Rainbows, Angels, Peace, Hugs, and Stillborn these are common enough words for everyone to know and understand its meaning, but for the past 3 months I've used these words more in my life then I ever have before. More importantly these words hold more meaning to me as I fight to live another day without my child.
Rainbows - To a normal person this is something you see after a storm. For someone like me they are a child born after the loss of a previous child. Something beautiful that comes out of something so horrible. I haven't seen this rainbow yet but I dream of it often. I wonder when and if that time will come, whether I'll actually get to see it, hold it, carry it, grow old with it. My future rainbow is what keeps me hopeful and gets me through the days.
Angels - I don't think I've ever used the word angel in a sentence more then 5 times in one year. Yet, after Alyssa I can't even count how many times I've used this word. This is who Alyssa is now, she's an angel who was born with wings...She is up in heaven playing with other angel babies. Her beautiful soul left her earthly body. People say that we are all here to learn our life lessons, and when we're done learning we leave this earth and return to heaven. Alyssa barely made it to 8 months inside my womb, I guess her life lesson was to know what true love felt like because that was the only thing she ever knew and felt.
Peace - Peace is the one feeling I yearn for...My mind is filled with so many emotions and at times they come at me all at once. At times I do feel that sense of peace but it doesn't last long as one of my many emotions comes rushing back. I wanna be at peace with what happend. I don't want to feel anger, I don't want to feel sorrow. These feelings are very heavy and weigh down on my heart. It gets very tiring after a while. They say time heals all things, so I'm hoping and waiting for that time to come where I can think of Alyssa and smile instead of cry.
Hugs - is a term that I've been saying a lot, especially when I write to other angel mommies. We are a part of a very ugly, cruel club which we never opted to join but we're in it none the less. These women are the strongest of women as they too continue to live out their days without the child they love. I wouldn't know where I'd be without these women. While I havne't met any one of them, we share a common bond and know exactly what the other is going through. I write Hugs to these ladies to let them know that I'm there for them as they have been there for me.
Stillborn - A term that I've heard of, and knew people who've experienced it, but never in a million years did I think I'd put myself and stillborn in the same sentence. I always wondered who came up with that word "stillborn", was it because they didn't move when they were born? While this may be true, I personally would like to think of Alyssa not so much as stillborn, but the fact that she was born still.
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