I know I say this a lot but I can't believe how fast time has flown by. I miss Alyssa still, probably now more then ever but somethings been different lately. I feel like I am able to coexist with the fact that she isn't here with me.
I had another dream recently...It's probably got to be the best dream I've had since Alyssa passed. I dreamt that I had another baby, another baby girl and this time she made it out alive. The dream was so clear...I remember my mom coming into my hospital room carrying my daughter and she gave her to me. I stared at her and just memorized her face...she was adorable. I didn't name her in my dream but I knew she was my second child.
Not sure what led me to dream this...but I woke up very happy. I hope that's a sign of what's ahead because I want that happiness. I want to be able to stare into the eyes of my baby and just take everything in.
I think that ever since we received Alyssa's autopsy reports a part of me was finally able to get closure. Before then I was always wondering what was wrong, what happened, and if it will happen again. Now that I know that what happened was so rare that it probably will not happen again, I can finally exhale and start looking forward towards the future.
This dream was a validation of how I want my life to get better, but its really up to me to do so, I feel a change coming and I am so ready for it! I of course will never forget the past, it is after all what has made me who I am today, and despite how bad things got for me I'm actually grateful that I was able to come out of this much stronger and more grateful.
I've also learned to just slow it down. My whole life I've always been eager to get to the next phase in my life. When I was 13 I wanted to be sixteen, then when I turned sixteen I wanted to be eighteen, on and on. Alyssa's passing forced me to stop, when she died it was so hard to get through the day let alone breathe. Now, I'm happy to say that I'm not so anxious. That I can stop, look around and just take everything in.
There is so much to be grateful for. This tragedy could of ruined Marlon and I but instead it has made our relationship so much stronger. This tragedy could of made me run the opposite way from having another child, but it's only made me more determined to try again. This tragedy could of damaged every single friendship I've made since no on would understand what I'm going through but instead I've gotten closer to my friends and know that through think and thin they will be there for me just as I will be there for them.
I always knew that time would help ease the pain but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would actually be hopeful for life this early, it's been 4 months and here I am just waiting to be happy.
I survived the most tragic scenario...Not a lot of people can say that they've been through hell and back but I have! So life, here I am patiently waiting, happiness can't come any sooner...
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father's Day
Another many of firsts without Alyssa, this time it's Father's Day. I woke up early this morning and greeted Marlon a happy fathers day. I asked him if he thought he was still a father and he said "I was a father"...those words broke my heart but at the same time I took the time to really explain to him that despite the fact that we don't have Alyssa here with us that doesn't mean he isn't a father. Denying himself the title of "father" means that he is denying Alyssa's existence. Once a father, always a father.
Alyssaa gave us both the gift of parenthood, and I wish nothing more then to give him a living child to raise. Throughout the 4 months since Alyssa passed I'd get glimpses of what Marlon would be like as a father and those glimpses makes me smile and sad all at the same time. Smile because I know what a good and protective father he'd be but sad that he can't put those skills to use just yet.
We will have another child, I know that, and I hope it's sometime soon but until then I'll just have to wait and see glimpses of Marlon as a father.
Alyssaa gave us both the gift of parenthood, and I wish nothing more then to give him a living child to raise. Throughout the 4 months since Alyssa passed I'd get glimpses of what Marlon would be like as a father and those glimpses makes me smile and sad all at the same time. Smile because I know what a good and protective father he'd be but sad that he can't put those skills to use just yet.
We will have another child, I know that, and I hope it's sometime soon but until then I'll just have to wait and see glimpses of Marlon as a father.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Final Moments
I've spent this past weekend letting the news of Alyssa's passing sink in. The news that there was nothing genetically wrong with her, or nothing physically wrong with me. It was just a stroke of bad luck that Alyssa's heart no longer beats. Spending this time to myself is something I needed to do and I'm glad I gave myself this time to do so.
I wonder what Alyssa's last thoughts were before she took her last breath. Was she smiling at hearing the voice of her mommy as she told her daddy how happy she was that she can feel her daughter move inside her? Was she sound asleep, completely content with the world as I rubbed my belly? While I'll never know what she was doing or thinking during those final moments, I can at least say with certainty that Alyssa felt the unconditional love of her mother and for that I hope that she passed away happy.
As I replay her final movements in my mind I can't help but wonder if she knew she wasn't going to make it, I'd like to think that she did know and that she wanted to make her prescence known by moving inside me, her way of saying goodbye if you will.
Had I known that it was the last time I'd feel her move I would of talked to her till she took her last breath. I would of told her how happy she made me, to thank her for showing me what unconditional love truly is. I'd let her know that she would never be forgotten, that I will carry her memory with me for all the days of my life. I hope that she knew no pain, that somehow someway I comforted her during her final hour.
While I was not able to say the things I wanted to say to Alyssa before she died, I am glad I was able to do so after her birth. It was a special moment, it was just the three of us, Marlon, Alyssa, and myself. If no one new any better they would think that it was just a family having some quiet time with their newborn. Little did they know that this time was our final time with our child. That we were holding and talking to Alyssa for the very last time. Any minute from now, we would have to give her back to the nurses and be taken away from us forever.
Those final moments are extremely special for me. It was the only alone time Marlon and I got to spend with her. We had so many visitors when she was born, and I'm so grateful for the people who came to visit us that day. She touched the hearts of so many and I am so glad I got to share them with our nearest and dearest. But that final day is the day I will truly hold special. The only time we got to spend as a family. I'll never forget the look on Marlon's face as he stared down at his daughter with the look of pride. I'll never forget the way he held her and kissed her soft, smooth forehead for the last time.
Just like the Visa commercial:
Hospital Bill: 50K (thank God for insurance)
Funeral Arrangement: $500
Thank you Cards: $30
Those last moments, last touches, last words with Alyssa: Priceless
I'll end it here with a reading that I came across (I changed the name to Alyssa), it brings me peace everytime I read it:
"Born to Fly - An Infant's Journey to God"
A miracle has happened.
A life has begun.
"Are you there, God?"
"Yes, I am here, Alyssa," the Lord whispered
"Where am I?"
"You are in the womb of your mother," God smiled.
"Oh, What is that sound?" Alyssa asked.
"It is the voice of your mother, Alyssa. She is singing to you."
"It's beautiful."
"Yes. She loves you very much," God said.
"I feel warmth on my back," Alyssa whispered.
"Yes, she is rubbing her stomach, caressing you the best she can right now. She is speaking to me, Alyssa. She is asking me to care for you."
"I will kick her back, so she knows I love her, too," Alyssa said excitedly.
God smiled...
"Now what is she saying, God?"
"Your mother is laughing, Alyssa."
"She is happy, isn't she God?"
"Yes, Alyssa. She is happy."
"I hear a different sound, what is that?"
"It is the voice of your dad, Alyssa."
"He sounds strong," Alyssa said.
"Yes," answered God.
"Does he love me, too?"
"More than his own life," God whispered.
"When do I get to see him, God?"
"Not for a while, my child."
"I'm not feeling so well, God."
"I know my child, but soon you will fly."
"I will fly?"
"Yes," God smiled.
"Will my mother fly with me?"
"Someday," God said.
"I think I'm ready," Alyssa whispered.
"I know, my child."
"Is it time to fly now, God?"
"Yes," God said gently, and wiped his eyes.
"When will I see you, God?"
"Very soon, my child."
"Is that my mother and dad?"
"Yes, Alyssa," God said and pulled the child onto his lap.
"Why are they crying?"
"They cry for you, my child," God answered as He wrapped His arms around the girl.
"Why do they cry for me?" Alyssa asked.
"Because they want to hold you in their arms, Alyssa."
"But instead, You hold me in Your arms, huh, God?"
"Yes, child," God said.
"Why does that make them sad, God? I like it in Your arms!"
"They love you very much, Alyssa. It can make a mommy's and daddy's heart sad when they don't get to hold their children - I know how it feels to watch my child die."
"Have I died, God?"
"Just on earth, Alyssa."
"I don't feel dead, I feel very much alive! Watch how fast I can run!" Alyssa crawled down from God's lap.
"Yes, Alyssa, you are fast," God clapped.
"Now watch me fly!" Alyssa said as she soared high.
"You are amazing!" God laughed.
Alyssa settled back in the safety of God's arms and said,"When will my parents fly, God?"
"Someday, my child."
"Will we fly together?"
"Yes, Alyssa, my mark is on their foreheads."
"Good," Alyssa said. "Will you tell them I am safe and happy?"
"I will comfort them, my child."
"Will they be happy again?"
"Yes, child. They will heal."
"And someday we will get to be with you, huh, God?"
"Yes, Alyssa. Someday," God promised.
"I love you, God." Alyssa said as she snuggled close to God.
"I love you too, child," God said as he put His hand on Alyssa's head.
"Take good care of my parents until they fly!" Alyssa said.
"I promise," God whispered.
I wonder what Alyssa's last thoughts were before she took her last breath. Was she smiling at hearing the voice of her mommy as she told her daddy how happy she was that she can feel her daughter move inside her? Was she sound asleep, completely content with the world as I rubbed my belly? While I'll never know what she was doing or thinking during those final moments, I can at least say with certainty that Alyssa felt the unconditional love of her mother and for that I hope that she passed away happy.
As I replay her final movements in my mind I can't help but wonder if she knew she wasn't going to make it, I'd like to think that she did know and that she wanted to make her prescence known by moving inside me, her way of saying goodbye if you will.
Had I known that it was the last time I'd feel her move I would of talked to her till she took her last breath. I would of told her how happy she made me, to thank her for showing me what unconditional love truly is. I'd let her know that she would never be forgotten, that I will carry her memory with me for all the days of my life. I hope that she knew no pain, that somehow someway I comforted her during her final hour.
While I was not able to say the things I wanted to say to Alyssa before she died, I am glad I was able to do so after her birth. It was a special moment, it was just the three of us, Marlon, Alyssa, and myself. If no one new any better they would think that it was just a family having some quiet time with their newborn. Little did they know that this time was our final time with our child. That we were holding and talking to Alyssa for the very last time. Any minute from now, we would have to give her back to the nurses and be taken away from us forever.
Those final moments are extremely special for me. It was the only alone time Marlon and I got to spend with her. We had so many visitors when she was born, and I'm so grateful for the people who came to visit us that day. She touched the hearts of so many and I am so glad I got to share them with our nearest and dearest. But that final day is the day I will truly hold special. The only time we got to spend as a family. I'll never forget the look on Marlon's face as he stared down at his daughter with the look of pride. I'll never forget the way he held her and kissed her soft, smooth forehead for the last time.
Just like the Visa commercial:
Hospital Bill: 50K (thank God for insurance)
Funeral Arrangement: $500
Thank you Cards: $30
Those last moments, last touches, last words with Alyssa: Priceless
I'll end it here with a reading that I came across (I changed the name to Alyssa), it brings me peace everytime I read it:
"Born to Fly - An Infant's Journey to God"
A miracle has happened.
A life has begun.
"Are you there, God?"
"Yes, I am here, Alyssa," the Lord whispered
"Where am I?"
"You are in the womb of your mother," God smiled.
"Oh, What is that sound?" Alyssa asked.
"It is the voice of your mother, Alyssa. She is singing to you."
"It's beautiful."
"Yes. She loves you very much," God said.
"I feel warmth on my back," Alyssa whispered.
"Yes, she is rubbing her stomach, caressing you the best she can right now. She is speaking to me, Alyssa. She is asking me to care for you."
"I will kick her back, so she knows I love her, too," Alyssa said excitedly.
God smiled...
"Now what is she saying, God?"
"Your mother is laughing, Alyssa."
"She is happy, isn't she God?"
"Yes, Alyssa. She is happy."
"I hear a different sound, what is that?"
"It is the voice of your dad, Alyssa."
"He sounds strong," Alyssa said.
"Yes," answered God.
"Does he love me, too?"
"More than his own life," God whispered.
"When do I get to see him, God?"
"Not for a while, my child."
"I'm not feeling so well, God."
"I know my child, but soon you will fly."
"I will fly?"
"Yes," God smiled.
"Will my mother fly with me?"
"Someday," God said.
"I think I'm ready," Alyssa whispered.
"I know, my child."
"Is it time to fly now, God?"
"Yes," God said gently, and wiped his eyes.
"When will I see you, God?"
"Very soon, my child."
"Is that my mother and dad?"
"Yes, Alyssa," God said and pulled the child onto his lap.
"Why are they crying?"
"They cry for you, my child," God answered as He wrapped His arms around the girl.
"Why do they cry for me?" Alyssa asked.
"Because they want to hold you in their arms, Alyssa."
"But instead, You hold me in Your arms, huh, God?"
"Yes, child," God said.
"Why does that make them sad, God? I like it in Your arms!"
"They love you very much, Alyssa. It can make a mommy's and daddy's heart sad when they don't get to hold their children - I know how it feels to watch my child die."
"Have I died, God?"
"Just on earth, Alyssa."
"I don't feel dead, I feel very much alive! Watch how fast I can run!" Alyssa crawled down from God's lap.
"Yes, Alyssa, you are fast," God clapped.
"Now watch me fly!" Alyssa said as she soared high.
"You are amazing!" God laughed.
Alyssa settled back in the safety of God's arms and said,"When will my parents fly, God?"
"Someday, my child."
"Will we fly together?"
"Yes, Alyssa, my mark is on their foreheads."
"Good," Alyssa said. "Will you tell them I am safe and happy?"
"I will comfort them, my child."
"Will they be happy again?"
"Yes, child. They will heal."
"And someday we will get to be with you, huh, God?"
"Yes, Alyssa. Someday," God promised.
"I love you, God." Alyssa said as she snuggled close to God.
"I love you too, child," God said as he put His hand on Alyssa's head.
"Take good care of my parents until they fly!" Alyssa said.
"I promise," God whispered.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Roots Before Branches
I normally don't post twice in a day but I really felt the need to share this song with you all.
Please don't judge but I first found this song while watching Glee...It resonates so well with me because after losing Alyssa I really had to find myself again, and I still continue to learn something about myself.
Losing Alyssa validated a lot of things.
She validated how much I wanted to be a mother.
She validated how a good mother I would of been.
She validated just how strong my marriage is with Marlon.
Most importantly she validated that I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I could be.
Unfortunately I had to learn these things after Alyssa died, believe me I will be the first to say that I am definately counting my blessings.
Here are the lyrics and video to the original song. Enjoy!
Please don't judge but I first found this song while watching Glee...It resonates so well with me because after losing Alyssa I really had to find myself again, and I still continue to learn something about myself.
Losing Alyssa validated a lot of things.
She validated how much I wanted to be a mother.
She validated how a good mother I would of been.
She validated just how strong my marriage is with Marlon.
Most importantly she validated that I am a much stronger person then I ever thought I could be.
Unfortunately I had to learn these things after Alyssa died, believe me I will be the first to say that I am definately counting my blessings.
Here are the lyrics and video to the original song. Enjoy!
Roots Before Branches
- Room For Two
So many things
To do and say
But I can't seem
To find my way
But I wanna know how
I know
I'm meant
For something else
But first
I gotta find myself
But I don't know how
Oh, why do
I reach for the stars
When I don't have wings
To carry me that far?
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
Sometimes
I don't wanna feel
And forget the pain
Is real
Put my head
In the clouds
Oh, start to run
And then I fall
Seein'
I can't get it all
Without my feet
On the ground
There's always a seed
Before there's a rose
The more that it rains
The more I will grow
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
Whatever comes
I know how to take it
Learn to be strong
I won't have to fake it
Oh, you're understandin'
Oh, but when you come
And do it best
There ain't nothin'
To stoppin' east to west
But I'll still
Be standing
I'll be standing
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To do and say
But I can't seem
To find my way
But I wanna know how
I know
I'm meant
For something else
But first
I gotta find myself
But I don't know how
Oh, why do
I reach for the stars
When I don't have wings
To carry me that far?
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
Sometimes
I don't wanna feel
And forget the pain
Is real
Put my head
In the clouds
Oh, start to run
And then I fall
Seein'
I can't get it all
Without my feet
On the ground
There's always a seed
Before there's a rose
The more that it rains
The more I will grow
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
Whatever comes
I know how to take it
Learn to be strong
I won't have to fake it
Oh, you're understandin'
Oh, but when you come
And do it best
There ain't nothin'
To stoppin' east to west
But I'll still
Be standing
I'll be standing
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
I gotta have
Roots before branches
Silver Lining
It's been 3 and a half months...three and a half months not knowing why Alyssa died. Of course I did what any normal person would do, I came to my own conclusions as to why she was gone. Marlon and I assumed that Alyssa sat on her umbilical cord which caused a lack of oxygen and blood supply. I was ok with the outcome, I accepted it, as cruel as life was to give my daughter that outcome I can accept that these things do happen.
Earlier this week I received the call I've been waiting over 3 months to get. A call from my doctor on Alyssa's autposy results, finally a definite answer as to why she isn't here. I honestly didn't know what to expect but a part of me was excited to finally hear from her and to give me the closure I needed.
What I ended up hearing was completely out of left field and has completley thrown me for a loop. Long story short my Dr. told me that she suspects that Alyssa somehow/someway had a stroke. There was nothing wrong with either her or myself but she had a stroke. My Dr. said and I quote "freak accident", she said that in all her years of medicine there was only one other person who had a similar case. Unfortunately these are just speculations and she was sorry to tell me that I will not have a definite answer.
This doesn't make any sense. Umbilical cord accidents I can see, as rare as something like that is to happen, it at least happens to more people then my case. I am so dumbfounded, my daughter could be here right now, she was perfectly healthy as was I. Nothing makes sense to me anymore and I am really angry at life right now. This is the time where I question why me?
The last couple days have been really hard. I received the physical autopsy reports yesterday and all I could do was read every single detail of my daughter. Every line it showed how normal everything was, how on point she was with her size and age. There was no sign that something was wrong and there shouldn't have been because nothing was wrong with her. She was perfect, I guess she was too perfect that she didn't belong here on earth.
Reading this piece of paper, listed things about my daughter that I didn't even know about. How she has a bluish mark on her back, probably her birthmark which is also similar to her daddy's. The size of her feet,etc... Instead of getting to know all these tiny details on my own I had to read it on a piece of paper. The worst part of all this in envisioning my baby on a cold table being cut open and examined; not as a person but as a case number.
The good thing that came out of this; the silver lining, is that what happend to Alyssa was so rare that my Dr. was confident enough to say that it will not happen again. That because I was normal that there is nothing that I should do the next time to prevent this from happening. The good thing also is that the next time I will be considered high risk and will be "watched like a hawk." It's comforting but also sad to know that it took Alyssa's life to get the attention I need from these doctors.
Glass half full is the mentality I am striving for. Out of all the outcomes out there this is the best possible outcome. That I can go into the next pregnancy without worrying that my next baby might have the same outcome as Alyssa. The silver lining out of something so dark and tragic.
I have to accept that not everyones life is full of joy. Unfortunately some people get the short end of the stick and I unfortunately am one of them. But I can either succomb to this or come out of the ashes stronger then ever before. I choose the latter.
Alyssa - I need some time to process this news but I think I can finally put some closure as to why you are gone. Even though these aren't concrete reasons, it doesn't change the fact that you aren't here with me. I have to close this part of my life and look forward towards the future.
I want you to know that you will never be forgotten...Till this day I think about you every minute of every day. You will always hold a special place in my heart. You are after all my first born child. I am looking forward to the future not to replace you but to grow this family that your daddy and I long for. I know that you are watching over us, and I can only hope that we are blessed with another child in the near future. Your siblings will grow up knowing that they have an older sister in heaven watching over them. I love you baby.
Earlier this week I received the call I've been waiting over 3 months to get. A call from my doctor on Alyssa's autposy results, finally a definite answer as to why she isn't here. I honestly didn't know what to expect but a part of me was excited to finally hear from her and to give me the closure I needed.
What I ended up hearing was completely out of left field and has completley thrown me for a loop. Long story short my Dr. told me that she suspects that Alyssa somehow/someway had a stroke. There was nothing wrong with either her or myself but she had a stroke. My Dr. said and I quote "freak accident", she said that in all her years of medicine there was only one other person who had a similar case. Unfortunately these are just speculations and she was sorry to tell me that I will not have a definite answer.
This doesn't make any sense. Umbilical cord accidents I can see, as rare as something like that is to happen, it at least happens to more people then my case. I am so dumbfounded, my daughter could be here right now, she was perfectly healthy as was I. Nothing makes sense to me anymore and I am really angry at life right now. This is the time where I question why me?
The last couple days have been really hard. I received the physical autopsy reports yesterday and all I could do was read every single detail of my daughter. Every line it showed how normal everything was, how on point she was with her size and age. There was no sign that something was wrong and there shouldn't have been because nothing was wrong with her. She was perfect, I guess she was too perfect that she didn't belong here on earth.
Reading this piece of paper, listed things about my daughter that I didn't even know about. How she has a bluish mark on her back, probably her birthmark which is also similar to her daddy's. The size of her feet,etc... Instead of getting to know all these tiny details on my own I had to read it on a piece of paper. The worst part of all this in envisioning my baby on a cold table being cut open and examined; not as a person but as a case number.
The good thing that came out of this; the silver lining, is that what happend to Alyssa was so rare that my Dr. was confident enough to say that it will not happen again. That because I was normal that there is nothing that I should do the next time to prevent this from happening. The good thing also is that the next time I will be considered high risk and will be "watched like a hawk." It's comforting but also sad to know that it took Alyssa's life to get the attention I need from these doctors.
Glass half full is the mentality I am striving for. Out of all the outcomes out there this is the best possible outcome. That I can go into the next pregnancy without worrying that my next baby might have the same outcome as Alyssa. The silver lining out of something so dark and tragic.
I have to accept that not everyones life is full of joy. Unfortunately some people get the short end of the stick and I unfortunately am one of them. But I can either succomb to this or come out of the ashes stronger then ever before. I choose the latter.
Alyssa - I need some time to process this news but I think I can finally put some closure as to why you are gone. Even though these aren't concrete reasons, it doesn't change the fact that you aren't here with me. I have to close this part of my life and look forward towards the future.
I want you to know that you will never be forgotten...Till this day I think about you every minute of every day. You will always hold a special place in my heart. You are after all my first born child. I am looking forward to the future not to replace you but to grow this family that your daddy and I long for. I know that you are watching over us, and I can only hope that we are blessed with another child in the near future. Your siblings will grow up knowing that they have an older sister in heaven watching over them. I love you baby.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
New Set of Vocabulary
Rainbows, Angels, Peace, Hugs, and Stillborn these are common enough words for everyone to know and understand its meaning, but for the past 3 months I've used these words more in my life then I ever have before. More importantly these words hold more meaning to me as I fight to live another day without my child.
Rainbows - To a normal person this is something you see after a storm. For someone like me they are a child born after the loss of a previous child. Something beautiful that comes out of something so horrible. I haven't seen this rainbow yet but I dream of it often. I wonder when and if that time will come, whether I'll actually get to see it, hold it, carry it, grow old with it. My future rainbow is what keeps me hopeful and gets me through the days.
Angels - I don't think I've ever used the word angel in a sentence more then 5 times in one year. Yet, after Alyssa I can't even count how many times I've used this word. This is who Alyssa is now, she's an angel who was born with wings...She is up in heaven playing with other angel babies. Her beautiful soul left her earthly body. People say that we are all here to learn our life lessons, and when we're done learning we leave this earth and return to heaven. Alyssa barely made it to 8 months inside my womb, I guess her life lesson was to know what true love felt like because that was the only thing she ever knew and felt.
Peace - Peace is the one feeling I yearn for...My mind is filled with so many emotions and at times they come at me all at once. At times I do feel that sense of peace but it doesn't last long as one of my many emotions comes rushing back. I wanna be at peace with what happend. I don't want to feel anger, I don't want to feel sorrow. These feelings are very heavy and weigh down on my heart. It gets very tiring after a while. They say time heals all things, so I'm hoping and waiting for that time to come where I can think of Alyssa and smile instead of cry.
Hugs - is a term that I've been saying a lot, especially when I write to other angel mommies. We are a part of a very ugly, cruel club which we never opted to join but we're in it none the less. These women are the strongest of women as they too continue to live out their days without the child they love. I wouldn't know where I'd be without these women. While I havne't met any one of them, we share a common bond and know exactly what the other is going through. I write Hugs to these ladies to let them know that I'm there for them as they have been there for me.
Stillborn - A term that I've heard of, and knew people who've experienced it, but never in a million years did I think I'd put myself and stillborn in the same sentence. I always wondered who came up with that word "stillborn", was it because they didn't move when they were born? While this may be true, I personally would like to think of Alyssa not so much as stillborn, but the fact that she was born still.
Rainbows - To a normal person this is something you see after a storm. For someone like me they are a child born after the loss of a previous child. Something beautiful that comes out of something so horrible. I haven't seen this rainbow yet but I dream of it often. I wonder when and if that time will come, whether I'll actually get to see it, hold it, carry it, grow old with it. My future rainbow is what keeps me hopeful and gets me through the days.
Angels - I don't think I've ever used the word angel in a sentence more then 5 times in one year. Yet, after Alyssa I can't even count how many times I've used this word. This is who Alyssa is now, she's an angel who was born with wings...She is up in heaven playing with other angel babies. Her beautiful soul left her earthly body. People say that we are all here to learn our life lessons, and when we're done learning we leave this earth and return to heaven. Alyssa barely made it to 8 months inside my womb, I guess her life lesson was to know what true love felt like because that was the only thing she ever knew and felt.
Peace - Peace is the one feeling I yearn for...My mind is filled with so many emotions and at times they come at me all at once. At times I do feel that sense of peace but it doesn't last long as one of my many emotions comes rushing back. I wanna be at peace with what happend. I don't want to feel anger, I don't want to feel sorrow. These feelings are very heavy and weigh down on my heart. It gets very tiring after a while. They say time heals all things, so I'm hoping and waiting for that time to come where I can think of Alyssa and smile instead of cry.
Hugs - is a term that I've been saying a lot, especially when I write to other angel mommies. We are a part of a very ugly, cruel club which we never opted to join but we're in it none the less. These women are the strongest of women as they too continue to live out their days without the child they love. I wouldn't know where I'd be without these women. While I havne't met any one of them, we share a common bond and know exactly what the other is going through. I write Hugs to these ladies to let them know that I'm there for them as they have been there for me.
Stillborn - A term that I've heard of, and knew people who've experienced it, but never in a million years did I think I'd put myself and stillborn in the same sentence. I always wondered who came up with that word "stillborn", was it because they didn't move when they were born? While this may be true, I personally would like to think of Alyssa not so much as stillborn, but the fact that she was born still.
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