog. Hope you understand!
Monday, August 20, 2012
6 months
Happy 6 month birthday Alyssa!
I am no different than any mother who acknowledges their child's montly birthday. The only difference is that I'm giving you this greeting here on earth while you are growing up in heaven.
I can't believe it's already been 6 months since you were born...6 months really isn't that long ago and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. It's crazy to think what I was doing just 6 months and 2 days ago...I was still that innocent young first time mother who was enjoying every single day being pregnant. What I would give to get that innocence back. I feel like I've aged so much since you've left. Gone now is the innocence and is now replaced with reservation.
I've accepted your fate as well as mine. I know that I will always be jaded and I will always greive for you, but there is also a new found wisdom about me that I could of only learned from you.
You've taught me so much in such a short amount of time and they are lessons that I'll carry with me till my dying day. You've made me cherish every day that I wake up in the morning as I now know that life can pass us by with a blink of an eye and with no reason or cause.
I never would of thought that I'd be here today so hopeful of tomorrow as I carry this new life inside of me...your little baby brother or sister. I don't know what life has in store for me in the next 6 months but I do hope that it has something to do with hearing the sweet sound of a baby crying.
I love you so much! Thank you for continuing to guide me through this crazy thing called life. I can't wait till we meet again.
I am no different than any mother who acknowledges their child's montly birthday. The only difference is that I'm giving you this greeting here on earth while you are growing up in heaven.
I can't believe it's already been 6 months since you were born...6 months really isn't that long ago and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. It's crazy to think what I was doing just 6 months and 2 days ago...I was still that innocent young first time mother who was enjoying every single day being pregnant. What I would give to get that innocence back. I feel like I've aged so much since you've left. Gone now is the innocence and is now replaced with reservation.
I've accepted your fate as well as mine. I know that I will always be jaded and I will always greive for you, but there is also a new found wisdom about me that I could of only learned from you.
You've taught me so much in such a short amount of time and they are lessons that I'll carry with me till my dying day. You've made me cherish every day that I wake up in the morning as I now know that life can pass us by with a blink of an eye and with no reason or cause.
I never would of thought that I'd be here today so hopeful of tomorrow as I carry this new life inside of me...your little baby brother or sister. I don't know what life has in store for me in the next 6 months but I do hope that it has something to do with hearing the sweet sound of a baby crying.
I love you so much! Thank you for continuing to guide me through this crazy thing called life. I can't wait till we meet again.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
July 23: Fortunes and a Heartbeat
written 7/23/12 (8 weeks 4 days)
We have a heartbeat!!
Okay I just had to get that off my chest.
This past week and a half has been nerve wrecking. As much as I tried to not think about the worst I just couldn't help but go there, especially when the Dr. tells you there is a "50/50 chance" of having this baby be viable.
So I woke up this morning earlier then normal since I couldn't really sleep. Marlon and I got to the lab right on time and it wasn't long after that we were called. The tech looked at our history before she called us so she knew that we were there just a week and a half ago and we didn't see a baby.
She pretty much told me that there was no need to do the external ultrasound since it's still very early and that we would go straight to the transvaginal ultrasound. The minute the wand was inside we were able to see the sac almost instantly. The tech turned on the speaker and we immediately heard our babies heartbeat. For a minute I thought I was listening to my own and even had to ask her and she said "that's your baby." Ahhh! That was music to my ears!!
Our baby's heartbeat was 172bpm (beats per minute) and according to the tech this was normal. She also said that everything else about the baby was perfect...There is nothing else I'd expect to hear.
It's amazing how one week can make such a difference. In my heart of hearts I knew that there was a little peanut in there and my body was physically telling me that there was too! I am so glad that we were given the good news that we wanted to hear. I couldn't of asked for a more perfect day (other then Alyssa being here with me of course.)
A few weeks ago I mentioned that we all went out to dinner for Marlon's birthday. We ate at this delicious chinese/korean restaurant. At the end of the dinner they gave out fortune cookies. Marlon and I each got a fortune that I swear was totally meant for us...
Marlon's Fortune:
My fortune:
One of our other family members got this fortune, I think it was Mar's dad:
So without further adieu I would like to introduce you all to Baby Ing:
We have a heartbeat!!
Okay I just had to get that off my chest.
This past week and a half has been nerve wrecking. As much as I tried to not think about the worst I just couldn't help but go there, especially when the Dr. tells you there is a "50/50 chance" of having this baby be viable.
So I woke up this morning earlier then normal since I couldn't really sleep. Marlon and I got to the lab right on time and it wasn't long after that we were called. The tech looked at our history before she called us so she knew that we were there just a week and a half ago and we didn't see a baby.
She pretty much told me that there was no need to do the external ultrasound since it's still very early and that we would go straight to the transvaginal ultrasound. The minute the wand was inside we were able to see the sac almost instantly. The tech turned on the speaker and we immediately heard our babies heartbeat. For a minute I thought I was listening to my own and even had to ask her and she said "that's your baby." Ahhh! That was music to my ears!!
Our baby's heartbeat was 172bpm (beats per minute) and according to the tech this was normal. She also said that everything else about the baby was perfect...There is nothing else I'd expect to hear.
It's amazing how one week can make such a difference. In my heart of hearts I knew that there was a little peanut in there and my body was physically telling me that there was too! I am so glad that we were given the good news that we wanted to hear. I couldn't of asked for a more perfect day (other then Alyssa being here with me of course.)
A few weeks ago I mentioned that we all went out to dinner for Marlon's birthday. We ate at this delicious chinese/korean restaurant. At the end of the dinner they gave out fortune cookies. Marlon and I each got a fortune that I swear was totally meant for us...
Marlon's Fortune:
My fortune:
One of our other family members got this fortune, I think it was Mar's dad:
So without further adieu I would like to introduce you all to Baby Ing:
July 15: Letting Nature Take It's Course
written 7/15/12 (7 weeks 3 days)
Last week was an exciting and scary week. We started out by seeing my O.B. last Tuesday, this was the first time we've seen her since Alyssa's passing and I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. To my surprise her reaction was actually very warm. She congratulated us on getting pregnant and is really hoping for the best.
We basically did a lot of talking, she was trying her best to calm my fears but at the same time there really isn't much she can do at this point since I am still very on. Never the less she said that she would write a referral for me to get an ultrasound so that I can ease my fears and see my baby early.
I went ahead and called for an appointment to get an ultrasound and ideally I wanted it to be for next week however because they were booked I had to take an earlier appointment which was last Friday. This ultrasound would barely make me 7 weeks and in my heart I knew that it was early but I've also heard of ladies who have gone in earlier and was able to detect a heart beat.
Friday rolls around and I'm trying to stay as cool as can be. We get to the ultrasound and to make a long story short the tech was only able to detect the gestational sac and yolk sac, but no fetal pole and no heartbeat. A Doctor ended up coming in and basically told me that by looking at the sac I am measuring about 6 and a 1/2 weeks and that in itself is too early too detect anything. He suggested that I come back in a week to check for viability. The Doctor said that at this point we basically have a 50/50 chance.
I left the appointment feeling confused at what to think and how to feel. I've heard about women not being able to see anything in the ultrasound because they came in too early but at the same time I've also known women to come in at 6 weeks and see their little peanut.
My saving grace out of all this is that I have no bleeding or cramping. I am hoping that my dates are off and I am earlier then I thought I was. I am hoping that my rainbow is really in there and she/he is growing and thriving. I go back on the 23rd to check on the growth and check for viability.
At this point there really is nothing I can do. As much as I want to take control of the situation, I can't, and I learned this the hard way when Alyssa died. I know deep down that there is a baby inside me but only time can tell. I just have to let nature take its course. Till then I'm just trying to keep busy and not think about it so much. I have to admit that the first 2 days after the appointment I spent hours online trying to get as much information as possible but what I read on the internet started to scare me even more so I quit cold turkey.
As for how I'm feeling , I still feel the same as I did last week. Severly tired, constantly hungry, I'm getting the icky feeling more than before but not to the point of vomitting (though I did do it once but that was because of the food I ate.) This whole time I've been pregnant I haven't gained one pound yet this past week I ended up gaining a pound and a half!! I must of been really bad this week ;)
On another side note it was Marlon's birthday this past week on the 10th and we had a nice quiet dinner with his family. He also was able to take two weeks off which is RARE and I'm trying to savor this time with him because I know for a fact that the next time he'll be off again for more then 3 days is when this baby is born (hoping that this baby is born.)
Last week was an exciting and scary week. We started out by seeing my O.B. last Tuesday, this was the first time we've seen her since Alyssa's passing and I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. To my surprise her reaction was actually very warm. She congratulated us on getting pregnant and is really hoping for the best.
We basically did a lot of talking, she was trying her best to calm my fears but at the same time there really isn't much she can do at this point since I am still very on. Never the less she said that she would write a referral for me to get an ultrasound so that I can ease my fears and see my baby early.
I went ahead and called for an appointment to get an ultrasound and ideally I wanted it to be for next week however because they were booked I had to take an earlier appointment which was last Friday. This ultrasound would barely make me 7 weeks and in my heart I knew that it was early but I've also heard of ladies who have gone in earlier and was able to detect a heart beat.
Friday rolls around and I'm trying to stay as cool as can be. We get to the ultrasound and to make a long story short the tech was only able to detect the gestational sac and yolk sac, but no fetal pole and no heartbeat. A Doctor ended up coming in and basically told me that by looking at the sac I am measuring about 6 and a 1/2 weeks and that in itself is too early too detect anything. He suggested that I come back in a week to check for viability. The Doctor said that at this point we basically have a 50/50 chance.
I left the appointment feeling confused at what to think and how to feel. I've heard about women not being able to see anything in the ultrasound because they came in too early but at the same time I've also known women to come in at 6 weeks and see their little peanut.
My saving grace out of all this is that I have no bleeding or cramping. I am hoping that my dates are off and I am earlier then I thought I was. I am hoping that my rainbow is really in there and she/he is growing and thriving. I go back on the 23rd to check on the growth and check for viability.
At this point there really is nothing I can do. As much as I want to take control of the situation, I can't, and I learned this the hard way when Alyssa died. I know deep down that there is a baby inside me but only time can tell. I just have to let nature take its course. Till then I'm just trying to keep busy and not think about it so much. I have to admit that the first 2 days after the appointment I spent hours online trying to get as much information as possible but what I read on the internet started to scare me even more so I quit cold turkey.
As for how I'm feeling , I still feel the same as I did last week. Severly tired, constantly hungry, I'm getting the icky feeling more than before but not to the point of vomitting (though I did do it once but that was because of the food I ate.) This whole time I've been pregnant I haven't gained one pound yet this past week I ended up gaining a pound and a half!! I must of been really bad this week ;)
On another side note it was Marlon's birthday this past week on the 10th and we had a nice quiet dinner with his family. He also was able to take two weeks off which is RARE and I'm trying to savor this time with him because I know for a fact that the next time he'll be off again for more then 3 days is when this baby is born (hoping that this baby is born.)
July 6: I Love Me Some Morning Sickness
written 7/6/12 (6 weeks 1 day)
Dear Baby,
You've just reached the 6 week mark!! It's another milestone, another day of being pregnant seems like a huge win for us.
I wish I didn't have to worry about all the things that could go wrong, but I unfortuantely know first hand that it can because it's happend before. My pregnancy this time around is no longer waiting for trimesters to end as a check point. This time around my check points are to hear your heartbeat and see you for the first time on an ultrasound. This will hopefully come within the next week or two.
I felt my first wave of nasuea the other day...It was such a welcomed sign because I've been wanting that reassurance that you're real. It's amazing how my mentality has changed from my first pregnancy to this one. With my first pregnancy I dreaded morning sickness and I'd complain SO much how horrible it felt (even though my MS did not even come close to some other people). Yet, this pregnancy is making me yearn for the sickness...if this MS is a sign that you arre thriving and getting all the nutrients you need then by all means please take what ever you need!
I think your daddy is still a little reserved with his feelings for you. I don't think he wants to really accept that you're real until he sees you. But I can see changes in him here and there. I think the more I get sick the better he feels because he knows you're the reason behind it=)
Please continue to grow and thrive...You are the glimmer of hope that I've been praying for since your big sister left us. I am beyond happy that you decided to appear just months after and I can't wait to see you for the first time.
In the meantime feel free to make your presence known by making me as sick as you want! Don't worry I won't complain =) Love you baby!
Dear Baby,
You've just reached the 6 week mark!! It's another milestone, another day of being pregnant seems like a huge win for us.
I wish I didn't have to worry about all the things that could go wrong, but I unfortuantely know first hand that it can because it's happend before. My pregnancy this time around is no longer waiting for trimesters to end as a check point. This time around my check points are to hear your heartbeat and see you for the first time on an ultrasound. This will hopefully come within the next week or two.
I felt my first wave of nasuea the other day...It was such a welcomed sign because I've been wanting that reassurance that you're real. It's amazing how my mentality has changed from my first pregnancy to this one. With my first pregnancy I dreaded morning sickness and I'd complain SO much how horrible it felt (even though my MS did not even come close to some other people). Yet, this pregnancy is making me yearn for the sickness...if this MS is a sign that you arre thriving and getting all the nutrients you need then by all means please take what ever you need!
I think your daddy is still a little reserved with his feelings for you. I don't think he wants to really accept that you're real until he sees you. But I can see changes in him here and there. I think the more I get sick the better he feels because he knows you're the reason behind it=)
Please continue to grow and thrive...You are the glimmer of hope that I've been praying for since your big sister left us. I am beyond happy that you decided to appear just months after and I can't wait to see you for the first time.
In the meantime feel free to make your presence known by making me as sick as you want! Don't worry I won't complain =) Love you baby!
July 1: 5 week update
written 7/1 (5weeks 3 days)
Well I've reached another week. I know it doesn't seem much but every day that I wake up and know that I'm still pregnant is a blessing to me. I sometimes I wonder if I really am pregnant since I don't really have strong symptoms but I know it's still early and it will probably get stronger in the weeks to come.
The few symptoms that I am having is constant urination, extreme fatigue, constant hunger and a growing waistline line. It's crazy how early I'm starting to show already. I mean I know it's only been 4 months since Alyssa which is causing my uterous to easily expand but come on it's not even 2 months yet! Oh well, I'm not going to complain about it...I'm just blessed to be given this miracle and I'm embracing all that comes with it.
With this growling waistline poses the question on when I will announce this pregnancy. Marlon and I are hesistant to announce so early...We want to wait until we at least see our Dr. to confirm this pregnancy h/ever it's getting very difficult to keep this secret. A part of me wants to scream to the world that it's happend, that Alyssa is going to be a big sister! This is especially true to the family and friends who have shared in this greiving process. I mean they have seen me at my worst and there's nothing more that I want to do then to let them know that there is a ray of light shining through in my life again. But a part of me will always have that fear whether or not this baby will actually make it. I fear that something bad will happen and I will lose another baby and I have to give people bad news once again.
I guess I just have to let things happen when they happen. At the end of the day Marlon and I are ok with telling our nearest and dearest. Afterall, it doesn't make a difference waiting till the second trimester when supposedly your chances of miscarrying drop dramatically and yet I lost Alyssa at 32 weeks, in her third trimester when supposedly she was in the clear.
Our first appointment with the Dr. is on 7/10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday it seems so long from now but it's really only a little over a week. I'm petrified with this appointment, mainly because I'm scared I'm going to hear those words again "I'm sorry but we can't find a heartbeat." I'm trying my hardest to think positive, that what happend with Alyssa was a freak accident, that there is no correlation with what happend to her and this new baby.
I wish to God that I was oblivious to all this...I want my innocence back and really enjoy this experience. Unfortunately I was one of the chosen few but I'll take it and make the most of it. I say that because I now know that this miracle that God gave me will not be taken for granted. I'm going to love this baby just as much as I loved Alyssa. I just wish that Alyssa was here to grow up with her little brother/sister. I'm also a realist and know that this baby wouldn't be here right now if Alyssa hadn't passed. This gift is bittersweet to say the least...I just hope it has a better ending then what happend with Alyssa.
I am only 5 and a half weeks into this pregnancy and I don't know where life will take me but I just hope that at the end of this journey I get to hear the sweet sounds of a baby crying!
Well I've reached another week. I know it doesn't seem much but every day that I wake up and know that I'm still pregnant is a blessing to me. I sometimes I wonder if I really am pregnant since I don't really have strong symptoms but I know it's still early and it will probably get stronger in the weeks to come.
The few symptoms that I am having is constant urination, extreme fatigue, constant hunger and a growing waistline line. It's crazy how early I'm starting to show already. I mean I know it's only been 4 months since Alyssa which is causing my uterous to easily expand but come on it's not even 2 months yet! Oh well, I'm not going to complain about it...I'm just blessed to be given this miracle and I'm embracing all that comes with it.
With this growling waistline poses the question on when I will announce this pregnancy. Marlon and I are hesistant to announce so early...We want to wait until we at least see our Dr. to confirm this pregnancy h/ever it's getting very difficult to keep this secret. A part of me wants to scream to the world that it's happend, that Alyssa is going to be a big sister! This is especially true to the family and friends who have shared in this greiving process. I mean they have seen me at my worst and there's nothing more that I want to do then to let them know that there is a ray of light shining through in my life again. But a part of me will always have that fear whether or not this baby will actually make it. I fear that something bad will happen and I will lose another baby and I have to give people bad news once again.
I guess I just have to let things happen when they happen. At the end of the day Marlon and I are ok with telling our nearest and dearest. Afterall, it doesn't make a difference waiting till the second trimester when supposedly your chances of miscarrying drop dramatically and yet I lost Alyssa at 32 weeks, in her third trimester when supposedly she was in the clear.
Our first appointment with the Dr. is on 7/10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday it seems so long from now but it's really only a little over a week. I'm petrified with this appointment, mainly because I'm scared I'm going to hear those words again "I'm sorry but we can't find a heartbeat." I'm trying my hardest to think positive, that what happend with Alyssa was a freak accident, that there is no correlation with what happend to her and this new baby.
I wish to God that I was oblivious to all this...I want my innocence back and really enjoy this experience. Unfortunately I was one of the chosen few but I'll take it and make the most of it. I say that because I now know that this miracle that God gave me will not be taken for granted. I'm going to love this baby just as much as I loved Alyssa. I just wish that Alyssa was here to grow up with her little brother/sister. I'm also a realist and know that this baby wouldn't be here right now if Alyssa hadn't passed. This gift is bittersweet to say the least...I just hope it has a better ending then what happend with Alyssa.
I am only 5 and a half weeks into this pregnancy and I don't know where life will take me but I just hope that at the end of this journey I get to hear the sweet sounds of a baby crying!
June 23: Dear Baby
written June 23, 2012 (4.3 weeks)
Dear Baby,
Hi - you don't know me yet but I'm your mommy. I learned about you just a few days ago and I couldn't be more excited to have you.
I am writing this lettter to you in secret. You see no on but your daddy and I know that you exsist. As much as we want to tell the whole world that we're going to be parents again, our first baby (your big sister) unfortuantely did not arrive with a happy ending. You see your big sister Alyssa is growing up in heaven. We lost her just 4 months ago and your daddy and I's life have never been the same since.
So as you can see keeping you a secret is something we want to keep and protect. You can say that we are guarded, we really put our heart and soul into it with your sister and it all came crashing down. I hope that as each day goes by I am able to slowly bring my guard down.
I'm sure there will be lots more to update but till then I wanted to let you know that I love you already...I just need you to do whatever you can to grow and thrive so that I can kiss you when I meet you.
Love,
Mom
Dear Baby,
Hi - you don't know me yet but I'm your mommy. I learned about you just a few days ago and I couldn't be more excited to have you.
I am writing this lettter to you in secret. You see no on but your daddy and I know that you exsist. As much as we want to tell the whole world that we're going to be parents again, our first baby (your big sister) unfortuantely did not arrive with a happy ending. You see your big sister Alyssa is growing up in heaven. We lost her just 4 months ago and your daddy and I's life have never been the same since.
So as you can see keeping you a secret is something we want to keep and protect. You can say that we are guarded, we really put our heart and soul into it with your sister and it all came crashing down. I hope that as each day goes by I am able to slowly bring my guard down.
I'm sure there will be lots more to update but till then I wanted to let you know that I love you already...I just need you to do whatever you can to grow and thrive so that I can kiss you when I meet you.
Love,
Mom
June 23: Rambling Saturday
written June 23, 2012
It's been a whole 3 days since I've learned I am carrying my rainbow baby. I don't think it's really sank in on how BIG this news is. I wonder if my mind just won't let me accept this news for fear that this baby may not make it at the end. All I can do is take it day by day and be thankful that there are no signs of miscarriage.
Marlon and I have decided not to tell anyone until we at least go to the doctor and get our first ultra sound; to get proof that our rainbow really is in there. Till then we are keeping this our little secret. It's kind of fun in a way to know a secret so big that no one knows. At the same time I can't wait to tell our family and friends. They have been through the saddest of times with me and I would want nothing more then to finally share some good news! I just hope that this good news comes with a crying baby at the end.
So far I've been doing ok...I sometimes get this "icky" feeling but more then anything I am just really tired. All I feel like doing is laying in bed. My first appointment with our O.B. is on July 10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday. I hope that this appointment confirms the pregnancy and I can give Marlon some good news.
Till then I'm kind of just going about my days as if nothings changed. I don't think my mind will let me dream the way I used to dream. I've been scarred and been hurt way too deep to not let myself get to that place again. It's sad in a way, and I hope that if this pregnancy does continue that I can feel excitement again. This little peanut deserves to have just as much hopefulness, excitement, love as Alyssa did and I do hope that I can give that to him/her.
I don't know what this blog will turn into in the next few weeks/months. At first it was a place for me to go to and write about my grief as well as a place to remember and talk about Alyssa. Now, I see it as a way to update people on the progress of my pregnancy, to document everything that happens no matter what the outcome is.
This by no means replaces Alyssa's space on this blog as I am still grieving for my little girl and wish more then anything that she was here with me, and that I didn't have this memorial blog.
In the end this blog is about a girl who had big dreams only to have them taken away by a cruel twist of fate. This girl learned things about herself that she never knew before and litterally had to pick up pieces of her life that came crumbling down. Now, life has given her another chance, and she is trying her hardest to embrace this new life inside her. It's a struggle but as she lives day to day she's hoping that she becomes more hopeful and more excited.
It's been a whole 3 days since I've learned I am carrying my rainbow baby. I don't think it's really sank in on how BIG this news is. I wonder if my mind just won't let me accept this news for fear that this baby may not make it at the end. All I can do is take it day by day and be thankful that there are no signs of miscarriage.
Marlon and I have decided not to tell anyone until we at least go to the doctor and get our first ultra sound; to get proof that our rainbow really is in there. Till then we are keeping this our little secret. It's kind of fun in a way to know a secret so big that no one knows. At the same time I can't wait to tell our family and friends. They have been through the saddest of times with me and I would want nothing more then to finally share some good news! I just hope that this good news comes with a crying baby at the end.
So far I've been doing ok...I sometimes get this "icky" feeling but more then anything I am just really tired. All I feel like doing is laying in bed. My first appointment with our O.B. is on July 10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday. I hope that this appointment confirms the pregnancy and I can give Marlon some good news.
Till then I'm kind of just going about my days as if nothings changed. I don't think my mind will let me dream the way I used to dream. I've been scarred and been hurt way too deep to not let myself get to that place again. It's sad in a way, and I hope that if this pregnancy does continue that I can feel excitement again. This little peanut deserves to have just as much hopefulness, excitement, love as Alyssa did and I do hope that I can give that to him/her.
I don't know what this blog will turn into in the next few weeks/months. At first it was a place for me to go to and write about my grief as well as a place to remember and talk about Alyssa. Now, I see it as a way to update people on the progress of my pregnancy, to document everything that happens no matter what the outcome is.
This by no means replaces Alyssa's space on this blog as I am still grieving for my little girl and wish more then anything that she was here with me, and that I didn't have this memorial blog.
In the end this blog is about a girl who had big dreams only to have them taken away by a cruel twist of fate. This girl learned things about herself that she never knew before and litterally had to pick up pieces of her life that came crumbling down. Now, life has given her another chance, and she is trying her hardest to embrace this new life inside her. It's a struggle but as she lives day to day she's hoping that she becomes more hopeful and more excited.
June 20: A Rainbow is Conceived
written June 20, 2012
Well folks it happened! Marlon and I are pregnant!! I still can't believe it...
I woke today feeling weird and something inside me just told me to test. Of course with the luck I've been having these past few months I told myself that it was probably negative. As I waited for the test to give me its results, my heart just started beating really fast. The three minutes felt like hours. As I was brushing my teeth I looked down at the test and low and behold it said "Pregnant".
I felt numb neither in a good way nor a bad way. I just stood there and kept staring at the test thinking if I blinked that it would actually say "Not Pregnant" that my mind somehow played a cruel trick on me. I closed my eyes and just took it all in.
Pregnant.
A life is once again growing inside me. Before I shared my news with Marlon I decided to take this time for myself. I walked over to the living room where Alyssa's ashes were and I just stood there staring at the tiny memorial we made for her. I picked up her ashes and with tears in my eyes thanked her. I knew she had some sort of hand in helping me get pregnant. I asked her to please take care of me as I walked this long and scary road. I asked her to bless this new life and protect her baby brother or sister.
I then went to our bed room, got in bed and told Marlon that I had his father's day gift. He said in a slumber "I told you, you didn't have to get me anything" I then said "yes, but I did anyway so you have to see what it is"...he then warily opened his eyes and looked straight at the HPT and for a while he kept saying "I can't see it" and "I don't know what it says", I finally said "what do you think it says if I'm showing you this!!!!"...He then finally really looked at it and said "I told you, you were pregnant."
Ok, so maybe the last few weeks I've been having some pregnancy symptoms but I didn't want myself to think that I was because I'd be crushed if I actually wasn't. Yet, this whole time Marlon kept saying he's sure that I am. Guess he was right with that one!
So as of today I am 3 weeks 6 days and my due date is 2/28/2013. I don't know what the next 8-9 months will hold for me. I'm sure it's going to be a scary ride and I just hope that in the end I have a screaming baby coming out of me. Those cries will be sweet music to my ears.
Well folks it happened! Marlon and I are pregnant!! I still can't believe it...
I woke today feeling weird and something inside me just told me to test. Of course with the luck I've been having these past few months I told myself that it was probably negative. As I waited for the test to give me its results, my heart just started beating really fast. The three minutes felt like hours. As I was brushing my teeth I looked down at the test and low and behold it said "Pregnant".
I felt numb neither in a good way nor a bad way. I just stood there and kept staring at the test thinking if I blinked that it would actually say "Not Pregnant" that my mind somehow played a cruel trick on me. I closed my eyes and just took it all in.
Pregnant.
A life is once again growing inside me. Before I shared my news with Marlon I decided to take this time for myself. I walked over to the living room where Alyssa's ashes were and I just stood there staring at the tiny memorial we made for her. I picked up her ashes and with tears in my eyes thanked her. I knew she had some sort of hand in helping me get pregnant. I asked her to please take care of me as I walked this long and scary road. I asked her to bless this new life and protect her baby brother or sister.
I then went to our bed room, got in bed and told Marlon that I had his father's day gift. He said in a slumber "I told you, you didn't have to get me anything" I then said "yes, but I did anyway so you have to see what it is"...he then warily opened his eyes and looked straight at the HPT and for a while he kept saying "I can't see it" and "I don't know what it says", I finally said "what do you think it says if I'm showing you this!!!!"...He then finally really looked at it and said "I told you, you were pregnant."
Ok, so maybe the last few weeks I've been having some pregnancy symptoms but I didn't want myself to think that I was because I'd be crushed if I actually wasn't. Yet, this whole time Marlon kept saying he's sure that I am. Guess he was right with that one!
So as of today I am 3 weeks 6 days and my due date is 2/28/2013. I don't know what the next 8-9 months will hold for me. I'm sure it's going to be a scary ride and I just hope that in the end I have a screaming baby coming out of me. Those cries will be sweet music to my ears.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Cat's Outta The Bag
What secret have I finally started telling you might ask??
Well everyone, I'm pregnant!! Yes, my dear Alyssa is going to be a big sister.
I just reached twelve weeks yesterday and I do apologize for the late announcement however because I do have close friends and family who often read this blog, I wanted to make sure they heard the news from us first before I announced it here.
This is the main reason why I haven't been writing so much however I have been secretly writing throughout this pregnancy which I will share with you all right after I end this post.
Now that our news is out in the open I feel relieved. It also feels more real the more we tell people. How I'm feeling you ask? I'm scared shitless and yet hopeful at the same time. I want to love this baby with every once of my being but at the same time don't want to open myself up like I did with Alyssa for fear that my hopes and dreams may once again come crashing down.
I no longer look months ahead but instead glad that I made it through another day knowing that my baby is still alive. I pray everynight hoping that this time, I will get the ending that I wanted so desperately with Alyssa.
The one big change in my life this time around is that I no longer stress about the small stuff nor the big stuff if I can help it. It's crazy how things have changed. What would normally drive me crazy no longer fazes me.
I have 28 more weeks to go and GOD knows what a crazy ride this will be. I've already had some freakout moments which you will soon find out but I know that I have GOD on my side, not to mention a very special angel watching out for Marlon and I.
Here is the latest picture of our little gummy bear...Come on you have to admit that this baby of mine sorta looks like one ;)
Alyssa - I can only imagine where you are right now and how carefree you must be...I miss you so much and still think about you on a daily basis. I know that you are looking down at your Daddy and I and consistently watching over us, guiding us. We need you more then ever...We need you to watch over your little baby brother/sister. I know you'll do the best you can. We love you baby girl...
Well everyone, I'm pregnant!! Yes, my dear Alyssa is going to be a big sister.
I just reached twelve weeks yesterday and I do apologize for the late announcement however because I do have close friends and family who often read this blog, I wanted to make sure they heard the news from us first before I announced it here.
This is the main reason why I haven't been writing so much however I have been secretly writing throughout this pregnancy which I will share with you all right after I end this post.
Now that our news is out in the open I feel relieved. It also feels more real the more we tell people. How I'm feeling you ask? I'm scared shitless and yet hopeful at the same time. I want to love this baby with every once of my being but at the same time don't want to open myself up like I did with Alyssa for fear that my hopes and dreams may once again come crashing down.
I no longer look months ahead but instead glad that I made it through another day knowing that my baby is still alive. I pray everynight hoping that this time, I will get the ending that I wanted so desperately with Alyssa.
The one big change in my life this time around is that I no longer stress about the small stuff nor the big stuff if I can help it. It's crazy how things have changed. What would normally drive me crazy no longer fazes me.
I have 28 more weeks to go and GOD knows what a crazy ride this will be. I've already had some freakout moments which you will soon find out but I know that I have GOD on my side, not to mention a very special angel watching out for Marlon and I.
Here is the latest picture of our little gummy bear...Come on you have to admit that this baby of mine sorta looks like one ;)
Alyssa - I can only imagine where you are right now and how carefree you must be...I miss you so much and still think about you on a daily basis. I know that you are looking down at your Daddy and I and consistently watching over us, guiding us. We need you more then ever...We need you to watch over your little baby brother/sister. I know you'll do the best you can. We love you baby girl...
Saturday, July 7, 2012
In My Dreams
In my dreams...
She is here by my side. I can feel her warmth, smell her scent and hear her cries.
She's growing faster then I can even imagine. She is starting to look like her mommy and act more like her Daddy.
She looks at me with those big brown eyes and smiles those heartwarming smiles.
She's running towards me as I pick her up and swing her around with glee.
I tuck her in bed and read her a bed time story. I whisper to her how much I love her, she looks at me, reaches over and puts her hand on my cheek and tells me she loves me too.
In my dreams...
She is here by my side. I can feel her warmth, smell her scent and hear her cries.
She's growing faster then I can even imagine. She is starting to look like her mommy and act more like her Daddy.
She looks at me with those big brown eyes and smiles those heartwarming smiles.
She's running towards me as I pick her up and swing her around with glee.
I tuck her in bed and read her a bed time story. I whisper to her how much I love her, she looks at me, reaches over and puts her hand on my cheek and tells me she loves me too.
In my dreams...
Sad
I usually get inspired to write through songs, quotes, poems. This post is inspired by a song that I've been listening to lately from Maroon 5 called "sad".
This song envokes a sense of sadness in me...He talks about what could of been. How he is scared to know that there may not be another love like he just had. That he is holding on by thin thread.
This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. I'm scared to death that my one chance to have a child is gone and I will never get that chance again. That these past four months I've been holding on by a glimmer of hope. To fill these empty arms that have been aching since Alyssa left.
I'll let you hear the song for yourself...Enjoy!
Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
This song envokes a sense of sadness in me...He talks about what could of been. How he is scared to know that there may not be another love like he just had. That he is holding on by thin thread.
This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. I'm scared to death that my one chance to have a child is gone and I will never get that chance again. That these past four months I've been holding on by a glimmer of hope. To fill these empty arms that have been aching since Alyssa left.
Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Waking Up to Another Day
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write...I promise that I will update you all soon on what's been going on with me. Today I just wanted to write about how I'm doing and as usual how much I'm missing Alyssa.
It's July 1st...Another month has come and gone. I sometimes think what my life would be like if Alyssa was here. What I'd be doing and what stage in her life she'd be. Had she been born on her actual due date then I should still be on maternity leave. I should be enjoying the first few months of motherhood, and complaining how tired I am. I should be bonding with my child. Instead, I'm at home sitting in front of a computer writing about how much I miss my daughter instead of actually being with her.
I'm ok though...really I am! 4 months has really helped me accept what's happend and I'm at peace with it all. I don't think I'm 100% there but I'm getting there...I can feel it. In the early months I used to wake up because I had to wake up. I was in survival mode and only did things because my body told me to. I was in a daze, a zombie if you will. Did I really want to wake up and face another day? No not really. How can someone wake up and go on knowing that their whole life was just ripped away.
Now, I can honestly say that I wake up in the morning because I want to. I wake up each day to let the world know that I've overcome something so tragic and I can live to tell about it.
I wake up each day because I promised Alyssa I would. I told her that I'd make her proud of me that I would live each day like it was my last. That I would know no fear and love like I've never loved before.
I wake up each day hopeful that Marlon and I can be blessed with another child and will actually get to take that child home and raise them like we've always dreamed of.
I wake up each day remembering who I was, what I've gone through and hopeful of where I'm going.
Alyssa - my love, I miss you. I wish I can tell you this in person and I can't wait for the day that we are reunited. I often wonder what that first meeting will be like? Will I know it's you? What will you look like? Will you be the baby that I remember? Or the lovely women you were suppose to grow up to be. Either way, I can't wait for the day when I can look into your eyes, pull you into my arms and tell you how much I love and miss you. Till then I'm living my life just like I promised you I would. Thanks for continuing to look after your daddy and I...We both miss you dearly. Love, Mom
It's July 1st...Another month has come and gone. I sometimes think what my life would be like if Alyssa was here. What I'd be doing and what stage in her life she'd be. Had she been born on her actual due date then I should still be on maternity leave. I should be enjoying the first few months of motherhood, and complaining how tired I am. I should be bonding with my child. Instead, I'm at home sitting in front of a computer writing about how much I miss my daughter instead of actually being with her.
I'm ok though...really I am! 4 months has really helped me accept what's happend and I'm at peace with it all. I don't think I'm 100% there but I'm getting there...I can feel it. In the early months I used to wake up because I had to wake up. I was in survival mode and only did things because my body told me to. I was in a daze, a zombie if you will. Did I really want to wake up and face another day? No not really. How can someone wake up and go on knowing that their whole life was just ripped away.
Now, I can honestly say that I wake up in the morning because I want to. I wake up each day to let the world know that I've overcome something so tragic and I can live to tell about it.
I wake up each day because I promised Alyssa I would. I told her that I'd make her proud of me that I would live each day like it was my last. That I would know no fear and love like I've never loved before.
I wake up each day hopeful that Marlon and I can be blessed with another child and will actually get to take that child home and raise them like we've always dreamed of.
I wake up each day remembering who I was, what I've gone through and hopeful of where I'm going.
Alyssa - my love, I miss you. I wish I can tell you this in person and I can't wait for the day that we are reunited. I often wonder what that first meeting will be like? Will I know it's you? What will you look like? Will you be the baby that I remember? Or the lovely women you were suppose to grow up to be. Either way, I can't wait for the day when I can look into your eyes, pull you into my arms and tell you how much I love and miss you. Till then I'm living my life just like I promised you I would. Thanks for continuing to look after your daddy and I...We both miss you dearly. Love, Mom
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
4 Months
I know I say this a lot but I can't believe how fast time has flown by. I miss Alyssa still, probably now more then ever but somethings been different lately. I feel like I am able to coexist with the fact that she isn't here with me.
I had another dream recently...It's probably got to be the best dream I've had since Alyssa passed. I dreamt that I had another baby, another baby girl and this time she made it out alive. The dream was so clear...I remember my mom coming into my hospital room carrying my daughter and she gave her to me. I stared at her and just memorized her face...she was adorable. I didn't name her in my dream but I knew she was my second child.
Not sure what led me to dream this...but I woke up very happy. I hope that's a sign of what's ahead because I want that happiness. I want to be able to stare into the eyes of my baby and just take everything in.
I think that ever since we received Alyssa's autopsy reports a part of me was finally able to get closure. Before then I was always wondering what was wrong, what happened, and if it will happen again. Now that I know that what happened was so rare that it probably will not happen again, I can finally exhale and start looking forward towards the future.
This dream was a validation of how I want my life to get better, but its really up to me to do so, I feel a change coming and I am so ready for it! I of course will never forget the past, it is after all what has made me who I am today, and despite how bad things got for me I'm actually grateful that I was able to come out of this much stronger and more grateful.
I've also learned to just slow it down. My whole life I've always been eager to get to the next phase in my life. When I was 13 I wanted to be sixteen, then when I turned sixteen I wanted to be eighteen, on and on. Alyssa's passing forced me to stop, when she died it was so hard to get through the day let alone breathe. Now, I'm happy to say that I'm not so anxious. That I can stop, look around and just take everything in.
There is so much to be grateful for. This tragedy could of ruined Marlon and I but instead it has made our relationship so much stronger. This tragedy could of made me run the opposite way from having another child, but it's only made me more determined to try again. This tragedy could of damaged every single friendship I've made since no on would understand what I'm going through but instead I've gotten closer to my friends and know that through think and thin they will be there for me just as I will be there for them.
I always knew that time would help ease the pain but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would actually be hopeful for life this early, it's been 4 months and here I am just waiting to be happy.
I survived the most tragic scenario...Not a lot of people can say that they've been through hell and back but I have! So life, here I am patiently waiting, happiness can't come any sooner...
I had another dream recently...It's probably got to be the best dream I've had since Alyssa passed. I dreamt that I had another baby, another baby girl and this time she made it out alive. The dream was so clear...I remember my mom coming into my hospital room carrying my daughter and she gave her to me. I stared at her and just memorized her face...she was adorable. I didn't name her in my dream but I knew she was my second child.
Not sure what led me to dream this...but I woke up very happy. I hope that's a sign of what's ahead because I want that happiness. I want to be able to stare into the eyes of my baby and just take everything in.
I think that ever since we received Alyssa's autopsy reports a part of me was finally able to get closure. Before then I was always wondering what was wrong, what happened, and if it will happen again. Now that I know that what happened was so rare that it probably will not happen again, I can finally exhale and start looking forward towards the future.
This dream was a validation of how I want my life to get better, but its really up to me to do so, I feel a change coming and I am so ready for it! I of course will never forget the past, it is after all what has made me who I am today, and despite how bad things got for me I'm actually grateful that I was able to come out of this much stronger and more grateful.
I've also learned to just slow it down. My whole life I've always been eager to get to the next phase in my life. When I was 13 I wanted to be sixteen, then when I turned sixteen I wanted to be eighteen, on and on. Alyssa's passing forced me to stop, when she died it was so hard to get through the day let alone breathe. Now, I'm happy to say that I'm not so anxious. That I can stop, look around and just take everything in.
There is so much to be grateful for. This tragedy could of ruined Marlon and I but instead it has made our relationship so much stronger. This tragedy could of made me run the opposite way from having another child, but it's only made me more determined to try again. This tragedy could of damaged every single friendship I've made since no on would understand what I'm going through but instead I've gotten closer to my friends and know that through think and thin they will be there for me just as I will be there for them.
I always knew that time would help ease the pain but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would actually be hopeful for life this early, it's been 4 months and here I am just waiting to be happy.
I survived the most tragic scenario...Not a lot of people can say that they've been through hell and back but I have! So life, here I am patiently waiting, happiness can't come any sooner...
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father's Day
Another many of firsts without Alyssa, this time it's Father's Day. I woke up early this morning and greeted Marlon a happy fathers day. I asked him if he thought he was still a father and he said "I was a father"...those words broke my heart but at the same time I took the time to really explain to him that despite the fact that we don't have Alyssa here with us that doesn't mean he isn't a father. Denying himself the title of "father" means that he is denying Alyssa's existence. Once a father, always a father.
Alyssaa gave us both the gift of parenthood, and I wish nothing more then to give him a living child to raise. Throughout the 4 months since Alyssa passed I'd get glimpses of what Marlon would be like as a father and those glimpses makes me smile and sad all at the same time. Smile because I know what a good and protective father he'd be but sad that he can't put those skills to use just yet.
We will have another child, I know that, and I hope it's sometime soon but until then I'll just have to wait and see glimpses of Marlon as a father.
Alyssaa gave us both the gift of parenthood, and I wish nothing more then to give him a living child to raise. Throughout the 4 months since Alyssa passed I'd get glimpses of what Marlon would be like as a father and those glimpses makes me smile and sad all at the same time. Smile because I know what a good and protective father he'd be but sad that he can't put those skills to use just yet.
We will have another child, I know that, and I hope it's sometime soon but until then I'll just have to wait and see glimpses of Marlon as a father.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Final Moments
I've spent this past weekend letting the news of Alyssa's passing sink in. The news that there was nothing genetically wrong with her, or nothing physically wrong with me. It was just a stroke of bad luck that Alyssa's heart no longer beats. Spending this time to myself is something I needed to do and I'm glad I gave myself this time to do so.
I wonder what Alyssa's last thoughts were before she took her last breath. Was she smiling at hearing the voice of her mommy as she told her daddy how happy she was that she can feel her daughter move inside her? Was she sound asleep, completely content with the world as I rubbed my belly? While I'll never know what she was doing or thinking during those final moments, I can at least say with certainty that Alyssa felt the unconditional love of her mother and for that I hope that she passed away happy.
As I replay her final movements in my mind I can't help but wonder if she knew she wasn't going to make it, I'd like to think that she did know and that she wanted to make her prescence known by moving inside me, her way of saying goodbye if you will.
Had I known that it was the last time I'd feel her move I would of talked to her till she took her last breath. I would of told her how happy she made me, to thank her for showing me what unconditional love truly is. I'd let her know that she would never be forgotten, that I will carry her memory with me for all the days of my life. I hope that she knew no pain, that somehow someway I comforted her during her final hour.
While I was not able to say the things I wanted to say to Alyssa before she died, I am glad I was able to do so after her birth. It was a special moment, it was just the three of us, Marlon, Alyssa, and myself. If no one new any better they would think that it was just a family having some quiet time with their newborn. Little did they know that this time was our final time with our child. That we were holding and talking to Alyssa for the very last time. Any minute from now, we would have to give her back to the nurses and be taken away from us forever.
Those final moments are extremely special for me. It was the only alone time Marlon and I got to spend with her. We had so many visitors when she was born, and I'm so grateful for the people who came to visit us that day. She touched the hearts of so many and I am so glad I got to share them with our nearest and dearest. But that final day is the day I will truly hold special. The only time we got to spend as a family. I'll never forget the look on Marlon's face as he stared down at his daughter with the look of pride. I'll never forget the way he held her and kissed her soft, smooth forehead for the last time.
Just like the Visa commercial:
Hospital Bill: 50K (thank God for insurance)
Funeral Arrangement: $500
Thank you Cards: $30
Those last moments, last touches, last words with Alyssa: Priceless
I'll end it here with a reading that I came across (I changed the name to Alyssa), it brings me peace everytime I read it:
"Born to Fly - An Infant's Journey to God"
A miracle has happened.
A life has begun.
"Are you there, God?"
"Yes, I am here, Alyssa," the Lord whispered
"Where am I?"
"You are in the womb of your mother," God smiled.
"Oh, What is that sound?" Alyssa asked.
"It is the voice of your mother, Alyssa. She is singing to you."
"It's beautiful."
"Yes. She loves you very much," God said.
"I feel warmth on my back," Alyssa whispered.
"Yes, she is rubbing her stomach, caressing you the best she can right now. She is speaking to me, Alyssa. She is asking me to care for you."
"I will kick her back, so she knows I love her, too," Alyssa said excitedly.
God smiled...
"Now what is she saying, God?"
"Your mother is laughing, Alyssa."
"She is happy, isn't she God?"
"Yes, Alyssa. She is happy."
"I hear a different sound, what is that?"
"It is the voice of your dad, Alyssa."
"He sounds strong," Alyssa said.
"Yes," answered God.
"Does he love me, too?"
"More than his own life," God whispered.
"When do I get to see him, God?"
"Not for a while, my child."
"I'm not feeling so well, God."
"I know my child, but soon you will fly."
"I will fly?"
"Yes," God smiled.
"Will my mother fly with me?"
"Someday," God said.
"I think I'm ready," Alyssa whispered.
"I know, my child."
"Is it time to fly now, God?"
"Yes," God said gently, and wiped his eyes.
"When will I see you, God?"
"Very soon, my child."
"Is that my mother and dad?"
"Yes, Alyssa," God said and pulled the child onto his lap.
"Why are they crying?"
"They cry for you, my child," God answered as He wrapped His arms around the girl.
"Why do they cry for me?" Alyssa asked.
"Because they want to hold you in their arms, Alyssa."
"But instead, You hold me in Your arms, huh, God?"
"Yes, child," God said.
"Why does that make them sad, God? I like it in Your arms!"
"They love you very much, Alyssa. It can make a mommy's and daddy's heart sad when they don't get to hold their children - I know how it feels to watch my child die."
"Have I died, God?"
"Just on earth, Alyssa."
"I don't feel dead, I feel very much alive! Watch how fast I can run!" Alyssa crawled down from God's lap.
"Yes, Alyssa, you are fast," God clapped.
"Now watch me fly!" Alyssa said as she soared high.
"You are amazing!" God laughed.
Alyssa settled back in the safety of God's arms and said,"When will my parents fly, God?"
"Someday, my child."
"Will we fly together?"
"Yes, Alyssa, my mark is on their foreheads."
"Good," Alyssa said. "Will you tell them I am safe and happy?"
"I will comfort them, my child."
"Will they be happy again?"
"Yes, child. They will heal."
"And someday we will get to be with you, huh, God?"
"Yes, Alyssa. Someday," God promised.
"I love you, God." Alyssa said as she snuggled close to God.
"I love you too, child," God said as he put His hand on Alyssa's head.
"Take good care of my parents until they fly!" Alyssa said.
"I promise," God whispered.
I wonder what Alyssa's last thoughts were before she took her last breath. Was she smiling at hearing the voice of her mommy as she told her daddy how happy she was that she can feel her daughter move inside her? Was she sound asleep, completely content with the world as I rubbed my belly? While I'll never know what she was doing or thinking during those final moments, I can at least say with certainty that Alyssa felt the unconditional love of her mother and for that I hope that she passed away happy.
As I replay her final movements in my mind I can't help but wonder if she knew she wasn't going to make it, I'd like to think that she did know and that she wanted to make her prescence known by moving inside me, her way of saying goodbye if you will.
Had I known that it was the last time I'd feel her move I would of talked to her till she took her last breath. I would of told her how happy she made me, to thank her for showing me what unconditional love truly is. I'd let her know that she would never be forgotten, that I will carry her memory with me for all the days of my life. I hope that she knew no pain, that somehow someway I comforted her during her final hour.
While I was not able to say the things I wanted to say to Alyssa before she died, I am glad I was able to do so after her birth. It was a special moment, it was just the three of us, Marlon, Alyssa, and myself. If no one new any better they would think that it was just a family having some quiet time with their newborn. Little did they know that this time was our final time with our child. That we were holding and talking to Alyssa for the very last time. Any minute from now, we would have to give her back to the nurses and be taken away from us forever.
Those final moments are extremely special for me. It was the only alone time Marlon and I got to spend with her. We had so many visitors when she was born, and I'm so grateful for the people who came to visit us that day. She touched the hearts of so many and I am so glad I got to share them with our nearest and dearest. But that final day is the day I will truly hold special. The only time we got to spend as a family. I'll never forget the look on Marlon's face as he stared down at his daughter with the look of pride. I'll never forget the way he held her and kissed her soft, smooth forehead for the last time.
Just like the Visa commercial:
Hospital Bill: 50K (thank God for insurance)
Funeral Arrangement: $500
Thank you Cards: $30
Those last moments, last touches, last words with Alyssa: Priceless
I'll end it here with a reading that I came across (I changed the name to Alyssa), it brings me peace everytime I read it:
"Born to Fly - An Infant's Journey to God"
A miracle has happened.
A life has begun.
"Are you there, God?"
"Yes, I am here, Alyssa," the Lord whispered
"Where am I?"
"You are in the womb of your mother," God smiled.
"Oh, What is that sound?" Alyssa asked.
"It is the voice of your mother, Alyssa. She is singing to you."
"It's beautiful."
"Yes. She loves you very much," God said.
"I feel warmth on my back," Alyssa whispered.
"Yes, she is rubbing her stomach, caressing you the best she can right now. She is speaking to me, Alyssa. She is asking me to care for you."
"I will kick her back, so she knows I love her, too," Alyssa said excitedly.
God smiled...
"Now what is she saying, God?"
"Your mother is laughing, Alyssa."
"She is happy, isn't she God?"
"Yes, Alyssa. She is happy."
"I hear a different sound, what is that?"
"It is the voice of your dad, Alyssa."
"He sounds strong," Alyssa said.
"Yes," answered God.
"Does he love me, too?"
"More than his own life," God whispered.
"When do I get to see him, God?"
"Not for a while, my child."
"I'm not feeling so well, God."
"I know my child, but soon you will fly."
"I will fly?"
"Yes," God smiled.
"Will my mother fly with me?"
"Someday," God said.
"I think I'm ready," Alyssa whispered.
"I know, my child."
"Is it time to fly now, God?"
"Yes," God said gently, and wiped his eyes.
"When will I see you, God?"
"Very soon, my child."
"Is that my mother and dad?"
"Yes, Alyssa," God said and pulled the child onto his lap.
"Why are they crying?"
"They cry for you, my child," God answered as He wrapped His arms around the girl.
"Why do they cry for me?" Alyssa asked.
"Because they want to hold you in their arms, Alyssa."
"But instead, You hold me in Your arms, huh, God?"
"Yes, child," God said.
"Why does that make them sad, God? I like it in Your arms!"
"They love you very much, Alyssa. It can make a mommy's and daddy's heart sad when they don't get to hold their children - I know how it feels to watch my child die."
"Have I died, God?"
"Just on earth, Alyssa."
"I don't feel dead, I feel very much alive! Watch how fast I can run!" Alyssa crawled down from God's lap.
"Yes, Alyssa, you are fast," God clapped.
"Now watch me fly!" Alyssa said as she soared high.
"You are amazing!" God laughed.
Alyssa settled back in the safety of God's arms and said,"When will my parents fly, God?"
"Someday, my child."
"Will we fly together?"
"Yes, Alyssa, my mark is on their foreheads."
"Good," Alyssa said. "Will you tell them I am safe and happy?"
"I will comfort them, my child."
"Will they be happy again?"
"Yes, child. They will heal."
"And someday we will get to be with you, huh, God?"
"Yes, Alyssa. Someday," God promised.
"I love you, God." Alyssa said as she snuggled close to God.
"I love you too, child," God said as he put His hand on Alyssa's head.
"Take good care of my parents until they fly!" Alyssa said.
"I promise," God whispered.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Roots Before Branches
I normally don't post twice in a day but I really felt the need to share this song with you all.
Please don't judge but I first found this song while watching Glee...It resonates so well with me because after losing Alyssa I really had to find myself again, and I still continue to learn something about myself.
Losing Alyssa validated a lot of things.
She validated how much I wanted to be a mother.
She validated how a good mother I would of been.
She validated just how strong my marriage is with Marlon.
Most importantly she validated that I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I could be.
Unfortunately I had to learn these things after Alyssa died, believe me I will be the first to say that I am definately counting my blessings.
Here are the lyrics and video to the original song. Enjoy!
Please don't judge but I first found this song while watching Glee...It resonates so well with me because after losing Alyssa I really had to find myself again, and I still continue to learn something about myself.
Losing Alyssa validated a lot of things.
She validated how much I wanted to be a mother.
She validated how a good mother I would of been.
She validated just how strong my marriage is with Marlon.
Most importantly she validated that I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I could be.
Unfortunately I had to learn these things after Alyssa died, believe me I will be the first to say that I am definately counting my blessings.
Here are the lyrics and video to the original song. Enjoy!
Roots Before Branches
- Room For Two
So many things
To do and say
But I can't seem
To find my way
But I wanna know how
I know
I'm meant
For something else
But first
I gotta find myself
But I don't know how
Oh, why do
I reach for the stars
When I don't have wings
To carry me that far?
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
Sometimes
I don't wanna feel
And forget the pain
Is real
Put my head
In the clouds
Oh, start to run
And then I fall
Seein'
I can't get it all
Without my feet
On the ground
There's always a seed
Before there's a rose
The more that it rains
The more I will grow
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
Whatever comes
I know how to take it
Learn to be strong
I won't have to fake it
Oh, you're understandin'
Oh, but when you come
And do it best
There ain't nothin'
To stoppin' east to west
But I'll still
Be standing
I'll be standing
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To do and say
But I can't seem
To find my way
But I wanna know how
I know
I'm meant
For something else
But first
I gotta find myself
But I don't know how
Oh, why do
I reach for the stars
When I don't have wings
To carry me that far?
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
Sometimes
I don't wanna feel
And forget the pain
Is real
Put my head
In the clouds
Oh, start to run
And then I fall
Seein'
I can't get it all
Without my feet
On the ground
There's always a seed
Before there's a rose
The more that it rains
The more I will grow
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
Whatever comes
I know how to take it
Learn to be strong
I won't have to fake it
Oh, you're understandin'
Oh, but when you come
And do it best
There ain't nothin'
To stoppin' east to west
But I'll still
Be standing
I'll be standing
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
I gotta have
Roots before branches
Silver Lining
It's been 3 and a half months...three and a half months not knowing why Alyssa died. Of course I did what any normal person would do, I came to my own conclusions as to why she was gone. Marlon and I assumed that Alyssa sat on her umbilical cord which caused a lack of oxygen and blood supply. I was ok with the outcome, I accepted it, as cruel as life was to give my daughter that outcome I can accept that these things do happen.
Earlier this week I received the call I've been waiting over 3 months to get. A call from my doctor on Alyssa's autposy results, finally a definite answer as to why she isn't here. I honestly didn't know what to expect but a part of me was excited to finally hear from her and to give me the closure I needed.
What I ended up hearing was completely out of left field and has completley thrown me for a loop. Long story short my Dr. told me that she suspects that Alyssa somehow/someway had a stroke. There was nothing wrong with either her or myself but she had a stroke. My Dr. said and I quote "freak accident", she said that in all her years of medicine there was only one other person who had a similar case. Unfortunately these are just speculations and she was sorry to tell me that I will not have a definite answer.
This doesn't make any sense. Umbilical cord accidents I can see, as rare as something like that is to happen, it at least happens to more people then my case. I am so dumbfounded, my daughter could be here right now, she was perfectly healthy as was I. Nothing makes sense to me anymore and I am really angry at life right now. This is the time where I question why me?
The last couple days have been really hard. I received the physical autopsy reports yesterday and all I could do was read every single detail of my daughter. Every line it showed how normal everything was, how on point she was with her size and age. There was no sign that something was wrong and there shouldn't have been because nothing was wrong with her. She was perfect, I guess she was too perfect that she didn't belong here on earth.
Reading this piece of paper, listed things about my daughter that I didn't even know about. How she has a bluish mark on her back, probably her birthmark which is also similar to her daddy's. The size of her feet,etc... Instead of getting to know all these tiny details on my own I had to read it on a piece of paper. The worst part of all this in envisioning my baby on a cold table being cut open and examined; not as a person but as a case number.
The good thing that came out of this; the silver lining, is that what happend to Alyssa was so rare that my Dr. was confident enough to say that it will not happen again. That because I was normal that there is nothing that I should do the next time to prevent this from happening. The good thing also is that the next time I will be considered high risk and will be "watched like a hawk." It's comforting but also sad to know that it took Alyssa's life to get the attention I need from these doctors.
Glass half full is the mentality I am striving for. Out of all the outcomes out there this is the best possible outcome. That I can go into the next pregnancy without worrying that my next baby might have the same outcome as Alyssa. The silver lining out of something so dark and tragic.
I have to accept that not everyones life is full of joy. Unfortunately some people get the short end of the stick and I unfortunately am one of them. But I can either succomb to this or come out of the ashes stronger then ever before. I choose the latter.
Alyssa - I need some time to process this news but I think I can finally put some closure as to why you are gone. Even though these aren't concrete reasons, it doesn't change the fact that you aren't here with me. I have to close this part of my life and look forward towards the future.
I want you to know that you will never be forgotten...Till this day I think about you every minute of every day. You will always hold a special place in my heart. You are after all my first born child. I am looking forward to the future not to replace you but to grow this family that your daddy and I long for. I know that you are watching over us, and I can only hope that we are blessed with another child in the near future. Your siblings will grow up knowing that they have an older sister in heaven watching over them. I love you baby.
Earlier this week I received the call I've been waiting over 3 months to get. A call from my doctor on Alyssa's autposy results, finally a definite answer as to why she isn't here. I honestly didn't know what to expect but a part of me was excited to finally hear from her and to give me the closure I needed.
What I ended up hearing was completely out of left field and has completley thrown me for a loop. Long story short my Dr. told me that she suspects that Alyssa somehow/someway had a stroke. There was nothing wrong with either her or myself but she had a stroke. My Dr. said and I quote "freak accident", she said that in all her years of medicine there was only one other person who had a similar case. Unfortunately these are just speculations and she was sorry to tell me that I will not have a definite answer.
This doesn't make any sense. Umbilical cord accidents I can see, as rare as something like that is to happen, it at least happens to more people then my case. I am so dumbfounded, my daughter could be here right now, she was perfectly healthy as was I. Nothing makes sense to me anymore and I am really angry at life right now. This is the time where I question why me?
The last couple days have been really hard. I received the physical autopsy reports yesterday and all I could do was read every single detail of my daughter. Every line it showed how normal everything was, how on point she was with her size and age. There was no sign that something was wrong and there shouldn't have been because nothing was wrong with her. She was perfect, I guess she was too perfect that she didn't belong here on earth.
Reading this piece of paper, listed things about my daughter that I didn't even know about. How she has a bluish mark on her back, probably her birthmark which is also similar to her daddy's. The size of her feet,etc... Instead of getting to know all these tiny details on my own I had to read it on a piece of paper. The worst part of all this in envisioning my baby on a cold table being cut open and examined; not as a person but as a case number.
The good thing that came out of this; the silver lining, is that what happend to Alyssa was so rare that my Dr. was confident enough to say that it will not happen again. That because I was normal that there is nothing that I should do the next time to prevent this from happening. The good thing also is that the next time I will be considered high risk and will be "watched like a hawk." It's comforting but also sad to know that it took Alyssa's life to get the attention I need from these doctors.
Glass half full is the mentality I am striving for. Out of all the outcomes out there this is the best possible outcome. That I can go into the next pregnancy without worrying that my next baby might have the same outcome as Alyssa. The silver lining out of something so dark and tragic.
I have to accept that not everyones life is full of joy. Unfortunately some people get the short end of the stick and I unfortunately am one of them. But I can either succomb to this or come out of the ashes stronger then ever before. I choose the latter.
Alyssa - I need some time to process this news but I think I can finally put some closure as to why you are gone. Even though these aren't concrete reasons, it doesn't change the fact that you aren't here with me. I have to close this part of my life and look forward towards the future.
I want you to know that you will never be forgotten...Till this day I think about you every minute of every day. You will always hold a special place in my heart. You are after all my first born child. I am looking forward to the future not to replace you but to grow this family that your daddy and I long for. I know that you are watching over us, and I can only hope that we are blessed with another child in the near future. Your siblings will grow up knowing that they have an older sister in heaven watching over them. I love you baby.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
New Set of Vocabulary
Rainbows, Angels, Peace, Hugs, and Stillborn these are common enough words for everyone to know and understand its meaning, but for the past 3 months I've used these words more in my life then I ever have before. More importantly these words hold more meaning to me as I fight to live another day without my child.
Rainbows - To a normal person this is something you see after a storm. For someone like me they are a child born after the loss of a previous child. Something beautiful that comes out of something so horrible. I haven't seen this rainbow yet but I dream of it often. I wonder when and if that time will come, whether I'll actually get to see it, hold it, carry it, grow old with it. My future rainbow is what keeps me hopeful and gets me through the days.
Angels - I don't think I've ever used the word angel in a sentence more then 5 times in one year. Yet, after Alyssa I can't even count how many times I've used this word. This is who Alyssa is now, she's an angel who was born with wings...She is up in heaven playing with other angel babies. Her beautiful soul left her earthly body. People say that we are all here to learn our life lessons, and when we're done learning we leave this earth and return to heaven. Alyssa barely made it to 8 months inside my womb, I guess her life lesson was to know what true love felt like because that was the only thing she ever knew and felt.
Peace - Peace is the one feeling I yearn for...My mind is filled with so many emotions and at times they come at me all at once. At times I do feel that sense of peace but it doesn't last long as one of my many emotions comes rushing back. I wanna be at peace with what happend. I don't want to feel anger, I don't want to feel sorrow. These feelings are very heavy and weigh down on my heart. It gets very tiring after a while. They say time heals all things, so I'm hoping and waiting for that time to come where I can think of Alyssa and smile instead of cry.
Hugs - is a term that I've been saying a lot, especially when I write to other angel mommies. We are a part of a very ugly, cruel club which we never opted to join but we're in it none the less. These women are the strongest of women as they too continue to live out their days without the child they love. I wouldn't know where I'd be without these women. While I havne't met any one of them, we share a common bond and know exactly what the other is going through. I write Hugs to these ladies to let them know that I'm there for them as they have been there for me.
Stillborn - A term that I've heard of, and knew people who've experienced it, but never in a million years did I think I'd put myself and stillborn in the same sentence. I always wondered who came up with that word "stillborn", was it because they didn't move when they were born? While this may be true, I personally would like to think of Alyssa not so much as stillborn, but the fact that she was born still.
Rainbows - To a normal person this is something you see after a storm. For someone like me they are a child born after the loss of a previous child. Something beautiful that comes out of something so horrible. I haven't seen this rainbow yet but I dream of it often. I wonder when and if that time will come, whether I'll actually get to see it, hold it, carry it, grow old with it. My future rainbow is what keeps me hopeful and gets me through the days.
Angels - I don't think I've ever used the word angel in a sentence more then 5 times in one year. Yet, after Alyssa I can't even count how many times I've used this word. This is who Alyssa is now, she's an angel who was born with wings...She is up in heaven playing with other angel babies. Her beautiful soul left her earthly body. People say that we are all here to learn our life lessons, and when we're done learning we leave this earth and return to heaven. Alyssa barely made it to 8 months inside my womb, I guess her life lesson was to know what true love felt like because that was the only thing she ever knew and felt.
Peace - Peace is the one feeling I yearn for...My mind is filled with so many emotions and at times they come at me all at once. At times I do feel that sense of peace but it doesn't last long as one of my many emotions comes rushing back. I wanna be at peace with what happend. I don't want to feel anger, I don't want to feel sorrow. These feelings are very heavy and weigh down on my heart. It gets very tiring after a while. They say time heals all things, so I'm hoping and waiting for that time to come where I can think of Alyssa and smile instead of cry.
Hugs - is a term that I've been saying a lot, especially when I write to other angel mommies. We are a part of a very ugly, cruel club which we never opted to join but we're in it none the less. These women are the strongest of women as they too continue to live out their days without the child they love. I wouldn't know where I'd be without these women. While I havne't met any one of them, we share a common bond and know exactly what the other is going through. I write Hugs to these ladies to let them know that I'm there for them as they have been there for me.
Stillborn - A term that I've heard of, and knew people who've experienced it, but never in a million years did I think I'd put myself and stillborn in the same sentence. I always wondered who came up with that word "stillborn", was it because they didn't move when they were born? While this may be true, I personally would like to think of Alyssa not so much as stillborn, but the fact that she was born still.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Signs
Dear Alyssa,
This has been a tough week for me. For some reason I missed you more this week then I ever have. Maybe it's because I returned to work after being gone for 3 months, and getting back into a routine without you is making me miss you so much more. The good thing is that going to work is keeping me busy. Two significant things happend this week which I have a feeling you had something to do with.
The first, was me noticing something on my co-worker Susan's computer. I had to stop her in mid conversation because something on her screen caught my eye. What I saw stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't believe what I saw, and the minute I saw it, I knew it was a sign from you. It was a hand drawn picture of a rainbow and underneath it said "if you wish for a life without the pain then you'll never see the beauty of a rainbow after the rain." Thank you baby girl for sending me that sign and letting me know you are continuing to look after me. I do hope to be blessed one day with a rainbow, and I'll know that the beauty of my rainbow will outweigh all the pain I've ever experienced.
This has been a tough week for me. For some reason I missed you more this week then I ever have. Maybe it's because I returned to work after being gone for 3 months, and getting back into a routine without you is making me miss you so much more. The good thing is that going to work is keeping me busy. Two significant things happend this week which I have a feeling you had something to do with.
The first, was me noticing something on my co-worker Susan's computer. I had to stop her in mid conversation because something on her screen caught my eye. What I saw stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't believe what I saw, and the minute I saw it, I knew it was a sign from you. It was a hand drawn picture of a rainbow and underneath it said "if you wish for a life without the pain then you'll never see the beauty of a rainbow after the rain." Thank you baby girl for sending me that sign and letting me know you are continuing to look after me. I do hope to be blessed one day with a rainbow, and I'll know that the beauty of my rainbow will outweigh all the pain I've ever experienced.
The second thing that happend this week (actually happend today) was an email I received. Months after you left I spent a lot of time on the internet surfing anything and everything about baby/infant loss. I came across a website called names in the sand. This lady named Carly (who unfortunately also lost a child herself) goes to a beach in Australia and each day she writes on the sand, names of children like yourself who grew wings and are now living in heaven. She then photographs them and posts them on her blog. Unfortunately there was a super long wait list, hundreds of people it seemed. I put in the request assuming it would take months for her to get to me. Anyways, it didn't take more then a month and I was super excited when I got the email. I knew it was going to be beautiful even before I opened the email, but what I saw was beyond words. Not only was it the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen, it was also a purple sunset! I know it was you who painted this sunset for me, and I couldn't be more grateful...
"At the end of the day all the children of heaven come together to paint the colors of the sunset."
-Carly Marie Dudley
This week could of gone real bad real quick but it seems like every time I'm close to getting there I receive a sign from you telling me to not give up, that you are with me and that you will carry me through this. Thank you so much because there are some days where I honestly don't know how to go on. Anyone who hasn't experienced losing a child has no idea how painful, lost, and alone one can feel. I felt that this week, but I'm glad you've reached out to me to let me know you're with me. I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Reflections
At one point Alyssa made me the happiest person in the entire world. Finally! I actually get to be a mother, and I'll be a damn good one too. That happiness is now gone and is replaced with a sadness that I would never wish upon anyone else. It sometimes takes my breath away and I have to hold on for dear life just to make it through the day. The happiest time in my life also turned out to be the worst.
Alyssa was so easy to care for that I felt confident every single day I was carrying her...I told myself "I got this...This pregnancy thing is a breeze!" Who knew that meeting Alyssa for the first time was also the same time I had to learn to say goodbye. My confidence has been replaced with a fear that's so indescribable that if it had a face, it would scare everyone half to death. Life, took my smug attitude and showed me a thing or two...Never again will I have that confidence that nothing bad can happen to me, because it has and damn it fucking hurts.
Alyssa had her whole life planned out (by myself of course!), I often dreamt about her first play dates with baby Audrey and baby Aiden, her first birthday, first day of school, prom, her first boyfriend and first heartache, her wedding, and her future children. That optimism has been shattered and is now replaced with me scratching and crawling just to make it through the day...It's sad to say but my dreams have succumbed to living day to day.
This is the new person that I have to get used to being. I can never be the same person I was before Alyssa left. My new normal consists of an empty hole in my heart... People may think that I'm doing well and some days I am, but they don't know that my insides are yearning for this child that I've lost, I will always yearn for my child that left much too soon. My child that I'll never get to hold again, kiss again, hug again. Instead of raising my child here on earth, I am missing my child living in heaven.
Alyssa was so easy to care for that I felt confident every single day I was carrying her...I told myself "I got this...This pregnancy thing is a breeze!" Who knew that meeting Alyssa for the first time was also the same time I had to learn to say goodbye. My confidence has been replaced with a fear that's so indescribable that if it had a face, it would scare everyone half to death. Life, took my smug attitude and showed me a thing or two...Never again will I have that confidence that nothing bad can happen to me, because it has and damn it fucking hurts.
Alyssa had her whole life planned out (by myself of course!), I often dreamt about her first play dates with baby Audrey and baby Aiden, her first birthday, first day of school, prom, her first boyfriend and first heartache, her wedding, and her future children. That optimism has been shattered and is now replaced with me scratching and crawling just to make it through the day...It's sad to say but my dreams have succumbed to living day to day.
This is the new person that I have to get used to being. I can never be the same person I was before Alyssa left. My new normal consists of an empty hole in my heart... People may think that I'm doing well and some days I am, but they don't know that my insides are yearning for this child that I've lost, I will always yearn for my child that left much too soon. My child that I'll never get to hold again, kiss again, hug again. Instead of raising my child here on earth, I am missing my child living in heaven.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
A Dream I Once Had
I go to bed every night hoping and wishing that I dream of Alyssa. This is the only way I can really feel her with me and the only way I feel she can connect to me. So far in the 2 and a half months since she's passed I've only had 1 dream of her, until the other night that is...
It was a vague dream but I remember that she was in it. She unfortunately was not alive in my dream but what I loved about that dream was that I was able to answer a question that's been nagging at me...I found out what color her eyes were! Since I never got the chance to see her open her eyes I always wondered if she had dark brown eyes like her mommy or light brown eyes like her daddy. Well according to my dream she had dark brown eyes but in the sun her eyes turned a lighter brown.
I woke up from that dream with a sense of peace. Finally an answer to a question that's been tormenting me. What I'd give to see her open her eyes and to hear her voice. A good friend told me that her voice is anything that sounds beautiful. I like that.
Lately, I've been listening to this song that fits exactly what I'm thinking/feeling. I wrote down the words here:
It was a vague dream but I remember that she was in it. She unfortunately was not alive in my dream but what I loved about that dream was that I was able to answer a question that's been nagging at me...I found out what color her eyes were! Since I never got the chance to see her open her eyes I always wondered if she had dark brown eyes like her mommy or light brown eyes like her daddy. Well according to my dream she had dark brown eyes but in the sun her eyes turned a lighter brown.
I woke up from that dream with a sense of peace. Finally an answer to a question that's been tormenting me. What I'd give to see her open her eyes and to hear her voice. A good friend told me that her voice is anything that sounds beautiful. I like that.
Lately, I've been listening to this song that fits exactly what I'm thinking/feeling. I wrote down the words here:
See you Again - Carrie Underwood
Said goodbye, turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun,
Slipped away
But I won’t cry
Cause I know I’ll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow
[Chorus]
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again
I can hear those echoes in the wind at night
Calling me back in time
Back to you
In a place far away
Where the water meets the sky
The thought of it makes me smile
You are my tomorrow
[Chorus]
Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I’ll see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, yeah yeah
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again
Till I see you again,
Till I see you again,
Said goodbye turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun,
Slipped away
But I won’t cry
Cause I know I’ll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow
[Chorus]
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again
I can hear those echoes in the wind at night
Calling me back in time
Back to you
In a place far away
Where the water meets the sky
The thought of it makes me smile
You are my tomorrow
[Chorus]
Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I’ll see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, yeah yeah
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again
Till I see you again,
Till I see you again,
Said goodbye turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Till I see you again my baby girl...Hopefully tonight in my dreams.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Life After Alyssa
The three month mark is vast approaching, there's so much that's happend and with it came so many emotions. I went from being pregnant, finding out my baby died, having surgery to deliver my baby, and saying hello and goodbye to an angel. I went from feeling like my world just came crumbling down, to now looking at life from a new perspective. A second chance to live my life like I've never lived it before. To be hopeful of the future and it's wonderful possibilities.
I've done so much in the last 3 months...I planned my baby's funeral, had a celebration of life luncheon with family and friends, took a week long vacation to Italy, went to Napa, went to Tahoe, took long walks on the beach. I managed to get through Alyssa's due date as well as Mother's day and I am still here standing.
Anyways, that's my shpeal...Here are some snapshots of whats happend these past 3 months...
People dream of angels...I held one in my arms...
My Baby...
Our one and only family portrait
No parent should ever have to attend one of these...
Visiting St. Peter's Square ~ Vatican City
Walking the streets of Rome
Trevi Fountain~ Rome
Marlon and I on a gondola~ Venice
Enjoying our gondola ride ~ Venice
At the Rialto Bridge looking over the grand canal~ Venice
I've done so much in the last 3 months...I planned my baby's funeral, had a celebration of life luncheon with family and friends, took a week long vacation to Italy, went to Napa, went to Tahoe, took long walks on the beach. I managed to get through Alyssa's due date as well as Mother's day and I am still here standing.
Anyways, that's my shpeal...Here are some snapshots of whats happend these past 3 months...
People dream of angels...I held one in my arms...
My Baby...
Our one and only family portrait
No parent should ever have to attend one of these...
Celebration of Alyssa's brief life...
Visiting the Colosseum ~ Rome
Enjoying some Gelato in the streets of Rome
Visiting St. Peter's Square ~ Vatican City
Sistine Chapel~ this pic does not do it justice
Walking the streets of Rome
Trevi Fountain~ Rome
Marlon and I on a gondola~ Venice
Enjoying our gondola ride ~ Venice
At the Rialto Bridge looking over the grand canal~ Venice
Lighting a candle at St. Peter and Paul in honor of Alyssa's due date
Enjoying dinner and watching the sunset ~ Pacifica
Saovanh and I enjoying a nice day in Napa
Marlon and I enjoying a nice walk at Sunset Beach
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