A Father's Goodbye

I have so many things going through my head right now .  I'm having one of those days where I miss Alyssa so much that I break down crying at the most random moments.  I'm sure it's because Marlon is now back at work and I'm at home by myself and my mind is getting the best of me. 

The one thing that's been on my mind lately that I've been meaning to write about was something that happend while I was in Italy.  Now before I go any further I want to briefly describe my husband. Marlon is a man's man, he's the type of person who doesn't like to show affection especially if it's in public, and he doesn't really express his feelings. After 10 years together I've come to accept this about him. 

I was always amazed that Marlon can go about his life like nothing happend.  Don't get me wrong I know that this tragedy hit him hard but I always wondered how he can be totally ok while I'm an absolute mess.  Then I realized that he does grieve but he does so in his own way and he just doesn't show it.  Anyways, back to my story... 

Marlon and I were eating at a restaurant in Venice and we were enjoying the delicious food and wine (2 bottles of it actually, so you know it's good!)  I don't know how the subject came up but we started talking about Alyssa and the moments right after she was born. 

If you read my earlier post you remember that I opted for a C-Section and that they decided to put me under.  Well Marlon told me that after Alyssa was born he was able to have a good 45 minutes alone with her while I was still sedated (since they still needed to sew me up).  That shocked me since I had no clue that he had that much time alone with her.  Suddenly I needed to hear every little thing that happend while I was out.  It was time with my daugther that I didn't know about and I NEEDED to hear everything about her.

I started crying (probably due to the 4th glass of wine I had) when he told me that the minute the doctors gave Alyssa to him he looked at the doctor with tears in his eyes and said "she almost made it." He then said that he made every person in the O.R. cry as he held her and rocked her.  This broke my heart as I played this out in my head.   Marlon who hates showing his vulerability to strangers breaks down and cries as he held his daugther who was born in heaven and passed much too soon.

Marlon didn't go into detail about what he told Alyssa during the 45 minutes he was alone with her and I'm not going to pry.  That time was his time with our daughter and what he said to her will be between them two and I'm ok with that.  However if I know Marlon like I think I do I think he told her that this isn't goodbye and he'll see her again someday.

I know that I haven't talked about my trip much but you have no idea how good this trip was for us.  Not only were we able to get away for several days but I also felt healed when I came back.  One reason why I felt healed was Marlon telling me about his alone time with Alyssa.  For the longest time I always wondered why he didn't really say goodbye to her when we were leaving the hospital.  He said that he already said his goodbyes and I thought that this was his excuse to not get emotional in front of me.   I had no idea that he already said his goodbyes right after she was born.  It all makes sense to me now and I feel like Alyssa's story is finally complete. 

I Will Remember You

"...I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much to deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories.."

The first few weeks since Alyssa's passing there was a constant stream of visitors, callers, cards, and company...I loved the company because it gave me a chance to talk about Alyssa.  Just like any mother, I loved to talk about my daughter any chance I got.  As months passed the visitors, callers, and company eventually died down, so my chance of talking about Alyssa died down as well.  Unless someone asks, I usually don't bring her up, and it kills me that I can't do so free willingly without wondering if I'm making people feel weird.  So I suffer in silence thinking about my baby every minute of every day.  I wonder what she's doing, who she looks like, what color her eyes are...I sometimes talk to her in my mind, hoping and praying that she can hear me. 

I thought that this is how my life was going to be like, that I would have to remember my child in silence but that's not the case.  Again, life surprises me in the most unexpected ways.  A few weeks ago a very dear friend of mine randomly sent me a picture of a flower she found while hiking, and she thought that I might like it.  After looking at the flower closely I noticed it was an Iris.  This shocked me to my core as the Iris was Alyssa's birth flower.  Suddenly it hit me...they remember! 

This small tiny gesture brought sweet tears to my eyes.  For the longest time I thought people had forgotten about her, that she was now an after thought in peoples minds.  This proves to me that people do remember my daughter, that she did exist, and she is loved. 

I want people to know that it doesn't make me sad when I talk about my daughter, in fact it's something I'm constantly trying to find a way to do.  When you love someone so much wouldn't you want to talk about them any chance you got? 

Thank you my dear friend Saovanh for remembering Alyssa, this small tiny gesture means so much to me and has made me feel happy again during this very dark time in my life.  Thank you to all who remember Alyssa and continue to remember her.  She has touched my life in such a short time and in such a huge way and I hope she has touched yours as well.

Tears In Heaven

Dear Alyssa,

I woke up today knowing that today was your due date.  I'm not sure how I'm feeling.  A part of me is still sad because of the fact that you are not here with me, but another part of me is at peace knowing that you are in a better place. 

Your daddy and I went to St. Peter and Paul and we lit a candle in honor of you.  I hope you were able to see it.  It's been almost two months since you were born in heaven and not a day goes by that I don't think of you.  I can say that the pain has lessened but it is still there, and I don't think it will ever go away.  I still can't believe that we met with a goodbye kiss.  God, I miss you.

I hope you know just how much I love you...I'm sorry that  I couldn't meet you in this world and that I wasn't able to raise you like I had hoped.  I had such big plans for you, and I often dreamed about our future together.  It saddens me that my hopes and dreams left when you left me.  Now I'm learning to accept this new life of mine without you in it.  Luckily, your dad has been an amazing support system and we are both looking forward to growing our family.  Hopefully one day we will be blessed to bring a baby boy/girl into this world.  You will always be our first born, and I will make sure that your little siblings will grow up knowing that they have an older sister up in heaven, and that you are watching over them.   

Your dad and I just came back yesterday from Italy.  We had a great time despite everything that's happend.  I remember sitting outside of the restaurant on day 2 of our trip listening to the guitarist serenading the crowd.  I started to feel sad, I was sad because this was not how my life was suppose to be.  I started getting teary eyed as I was eating my food, and out of no where the next song the guitarist sang brought me to tears.  He sang "tears in heaven" and as soon as I heard that song, I turned to your daddy and we both knew that it was a sign from you.  You were telling me that you felt my sadness  and that you were there with me.  I know that deep down you were telling me not to be sad and that we will meet again one day.  Until then, I have to be strong and move on with my life.  I heard you loud and clear, I will move on with my life, but I want you to know that you will never be forgotten. 

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven
-Tears in Heaven, Eric Clapton

Bittersweet

I miss the years that were erased

I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face

I miss all the little things

I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah, I miss you and I wish you were here

So far away from where you are

These miles have torn us worlds apart

And, I miss you, yeah, I miss you

And I wish you were here
-From Where you Are, Lifehouse

I leave today, my husband and I are leaving to Italy for 7 days.  This trip was a last minute, spur of the moment, get the fuck outta here kinda trip.  You see, at this time I should be caring for Alyssa or at least waiting for her delivery.  The delivery of our first born.  This time of our lives should be exciting, we should be relishing the last few days of being "just the two of us."     

But, that's not what life decided to give me.  Instead, life decided to take me to a road less traveled.  I lost Alyssa 7 weeks ago today.  The excitement is no longer here, and it is still "just the two of us."  I've completely lost my innocence.  The thought that nothing bad would ever happen to me.  Bad things only happen to other people.  Life has humbled me and has brought me to my knees. 

I've slowly learned to pick up the pieces and continue on with my life.  A part of me however is no longer here.  A piece of my heart belongs to Alyssa and she took it with her when she left me for heaven.  I'm ok with that.  I would want nothing else but for her to have a piece of me just as a piece of her will always be with me.  So, I learn to move on.  We are leaving this place (at least for a week) to explore another part of the world and some say it's a whole different world. 

This is all bittersweet but I am fortunate despite it all to be given the chance to look at my life and see it as half full versus half empty.  Alyssa is giving me this strength.  I know she is up there in heaven asking, pleading, for her mommy and daddy to be happy and optimistic again.  Who am I to disappoint my baby. 

So, I will end it here and when I come back I will start looking towards the future and the wonderful possibilities life has in store for me and my husband.  I can't wait...

So Much to Say, so Little Time

"It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend..."

- For Good, Kristin Chenoweth

After having a C-Section with Alyssa I was given up to five days to stay at the hospital.  Since my mom wouldn't return from the Philippines until the fifth day, I decided to stay at the hospital for the full five days.  The reason for that was because I wanted my mom and brother to see her, and also give them the chance to say goodbye. 

Marlon and I had the option to see Alyssa however many times and however long we wanted.  We only chose to see her 3 times out of the five days we were there.  The first day was when she was born, the second was when Marlon's relatives visited, and the last day was when my mom finally arrived.  That last day was also the day we had to say goodbye.

It was a day I was dreading, the last day I'd get to see her pretty face.  After an hour of my mom and older brother being there, we asked if Marlon and I can be left alone to say our final goodbyes.  I knew I was going to be emotional during this time and I didn't want my family to see me that way. 

Once left alone I held Alyssa in my arms and I memorized every single feature of her face and her body.  Her eyes, that I never got to see and will never get to know if she had her daddy's eye color or mine.  Her mouth, and how it was identical to mine.  Her full set of hair which she had gotten from her daddy, and finally I remembered how it felt to hold her in my arms because I knew I would never get to hold her again after that day. 

I started talking to her about anything and everything...Suddenly, I couldn't stop talking.  I wanted to put an entire life's conversation into a mere 5 minutes.  I told her that I would always love her, that I'll never forget her.  I asked her to please watch over her daddy and I.  I asked her to bless us with another baby.  I asked her to please give me the strength to carry on without her.  I kissed her very cold forehead, gave her back to the nurse, and then, she was gone...

I knew that I was talking to a lifeless body, a shell that carried a very beautiful soul.  Yet, I knew that Alyssa heard every single word I said.  I knew that because I am here today stronger then I ever thought I could be.  It's because of her that I am here hopeful of tomorrow.  One would think that after what I went through I would look at the world with hate, but I don't.  I know that there is still beauty in my life.  Like they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  

Just today for example, Marlon and I were walking our dog Onassus and we took a route that I've never walked before.  Out of no where we came across a house decked out in Easter decorations and I couldn't believe how beautiful it looked.  It reminded me of Alyssa.  For some reason everything beautiful reminds me of her.  It made me wonder if this is what heaven was like.  I suddenly pictured Alyssa up there running around playing and laughing.  That thought brought a smile to my face and I knew that at least for today I'd be ok. 

   

Hello, My Name Is...

I'd first like to introduce myself.  My name is Sheryll Ing and I am married to the most amazing man alive Marlon, who've I've known for 9 years now and have been married to for almost 2 years.  We have a beautiful daughter Alyssa Elie Ing who is growing up in heaven.  She was born on 2.20.12 while I was 32 weeks pregnant.  We have yet to get concrete answers as to what happend, and I am still shocked that she is no longer here.  We love her dearly and it comforts me to know that love was the only thing she knew.  I cherish the moments she was inside me and I know one day I will see her again.  Until then I am doing the best I can to cope with her loss. 
This blog is my journey on dealing with her loss, and trying to once again find some sort of happiness.  My hope is to extend my family and to give Alyssa a baby brother/sister.  This would be my rainbow baby. 

Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

I am in a strange place in my life and it's a place that not many people have been in, and I hope to GOD that no one ever does.  In one aspect I want more then anything to greive for the loss of my child.  For me greiving is the only way I know to keep her memory alive and fresh in my mind.  Yet, there is another part of me who is fighting to be happy.  I want to look to the future and be hopeful for what lies ahead.  There has to be light at the end of this very dark and I'm sure very long tunnel.  I flip flop between the two and have yet to find a balance, if I ever will. 

I hope that this blog can help someone who is going through something similar, and to know that there is always a rainbow after a storm...You just have to want to search for it.