It's been 3 and a half months...three and a half months not knowing why Alyssa died. Of course I did what any normal person would do, I came to my own conclusions as to why she was gone. Marlon and I assumed that Alyssa sat on her umbilical cord which caused a lack of oxygen and blood supply. I was ok with the outcome, I accepted it, as cruel as life was to give my daughter that outcome I can accept that these things do happen.
Earlier this week I received the call I've been waiting over 3 months to get. A call from my doctor on Alyssa's autposy results, finally a definite answer as to why she isn't here. I honestly didn't know what to expect but a part of me was excited to finally hear from her and to give me the closure I needed.
What I ended up hearing was completely out of left field and has completley thrown me for a loop. Long story short my Dr. told me that she suspects that Alyssa somehow/someway had a stroke. There was nothing wrong with either her or myself but she had a stroke. My Dr. said and I quote "freak accident", she said that in all her years of medicine there was only one other person who had a similar case. Unfortunately these are just speculations and she was sorry to tell me that I will not have a definite answer.
This doesn't make any sense. Umbilical cord accidents I can see, as rare as something like that is to happen, it at least happens to more people then my case. I am so dumbfounded, my daughter could be here right now, she was perfectly healthy as was I. Nothing makes sense to me anymore and I am really angry at life right now. This is the time where I question why me?
The last couple days have been really hard. I received the physical autopsy reports yesterday and all I could do was read every single detail of my daughter. Every line it showed how normal everything was, how on point she was with her size and age. There was no sign that something was wrong and there shouldn't have been because nothing was wrong with her. She was perfect, I guess she was too perfect that she didn't belong here on earth.
Reading this piece of paper, listed things about my daughter that I didn't even know about. How she has a bluish mark on her back, probably her birthmark which is also similar to her daddy's. The size of her feet,etc... Instead of getting to know all these tiny details on my own I had to read it on a piece of paper. The worst part of all this in envisioning my baby on a cold table being cut open and examined; not as a person but as a case number.
The good thing that came out of this; the silver lining, is that what happend to Alyssa was so rare that my Dr. was confident enough to say that it will not happen again. That because I was normal that there is nothing that I should do the next time to prevent this from happening. The good thing also is that the next time I will be considered high risk and will be "watched like a hawk." It's comforting but also sad to know that it took Alyssa's life to get the attention I need from these doctors.
Glass half full is the mentality I am striving for. Out of all the outcomes out there this is the best possible outcome. That I can go into the next pregnancy without worrying that my next baby might have the same outcome as Alyssa. The silver lining out of something so dark and tragic.
I have to accept that not everyones life is full of joy. Unfortunately some people get the short end of the stick and I unfortunately am one of them. But I can either succomb to this or come out of the ashes stronger then ever before. I choose the latter.
Alyssa - I need some time to process this news but I think I can finally put some closure as to why you are gone. Even though these aren't concrete reasons, it doesn't change the fact that you aren't here with me. I have to close this part of my life and look forward towards the future.
I want you to know that you will never be forgotten...Till this day I think about you every minute of every day. You will always hold a special place in my heart. You are after all my first born child. I am looking forward to the future not to replace you but to grow this family that your daddy and I long for. I know that you are watching over us, and I can only hope that we are blessed with another child in the near future. Your siblings will grow up knowing that they have an older sister in heaven watching over them. I love you baby.
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