In My Dreams

In my dreams...

She is here by my side.  I can feel her warmth, smell her scent and hear her cries.

She's growing faster then I can even imagine.  She is starting to look like her mommy and act more like her Daddy.

She looks at me with those big brown eyes and smiles those heartwarming smiles.

She's running towards me as I pick her up and swing her around with glee.

I tuck her in bed and read her a bed time story.  I whisper to her how much I love her, she looks at me, reaches over and puts her hand on my cheek and tells me she loves me too.

In my dreams...

Sad

I usually get inspired to write through songs, quotes, poems.  This post is inspired by a song that I've been listening to lately from Maroon 5 called "sad". 

This song envokes a sense of sadness in me...He talks about what could of been.  How he is scared to know that there may not be another love like he just had.  That he is holding on by thin thread. 

This is exactly how I've been feeling lately.  I'm scared to death that my one chance to have a child is gone and I will never get that chance again.  That these past four months I've been holding on by a glimmer of hope.  To fill these empty arms that have been aching since Alyssa left.

I'll let you hear the song for yourself...Enjoy! 

Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad

Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad

Waking Up to Another Day

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write...I promise that I will update you all soon on what's been going on with me.  Today I just wanted to write about how I'm doing and as usual how much I'm missing Alyssa.

It's July 1st...Another month has come and gone.  I sometimes think what my life would be like if Alyssa was here.  What I'd be doing and what stage in her life she'd be.  Had she been born on her actual due date then I should still be on maternity leave.  I should be enjoying the first few months of motherhood, and complaining how tired I am.  I should be bonding with my child.  Instead, I'm at home sitting in front of a computer writing about how much I miss my daughter instead of actually being with her.

I'm ok though...really I am!  4 months has really helped me accept what's happend and I'm at peace with it all.  I don't think I'm 100% there but I'm getting there...I can feel it.  In the early months I used to wake up because I had to wake up.  I was in survival mode and only did things because my body told me to.  I was in a daze, a zombie if you will.  Did I really want to wake up and face another day? No not really.  How can someone wake up and go on knowing that their whole life was just ripped away. 

Now, I can honestly say that I wake up in the morning because I want to.  I wake up each day to let the world know that I've overcome something so tragic and I can live to tell about it. 

I wake up each day because I promised Alyssa I would.  I told her that I'd make her proud of me that I would live each day like it was my last.  That I would know no fear and love like I've never loved before. 

I wake up each day hopeful that Marlon and I can be blessed with another child and will actually get to take that child home and raise them like we've always dreamed of. 

I wake up each day remembering who I was, what I've gone through and hopeful of where I'm going.

Alyssa - my love, I miss you.  I wish I can tell you this in person and I can't wait for the day that we are reunited.  I often wonder what that first meeting will be like?  Will I know it's you?  What will you look like?  Will you be the baby that I remember?  Or the lovely women you were suppose to grow up to be.  Either way, I can't wait for the day when I can look into your eyes, pull you into my arms and tell you how much I love and miss you.  Till then I'm living my life just like I promised you I would.  Thanks for continuing to look after your daddy and I...We both miss you dearly.  Love, Mom