Happy 6 month birthday Alyssa!
I am no different than any mother who acknowledges their child's montly birthday. The only difference is that I'm giving you this greeting here on earth while you are growing up in heaven.
I can't believe it's already been 6 months since you were born...6 months really isn't that long ago and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. It's crazy to think what I was doing just 6 months and 2 days ago...I was still that innocent young first time mother who was enjoying every single day being pregnant. What I would give to get that innocence back. I feel like I've aged so much since you've left. Gone now is the innocence and is now replaced with reservation.
I've accepted your fate as well as mine. I know that I will always be jaded and I will always greive for you, but there is also a new found wisdom about me that I could of only learned from you.
You've taught me so much in such a short amount of time and they are lessons that I'll carry with me till my dying day. You've made me cherish every day that I wake up in the morning as I now know that life can pass us by with a blink of an eye and with no reason or cause.
I never would of thought that I'd be here today so hopeful of tomorrow as I carry this new life inside of me...your little baby brother or sister. I don't know what life has in store for me in the next 6 months but I do hope that it has something to do with hearing the sweet sound of a baby crying.
I love you so much! Thank you for continuing to guide me through this crazy thing called life. I can't wait till we meet again.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
July 23: Fortunes and a Heartbeat
written 7/23/12 (8 weeks 4 days)
We have a heartbeat!!
Okay I just had to get that off my chest.
This past week and a half has been nerve wrecking. As much as I tried to not think about the worst I just couldn't help but go there, especially when the Dr. tells you there is a "50/50 chance" of having this baby be viable.
So I woke up this morning earlier then normal since I couldn't really sleep. Marlon and I got to the lab right on time and it wasn't long after that we were called. The tech looked at our history before she called us so she knew that we were there just a week and a half ago and we didn't see a baby.
She pretty much told me that there was no need to do the external ultrasound since it's still very early and that we would go straight to the transvaginal ultrasound. The minute the wand was inside we were able to see the sac almost instantly. The tech turned on the speaker and we immediately heard our babies heartbeat. For a minute I thought I was listening to my own and even had to ask her and she said "that's your baby." Ahhh! That was music to my ears!!
Our baby's heartbeat was 172bpm (beats per minute) and according to the tech this was normal. She also said that everything else about the baby was perfect...There is nothing else I'd expect to hear.
It's amazing how one week can make such a difference. In my heart of hearts I knew that there was a little peanut in there and my body was physically telling me that there was too! I am so glad that we were given the good news that we wanted to hear. I couldn't of asked for a more perfect day (other then Alyssa being here with me of course.)
A few weeks ago I mentioned that we all went out to dinner for Marlon's birthday. We ate at this delicious chinese/korean restaurant. At the end of the dinner they gave out fortune cookies. Marlon and I each got a fortune that I swear was totally meant for us...
Marlon's Fortune:
My fortune:
One of our other family members got this fortune, I think it was Mar's dad:
So without further adieu I would like to introduce you all to Baby Ing:
We have a heartbeat!!
Okay I just had to get that off my chest.
This past week and a half has been nerve wrecking. As much as I tried to not think about the worst I just couldn't help but go there, especially when the Dr. tells you there is a "50/50 chance" of having this baby be viable.
So I woke up this morning earlier then normal since I couldn't really sleep. Marlon and I got to the lab right on time and it wasn't long after that we were called. The tech looked at our history before she called us so she knew that we were there just a week and a half ago and we didn't see a baby.
She pretty much told me that there was no need to do the external ultrasound since it's still very early and that we would go straight to the transvaginal ultrasound. The minute the wand was inside we were able to see the sac almost instantly. The tech turned on the speaker and we immediately heard our babies heartbeat. For a minute I thought I was listening to my own and even had to ask her and she said "that's your baby." Ahhh! That was music to my ears!!
Our baby's heartbeat was 172bpm (beats per minute) and according to the tech this was normal. She also said that everything else about the baby was perfect...There is nothing else I'd expect to hear.
It's amazing how one week can make such a difference. In my heart of hearts I knew that there was a little peanut in there and my body was physically telling me that there was too! I am so glad that we were given the good news that we wanted to hear. I couldn't of asked for a more perfect day (other then Alyssa being here with me of course.)
A few weeks ago I mentioned that we all went out to dinner for Marlon's birthday. We ate at this delicious chinese/korean restaurant. At the end of the dinner they gave out fortune cookies. Marlon and I each got a fortune that I swear was totally meant for us...
Marlon's Fortune:
My fortune:
One of our other family members got this fortune, I think it was Mar's dad:
So without further adieu I would like to introduce you all to Baby Ing:
July 15: Letting Nature Take It's Course
written 7/15/12 (7 weeks 3 days)
Last week was an exciting and scary week. We started out by seeing my O.B. last Tuesday, this was the first time we've seen her since Alyssa's passing and I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. To my surprise her reaction was actually very warm. She congratulated us on getting pregnant and is really hoping for the best.
We basically did a lot of talking, she was trying her best to calm my fears but at the same time there really isn't much she can do at this point since I am still very on. Never the less she said that she would write a referral for me to get an ultrasound so that I can ease my fears and see my baby early.
I went ahead and called for an appointment to get an ultrasound and ideally I wanted it to be for next week however because they were booked I had to take an earlier appointment which was last Friday. This ultrasound would barely make me 7 weeks and in my heart I knew that it was early but I've also heard of ladies who have gone in earlier and was able to detect a heart beat.
Friday rolls around and I'm trying to stay as cool as can be. We get to the ultrasound and to make a long story short the tech was only able to detect the gestational sac and yolk sac, but no fetal pole and no heartbeat. A Doctor ended up coming in and basically told me that by looking at the sac I am measuring about 6 and a 1/2 weeks and that in itself is too early too detect anything. He suggested that I come back in a week to check for viability. The Doctor said that at this point we basically have a 50/50 chance.
I left the appointment feeling confused at what to think and how to feel. I've heard about women not being able to see anything in the ultrasound because they came in too early but at the same time I've also known women to come in at 6 weeks and see their little peanut.
My saving grace out of all this is that I have no bleeding or cramping. I am hoping that my dates are off and I am earlier then I thought I was. I am hoping that my rainbow is really in there and she/he is growing and thriving. I go back on the 23rd to check on the growth and check for viability.
At this point there really is nothing I can do. As much as I want to take control of the situation, I can't, and I learned this the hard way when Alyssa died. I know deep down that there is a baby inside me but only time can tell. I just have to let nature take its course. Till then I'm just trying to keep busy and not think about it so much. I have to admit that the first 2 days after the appointment I spent hours online trying to get as much information as possible but what I read on the internet started to scare me even more so I quit cold turkey.
As for how I'm feeling , I still feel the same as I did last week. Severly tired, constantly hungry, I'm getting the icky feeling more than before but not to the point of vomitting (though I did do it once but that was because of the food I ate.) This whole time I've been pregnant I haven't gained one pound yet this past week I ended up gaining a pound and a half!! I must of been really bad this week ;)
On another side note it was Marlon's birthday this past week on the 10th and we had a nice quiet dinner with his family. He also was able to take two weeks off which is RARE and I'm trying to savor this time with him because I know for a fact that the next time he'll be off again for more then 3 days is when this baby is born (hoping that this baby is born.)
Last week was an exciting and scary week. We started out by seeing my O.B. last Tuesday, this was the first time we've seen her since Alyssa's passing and I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. To my surprise her reaction was actually very warm. She congratulated us on getting pregnant and is really hoping for the best.
We basically did a lot of talking, she was trying her best to calm my fears but at the same time there really isn't much she can do at this point since I am still very on. Never the less she said that she would write a referral for me to get an ultrasound so that I can ease my fears and see my baby early.
I went ahead and called for an appointment to get an ultrasound and ideally I wanted it to be for next week however because they were booked I had to take an earlier appointment which was last Friday. This ultrasound would barely make me 7 weeks and in my heart I knew that it was early but I've also heard of ladies who have gone in earlier and was able to detect a heart beat.
Friday rolls around and I'm trying to stay as cool as can be. We get to the ultrasound and to make a long story short the tech was only able to detect the gestational sac and yolk sac, but no fetal pole and no heartbeat. A Doctor ended up coming in and basically told me that by looking at the sac I am measuring about 6 and a 1/2 weeks and that in itself is too early too detect anything. He suggested that I come back in a week to check for viability. The Doctor said that at this point we basically have a 50/50 chance.
I left the appointment feeling confused at what to think and how to feel. I've heard about women not being able to see anything in the ultrasound because they came in too early but at the same time I've also known women to come in at 6 weeks and see their little peanut.
My saving grace out of all this is that I have no bleeding or cramping. I am hoping that my dates are off and I am earlier then I thought I was. I am hoping that my rainbow is really in there and she/he is growing and thriving. I go back on the 23rd to check on the growth and check for viability.
At this point there really is nothing I can do. As much as I want to take control of the situation, I can't, and I learned this the hard way when Alyssa died. I know deep down that there is a baby inside me but only time can tell. I just have to let nature take its course. Till then I'm just trying to keep busy and not think about it so much. I have to admit that the first 2 days after the appointment I spent hours online trying to get as much information as possible but what I read on the internet started to scare me even more so I quit cold turkey.
As for how I'm feeling , I still feel the same as I did last week. Severly tired, constantly hungry, I'm getting the icky feeling more than before but not to the point of vomitting (though I did do it once but that was because of the food I ate.) This whole time I've been pregnant I haven't gained one pound yet this past week I ended up gaining a pound and a half!! I must of been really bad this week ;)
On another side note it was Marlon's birthday this past week on the 10th and we had a nice quiet dinner with his family. He also was able to take two weeks off which is RARE and I'm trying to savor this time with him because I know for a fact that the next time he'll be off again for more then 3 days is when this baby is born (hoping that this baby is born.)
July 6: I Love Me Some Morning Sickness
written 7/6/12 (6 weeks 1 day)
Dear Baby,
You've just reached the 6 week mark!! It's another milestone, another day of being pregnant seems like a huge win for us.
I wish I didn't have to worry about all the things that could go wrong, but I unfortuantely know first hand that it can because it's happend before. My pregnancy this time around is no longer waiting for trimesters to end as a check point. This time around my check points are to hear your heartbeat and see you for the first time on an ultrasound. This will hopefully come within the next week or two.
I felt my first wave of nasuea the other day...It was such a welcomed sign because I've been wanting that reassurance that you're real. It's amazing how my mentality has changed from my first pregnancy to this one. With my first pregnancy I dreaded morning sickness and I'd complain SO much how horrible it felt (even though my MS did not even come close to some other people). Yet, this pregnancy is making me yearn for the sickness...if this MS is a sign that you arre thriving and getting all the nutrients you need then by all means please take what ever you need!
I think your daddy is still a little reserved with his feelings for you. I don't think he wants to really accept that you're real until he sees you. But I can see changes in him here and there. I think the more I get sick the better he feels because he knows you're the reason behind it=)
Please continue to grow and thrive...You are the glimmer of hope that I've been praying for since your big sister left us. I am beyond happy that you decided to appear just months after and I can't wait to see you for the first time.
In the meantime feel free to make your presence known by making me as sick as you want! Don't worry I won't complain =) Love you baby!
Dear Baby,
You've just reached the 6 week mark!! It's another milestone, another day of being pregnant seems like a huge win for us.
I wish I didn't have to worry about all the things that could go wrong, but I unfortuantely know first hand that it can because it's happend before. My pregnancy this time around is no longer waiting for trimesters to end as a check point. This time around my check points are to hear your heartbeat and see you for the first time on an ultrasound. This will hopefully come within the next week or two.
I felt my first wave of nasuea the other day...It was such a welcomed sign because I've been wanting that reassurance that you're real. It's amazing how my mentality has changed from my first pregnancy to this one. With my first pregnancy I dreaded morning sickness and I'd complain SO much how horrible it felt (even though my MS did not even come close to some other people). Yet, this pregnancy is making me yearn for the sickness...if this MS is a sign that you arre thriving and getting all the nutrients you need then by all means please take what ever you need!
I think your daddy is still a little reserved with his feelings for you. I don't think he wants to really accept that you're real until he sees you. But I can see changes in him here and there. I think the more I get sick the better he feels because he knows you're the reason behind it=)
Please continue to grow and thrive...You are the glimmer of hope that I've been praying for since your big sister left us. I am beyond happy that you decided to appear just months after and I can't wait to see you for the first time.
In the meantime feel free to make your presence known by making me as sick as you want! Don't worry I won't complain =) Love you baby!
July 1: 5 week update
written 7/1 (5weeks 3 days)
Well I've reached another week. I know it doesn't seem much but every day that I wake up and know that I'm still pregnant is a blessing to me. I sometimes I wonder if I really am pregnant since I don't really have strong symptoms but I know it's still early and it will probably get stronger in the weeks to come.
The few symptoms that I am having is constant urination, extreme fatigue, constant hunger and a growing waistline line. It's crazy how early I'm starting to show already. I mean I know it's only been 4 months since Alyssa which is causing my uterous to easily expand but come on it's not even 2 months yet! Oh well, I'm not going to complain about it...I'm just blessed to be given this miracle and I'm embracing all that comes with it.
With this growling waistline poses the question on when I will announce this pregnancy. Marlon and I are hesistant to announce so early...We want to wait until we at least see our Dr. to confirm this pregnancy h/ever it's getting very difficult to keep this secret. A part of me wants to scream to the world that it's happend, that Alyssa is going to be a big sister! This is especially true to the family and friends who have shared in this greiving process. I mean they have seen me at my worst and there's nothing more that I want to do then to let them know that there is a ray of light shining through in my life again. But a part of me will always have that fear whether or not this baby will actually make it. I fear that something bad will happen and I will lose another baby and I have to give people bad news once again.
I guess I just have to let things happen when they happen. At the end of the day Marlon and I are ok with telling our nearest and dearest. Afterall, it doesn't make a difference waiting till the second trimester when supposedly your chances of miscarrying drop dramatically and yet I lost Alyssa at 32 weeks, in her third trimester when supposedly she was in the clear.
Our first appointment with the Dr. is on 7/10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday it seems so long from now but it's really only a little over a week. I'm petrified with this appointment, mainly because I'm scared I'm going to hear those words again "I'm sorry but we can't find a heartbeat." I'm trying my hardest to think positive, that what happend with Alyssa was a freak accident, that there is no correlation with what happend to her and this new baby.
I wish to God that I was oblivious to all this...I want my innocence back and really enjoy this experience. Unfortunately I was one of the chosen few but I'll take it and make the most of it. I say that because I now know that this miracle that God gave me will not be taken for granted. I'm going to love this baby just as much as I loved Alyssa. I just wish that Alyssa was here to grow up with her little brother/sister. I'm also a realist and know that this baby wouldn't be here right now if Alyssa hadn't passed. This gift is bittersweet to say the least...I just hope it has a better ending then what happend with Alyssa.
I am only 5 and a half weeks into this pregnancy and I don't know where life will take me but I just hope that at the end of this journey I get to hear the sweet sounds of a baby crying!
Well I've reached another week. I know it doesn't seem much but every day that I wake up and know that I'm still pregnant is a blessing to me. I sometimes I wonder if I really am pregnant since I don't really have strong symptoms but I know it's still early and it will probably get stronger in the weeks to come.
The few symptoms that I am having is constant urination, extreme fatigue, constant hunger and a growing waistline line. It's crazy how early I'm starting to show already. I mean I know it's only been 4 months since Alyssa which is causing my uterous to easily expand but come on it's not even 2 months yet! Oh well, I'm not going to complain about it...I'm just blessed to be given this miracle and I'm embracing all that comes with it.
With this growling waistline poses the question on when I will announce this pregnancy. Marlon and I are hesistant to announce so early...We want to wait until we at least see our Dr. to confirm this pregnancy h/ever it's getting very difficult to keep this secret. A part of me wants to scream to the world that it's happend, that Alyssa is going to be a big sister! This is especially true to the family and friends who have shared in this greiving process. I mean they have seen me at my worst and there's nothing more that I want to do then to let them know that there is a ray of light shining through in my life again. But a part of me will always have that fear whether or not this baby will actually make it. I fear that something bad will happen and I will lose another baby and I have to give people bad news once again.
I guess I just have to let things happen when they happen. At the end of the day Marlon and I are ok with telling our nearest and dearest. Afterall, it doesn't make a difference waiting till the second trimester when supposedly your chances of miscarrying drop dramatically and yet I lost Alyssa at 32 weeks, in her third trimester when supposedly she was in the clear.
Our first appointment with the Dr. is on 7/10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday it seems so long from now but it's really only a little over a week. I'm petrified with this appointment, mainly because I'm scared I'm going to hear those words again "I'm sorry but we can't find a heartbeat." I'm trying my hardest to think positive, that what happend with Alyssa was a freak accident, that there is no correlation with what happend to her and this new baby.
I wish to God that I was oblivious to all this...I want my innocence back and really enjoy this experience. Unfortunately I was one of the chosen few but I'll take it and make the most of it. I say that because I now know that this miracle that God gave me will not be taken for granted. I'm going to love this baby just as much as I loved Alyssa. I just wish that Alyssa was here to grow up with her little brother/sister. I'm also a realist and know that this baby wouldn't be here right now if Alyssa hadn't passed. This gift is bittersweet to say the least...I just hope it has a better ending then what happend with Alyssa.
I am only 5 and a half weeks into this pregnancy and I don't know where life will take me but I just hope that at the end of this journey I get to hear the sweet sounds of a baby crying!
June 23: Dear Baby
written June 23, 2012 (4.3 weeks)
Dear Baby,
Hi - you don't know me yet but I'm your mommy. I learned about you just a few days ago and I couldn't be more excited to have you.
I am writing this lettter to you in secret. You see no on but your daddy and I know that you exsist. As much as we want to tell the whole world that we're going to be parents again, our first baby (your big sister) unfortuantely did not arrive with a happy ending. You see your big sister Alyssa is growing up in heaven. We lost her just 4 months ago and your daddy and I's life have never been the same since.
So as you can see keeping you a secret is something we want to keep and protect. You can say that we are guarded, we really put our heart and soul into it with your sister and it all came crashing down. I hope that as each day goes by I am able to slowly bring my guard down.
I'm sure there will be lots more to update but till then I wanted to let you know that I love you already...I just need you to do whatever you can to grow and thrive so that I can kiss you when I meet you.
Love,
Mom
Dear Baby,
Hi - you don't know me yet but I'm your mommy. I learned about you just a few days ago and I couldn't be more excited to have you.
I am writing this lettter to you in secret. You see no on but your daddy and I know that you exsist. As much as we want to tell the whole world that we're going to be parents again, our first baby (your big sister) unfortuantely did not arrive with a happy ending. You see your big sister Alyssa is growing up in heaven. We lost her just 4 months ago and your daddy and I's life have never been the same since.
So as you can see keeping you a secret is something we want to keep and protect. You can say that we are guarded, we really put our heart and soul into it with your sister and it all came crashing down. I hope that as each day goes by I am able to slowly bring my guard down.
I'm sure there will be lots more to update but till then I wanted to let you know that I love you already...I just need you to do whatever you can to grow and thrive so that I can kiss you when I meet you.
Love,
Mom
June 23: Rambling Saturday
written June 23, 2012
It's been a whole 3 days since I've learned I am carrying my rainbow baby. I don't think it's really sank in on how BIG this news is. I wonder if my mind just won't let me accept this news for fear that this baby may not make it at the end. All I can do is take it day by day and be thankful that there are no signs of miscarriage.
Marlon and I have decided not to tell anyone until we at least go to the doctor and get our first ultra sound; to get proof that our rainbow really is in there. Till then we are keeping this our little secret. It's kind of fun in a way to know a secret so big that no one knows. At the same time I can't wait to tell our family and friends. They have been through the saddest of times with me and I would want nothing more then to finally share some good news! I just hope that this good news comes with a crying baby at the end.
So far I've been doing ok...I sometimes get this "icky" feeling but more then anything I am just really tired. All I feel like doing is laying in bed. My first appointment with our O.B. is on July 10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday. I hope that this appointment confirms the pregnancy and I can give Marlon some good news.
Till then I'm kind of just going about my days as if nothings changed. I don't think my mind will let me dream the way I used to dream. I've been scarred and been hurt way too deep to not let myself get to that place again. It's sad in a way, and I hope that if this pregnancy does continue that I can feel excitement again. This little peanut deserves to have just as much hopefulness, excitement, love as Alyssa did and I do hope that I can give that to him/her.
I don't know what this blog will turn into in the next few weeks/months. At first it was a place for me to go to and write about my grief as well as a place to remember and talk about Alyssa. Now, I see it as a way to update people on the progress of my pregnancy, to document everything that happens no matter what the outcome is.
This by no means replaces Alyssa's space on this blog as I am still grieving for my little girl and wish more then anything that she was here with me, and that I didn't have this memorial blog.
In the end this blog is about a girl who had big dreams only to have them taken away by a cruel twist of fate. This girl learned things about herself that she never knew before and litterally had to pick up pieces of her life that came crumbling down. Now, life has given her another chance, and she is trying her hardest to embrace this new life inside her. It's a struggle but as she lives day to day she's hoping that she becomes more hopeful and more excited.
It's been a whole 3 days since I've learned I am carrying my rainbow baby. I don't think it's really sank in on how BIG this news is. I wonder if my mind just won't let me accept this news for fear that this baby may not make it at the end. All I can do is take it day by day and be thankful that there are no signs of miscarriage.
Marlon and I have decided not to tell anyone until we at least go to the doctor and get our first ultra sound; to get proof that our rainbow really is in there. Till then we are keeping this our little secret. It's kind of fun in a way to know a secret so big that no one knows. At the same time I can't wait to tell our family and friends. They have been through the saddest of times with me and I would want nothing more then to finally share some good news! I just hope that this good news comes with a crying baby at the end.
So far I've been doing ok...I sometimes get this "icky" feeling but more then anything I am just really tired. All I feel like doing is laying in bed. My first appointment with our O.B. is on July 10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday. I hope that this appointment confirms the pregnancy and I can give Marlon some good news.
Till then I'm kind of just going about my days as if nothings changed. I don't think my mind will let me dream the way I used to dream. I've been scarred and been hurt way too deep to not let myself get to that place again. It's sad in a way, and I hope that if this pregnancy does continue that I can feel excitement again. This little peanut deserves to have just as much hopefulness, excitement, love as Alyssa did and I do hope that I can give that to him/her.
I don't know what this blog will turn into in the next few weeks/months. At first it was a place for me to go to and write about my grief as well as a place to remember and talk about Alyssa. Now, I see it as a way to update people on the progress of my pregnancy, to document everything that happens no matter what the outcome is.
This by no means replaces Alyssa's space on this blog as I am still grieving for my little girl and wish more then anything that she was here with me, and that I didn't have this memorial blog.
In the end this blog is about a girl who had big dreams only to have them taken away by a cruel twist of fate. This girl learned things about herself that she never knew before and litterally had to pick up pieces of her life that came crumbling down. Now, life has given her another chance, and she is trying her hardest to embrace this new life inside her. It's a struggle but as she lives day to day she's hoping that she becomes more hopeful and more excited.
June 20: A Rainbow is Conceived
written June 20, 2012
Well folks it happened! Marlon and I are pregnant!! I still can't believe it...
I woke today feeling weird and something inside me just told me to test. Of course with the luck I've been having these past few months I told myself that it was probably negative. As I waited for the test to give me its results, my heart just started beating really fast. The three minutes felt like hours. As I was brushing my teeth I looked down at the test and low and behold it said "Pregnant".
I felt numb neither in a good way nor a bad way. I just stood there and kept staring at the test thinking if I blinked that it would actually say "Not Pregnant" that my mind somehow played a cruel trick on me. I closed my eyes and just took it all in.
Pregnant.
A life is once again growing inside me. Before I shared my news with Marlon I decided to take this time for myself. I walked over to the living room where Alyssa's ashes were and I just stood there staring at the tiny memorial we made for her. I picked up her ashes and with tears in my eyes thanked her. I knew she had some sort of hand in helping me get pregnant. I asked her to please take care of me as I walked this long and scary road. I asked her to bless this new life and protect her baby brother or sister.
I then went to our bed room, got in bed and told Marlon that I had his father's day gift. He said in a slumber "I told you, you didn't have to get me anything" I then said "yes, but I did anyway so you have to see what it is"...he then warily opened his eyes and looked straight at the HPT and for a while he kept saying "I can't see it" and "I don't know what it says", I finally said "what do you think it says if I'm showing you this!!!!"...He then finally really looked at it and said "I told you, you were pregnant."
Ok, so maybe the last few weeks I've been having some pregnancy symptoms but I didn't want myself to think that I was because I'd be crushed if I actually wasn't. Yet, this whole time Marlon kept saying he's sure that I am. Guess he was right with that one!
So as of today I am 3 weeks 6 days and my due date is 2/28/2013. I don't know what the next 8-9 months will hold for me. I'm sure it's going to be a scary ride and I just hope that in the end I have a screaming baby coming out of me. Those cries will be sweet music to my ears.
Well folks it happened! Marlon and I are pregnant!! I still can't believe it...
I woke today feeling weird and something inside me just told me to test. Of course with the luck I've been having these past few months I told myself that it was probably negative. As I waited for the test to give me its results, my heart just started beating really fast. The three minutes felt like hours. As I was brushing my teeth I looked down at the test and low and behold it said "Pregnant".
I felt numb neither in a good way nor a bad way. I just stood there and kept staring at the test thinking if I blinked that it would actually say "Not Pregnant" that my mind somehow played a cruel trick on me. I closed my eyes and just took it all in.
Pregnant.
A life is once again growing inside me. Before I shared my news with Marlon I decided to take this time for myself. I walked over to the living room where Alyssa's ashes were and I just stood there staring at the tiny memorial we made for her. I picked up her ashes and with tears in my eyes thanked her. I knew she had some sort of hand in helping me get pregnant. I asked her to please take care of me as I walked this long and scary road. I asked her to bless this new life and protect her baby brother or sister.
I then went to our bed room, got in bed and told Marlon that I had his father's day gift. He said in a slumber "I told you, you didn't have to get me anything" I then said "yes, but I did anyway so you have to see what it is"...he then warily opened his eyes and looked straight at the HPT and for a while he kept saying "I can't see it" and "I don't know what it says", I finally said "what do you think it says if I'm showing you this!!!!"...He then finally really looked at it and said "I told you, you were pregnant."
Ok, so maybe the last few weeks I've been having some pregnancy symptoms but I didn't want myself to think that I was because I'd be crushed if I actually wasn't. Yet, this whole time Marlon kept saying he's sure that I am. Guess he was right with that one!
So as of today I am 3 weeks 6 days and my due date is 2/28/2013. I don't know what the next 8-9 months will hold for me. I'm sure it's going to be a scary ride and I just hope that in the end I have a screaming baby coming out of me. Those cries will be sweet music to my ears.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Cat's Outta The Bag
What secret have I finally started telling you might ask??
Well everyone, I'm pregnant!! Yes, my dear Alyssa is going to be a big sister.
I just reached twelve weeks yesterday and I do apologize for the late announcement however because I do have close friends and family who often read this blog, I wanted to make sure they heard the news from us first before I announced it here.
This is the main reason why I haven't been writing so much however I have been secretly writing throughout this pregnancy which I will share with you all right after I end this post.
Now that our news is out in the open I feel relieved. It also feels more real the more we tell people. How I'm feeling you ask? I'm scared shitless and yet hopeful at the same time. I want to love this baby with every once of my being but at the same time don't want to open myself up like I did with Alyssa for fear that my hopes and dreams may once again come crashing down.
I no longer look months ahead but instead glad that I made it through another day knowing that my baby is still alive. I pray everynight hoping that this time, I will get the ending that I wanted so desperately with Alyssa.
The one big change in my life this time around is that I no longer stress about the small stuff nor the big stuff if I can help it. It's crazy how things have changed. What would normally drive me crazy no longer fazes me.
I have 28 more weeks to go and GOD knows what a crazy ride this will be. I've already had some freakout moments which you will soon find out but I know that I have GOD on my side, not to mention a very special angel watching out for Marlon and I.
Here is the latest picture of our little gummy bear...Come on you have to admit that this baby of mine sorta looks like one ;)
Alyssa - I can only imagine where you are right now and how carefree you must be...I miss you so much and still think about you on a daily basis. I know that you are looking down at your Daddy and I and consistently watching over us, guiding us. We need you more then ever...We need you to watch over your little baby brother/sister. I know you'll do the best you can. We love you baby girl...
Well everyone, I'm pregnant!! Yes, my dear Alyssa is going to be a big sister.
I just reached twelve weeks yesterday and I do apologize for the late announcement however because I do have close friends and family who often read this blog, I wanted to make sure they heard the news from us first before I announced it here.
This is the main reason why I haven't been writing so much however I have been secretly writing throughout this pregnancy which I will share with you all right after I end this post.
Now that our news is out in the open I feel relieved. It also feels more real the more we tell people. How I'm feeling you ask? I'm scared shitless and yet hopeful at the same time. I want to love this baby with every once of my being but at the same time don't want to open myself up like I did with Alyssa for fear that my hopes and dreams may once again come crashing down.
I no longer look months ahead but instead glad that I made it through another day knowing that my baby is still alive. I pray everynight hoping that this time, I will get the ending that I wanted so desperately with Alyssa.
The one big change in my life this time around is that I no longer stress about the small stuff nor the big stuff if I can help it. It's crazy how things have changed. What would normally drive me crazy no longer fazes me.
I have 28 more weeks to go and GOD knows what a crazy ride this will be. I've already had some freakout moments which you will soon find out but I know that I have GOD on my side, not to mention a very special angel watching out for Marlon and I.
Here is the latest picture of our little gummy bear...Come on you have to admit that this baby of mine sorta looks like one ;)
Alyssa - I can only imagine where you are right now and how carefree you must be...I miss you so much and still think about you on a daily basis. I know that you are looking down at your Daddy and I and consistently watching over us, guiding us. We need you more then ever...We need you to watch over your little baby brother/sister. I know you'll do the best you can. We love you baby girl...
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