September In A Nut Shell

It's been over a month since I last blogged.  It's not because I no longer need this outlet and it's not because this new life I'm creating has taken over my grief.  The main reason why I haven't written is because every time I do write, I find myself feeling down and depressed. 

After Alyssa passed I told myself that if I were to ever get pregnant again that I would try to be the happiest, stress free person that I can be.  I don't want this new baby to feel anything but love and happiness.

I still think about Alyssa every day...that's crazy right?!?  To think about someone every single day without seeing them this whole time.  The reason I'm writing today is because it's the last day of September and I wanted to document everything that's happened this month.

The first was celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary.  I can't believe it's already been two years.  I've been with Marlon a total of 10 years now and I really couldn't be any happier.  I found a man who I know will literally be there for me through thick and thin.  When I was at the lowest point in my life he picked me up and carried me through that dark time.  I didn't think I'd ever get to see happiness again, let alone smile again.  He doesn't even need to say a word, but just knowing that he's there for me is a comfort in itself.  We are the epitome of "through thick and thin" I know we've already hit our lowest point (knock on wood), I just hope we get to enjoy the highest point in our lives soon.  Anyways, we celebrated this year by having a lovely dinner. 

The second milestone was celebrating my 32nd birthday.  It was super low key...It first started off by having a surprise lunch thrown by my friends at work.  We ate at this very delicious fried chicken joint.  Then the day before my birthday I had lunch with the family and then had dinner with my friends the day of.  It was nice to be able to see everyone and was so happy that I was able to celebrate it with the people I love.

It's so hard to imagine that a year ago I was pregnant with Alyssa and I just couldn't wait to celebrate these exact two milestones with her.  It's still so hard to accept sometimes.  I also know however that this new baby wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Alyssa and for that I am finding a new hopefulness and a new kind of joy.

This month is also a break through month for me.  Usually when I see people I don't know and they ask me if I have any children I would say no for the fact that I didn't want to have to get into my whole history plus the fact that I didn't want to make people uncomfortable.  Yet, two times this month I have been able to tell people that this is my second child and that my first unfortunately passed away.  I myself am comfortable saying it but I do know that this statement makes people feel uncomfortable.  In the end I'm just happy that I'm able to acknowledge that Alyssa did exist without feeling like I'm going to break down and cry.

Another thing that I've been trying my hardest to do (as I stated earlier in this post) is to have a stress free pregnancy.  I am the type of person who is very emotional and sensitive.  I take what people say to literal and care too much about what people think.  I wasn't too good at it being pregnant with Alyssa so I made a vow that I will do what ever I can to avoid it this time around.  So, if that means that I need to avoid certain people or situations I will for the sake of this baby.

I may seem like I'm completely back to my old self, that because I'm laughing, smiling, and enjoying this pregnancy that I am done grieving.  That is so far from the truth.  I grieve every single day.  I miss Alyssa with all my heart and soul and would honestly give up my own life if I could have saved hers.  I don't expect people to understand because I know that they can't unless they've walked in my shoes.  There is no formula for grieving a child, I just go with the flow and hope that each day I've made the best possible decisions in my life.  I know I'm not perfect and I know I may hurt some feelings along the way but I'm really trying my best to be optimistic instead of diving deep into this black hole in my heart.   

I'm grateful for my family for being there for me, we may not have the perfect relationship all the time but I honestly couldn't of asked for better people in my life.

I am grateful for my friends who have been through hell and back with me.  For letting me cry, bitch, worry about anything and everything.  They don't judge me and they accept me for who I am.

Well that's September in a nutshell.  I know it's a jumble of all kinds of things but that's what happens when I don't write for an entire month.

A quick update - Baby Ing is doing wonderful!  We've gotten all of the genetics test back and all has come back negative.  I am starting to feel the baby kick though it's few and far between right now. 

October is going to be an exiciting month as Marlon and I get to find out what we're having!  The announcement may come later in the month as I want to make sure friends and family know from us first instead of finding out on this blog. Hope you understand!