Signs

Dear Alyssa,

This has been a tough week for me.  For some reason I missed you more this week then I ever have.  Maybe it's because I returned to work after being gone for 3 months, and getting back into a routine without you is making me miss you so much more.  The good thing is that going to work is keeping me busy.  Two significant things happend this week which I have a feeling you had something to do with.

The first, was me noticing something on my co-worker Susan's computer.  I had to stop her in mid conversation because something on her screen caught my eye.  What I saw stopped me in my tracks.  I couldn't believe what I saw, and the minute I saw it, I knew it was a sign from you.  It was a hand drawn picture of a rainbow and underneath it said "if you wish for a life without the pain then you'll never see the beauty of a rainbow after the rain."  Thank you baby girl for sending me that sign and letting  me know you are continuing to look after me.  I do hope to be blessed one day with a rainbow, and I'll know that the beauty of my rainbow will outweigh all the pain I've ever experienced.

The second thing that happend this week (actually happend today) was an email I received.  Months after you left I spent a lot of time on the internet surfing anything and everything about baby/infant loss.  I came across a website called names in the sand.  This lady named Carly (who unfortunately also lost a child herself) goes to a beach in Australia and each day she writes on the sand, names of children like yourself who grew wings and are now living in heaven.  She then photographs them and posts them on her blog.  Unfortunately there was a super long wait list, hundreds of people it seemed.  I put in the request assuming it would take months for her to get to me.  Anyways, it didn't take more then a month and I was super excited when I got the email.  I knew it was going to be beautiful even before I opened the email, but what I saw was beyond words.  Not only was it the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen, it was also a purple sunset!  I know it was you who painted this sunset for me, and I couldn't be more grateful...

"At the end of the day all the children of heaven come together to paint the colors of the sunset."

-Carly Marie Dudley

This week could of gone real bad real quick but it seems like every time I'm close to getting there I receive a sign from you telling me to not give up, that you are with me and that you will carry me through this.  Thank you so much because there are some days where I honestly don't know how to go on.  Anyone who hasn't experienced losing a child has no idea how painful, lost, and alone one can feel.  I felt that this week, but I'm glad you've reached out to me to let me know you're with me.  I love you with all my heart. 

Love,

Mommy

Reflections

At one point Alyssa made me the happiest person in the entire world.  Finally!  I actually get to be a mother, and I'll be a damn good one too. That happiness is now gone and is replaced with a sadness that I would never wish upon anyone else.  It sometimes takes my breath away and I have to hold on for dear life just to make it through the day.  The happiest time in my life also turned out to be the worst.

Alyssa was so easy to care for that I felt confident every single day I was carrying her...I told myself "I got this...This pregnancy thing is a breeze!"  Who knew that meeting Alyssa for the first time was also the same time I had to learn to say goodbye.  My confidence has been replaced with a fear that's so indescribable that if it had a face, it would scare everyone half to death.  Life, took my smug attitude and showed me a thing or two...Never again will I have that confidence that nothing bad can happen to me, because it has and damn it fucking hurts.

Alyssa had her whole life planned out (by myself of course!), I often dreamt about her first play dates with baby Audrey and baby Aiden, her first birthday, first day of school, prom, her first boyfriend and first heartache, her wedding, and her future children.  That optimism has been shattered and is now replaced with me scratching and crawling just to make it through the day...It's sad to say but my dreams have succumbed to living day to day.

This is the new person that I have to get used to being.  I can never be the same person I was before Alyssa left.  My new normal consists of an empty hole in my heart... People may think that I'm doing well and some days I am, but they don't know that my insides are yearning for this child that I've lost, I will always yearn for my child that left much too soon.  My child that I'll never get to hold again, kiss again, hug again.  Instead of raising my child here on earth, I am missing my child living in heaven. 

A Dream I Once Had

I go to bed every night hoping and wishing that I dream of Alyssa.   This is the only way I can really feel her with me and the only way I feel she can connect to me.  So far in the 2 and a half months since she's passed I've only had 1 dream of her, until the other night that is...

It was a vague dream but I remember that she was in it.  She unfortunately was not alive in my dream but what I loved about that dream was that I was able to answer a question that's been nagging at me...I found out what color her eyes were!  Since I never got the chance to see her open her eyes I always wondered if she had dark brown eyes like her mommy or light brown eyes like her daddy.  Well according to my dream she had dark brown eyes but in the sun her eyes turned a lighter brown.

I woke up from that dream with a sense of peace.  Finally an answer to a question that's been tormenting me.  What I'd give to see her open her eyes and to hear her voice.  A good friend told me that her voice is anything that sounds beautiful.  I like that.

Lately, I've been listening to this song that fits exactly what I'm thinking/feeling.  I wrote down the words here:

See you Again - Carrie Underwood

Said goodbye, turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun,
Slipped away
But I won’t cry
Cause I know I’ll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow

[Chorus]
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again

I can hear those echoes in the wind at night
Calling me back in time
Back to you
In a place far away
Where the water meets the sky
The thought of it makes me smile
You are my tomorrow

[Chorus]

Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I’ll see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, yeah yeah

I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again
Till I see you again,
Till I see you again,
Said goodbye turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone

Till I see you again my baby girl...Hopefully tonight in my dreams.



Life After Alyssa

The three month mark is vast approaching, there's so much that's happend and with it came so many  emotions.  I went from being pregnant, finding out my baby died, having surgery to deliver my baby, and saying hello and goodbye to an angel.  I went from feeling like my world just came crumbling down, to now looking at life from a new perspective.  A second chance to live my life like I've never lived it before.  To be hopeful of the future and it's wonderful possibilities. 

I've done so much in the last 3 months...I planned my baby's funeral, had a celebration of life luncheon with family and friends, took a week long vacation to Italy, went to Napa, went to Tahoe, took long walks on the beach.  I managed to get through Alyssa's due date as well as Mother's day and I am still here standing. 

Anyways, that's my shpeal...Here are some snapshots of whats happend these past 3 months...

People dream of angels...I held one in my arms...

My Baby...

Our one and only family portrait

No parent should ever have to attend one of these...

Celebration of Alyssa's brief life...

Visiting the Colosseum ~ Rome

Enjoying some Gelato in the streets of Rome

Visiting St. Peter's Square ~ Vatican City

Sistine Chapel~ this pic does not do it justice

Walking the streets of Rome

Trevi Fountain~ Rome

Marlon and I on a gondola~ Venice

Enjoying our gondola ride ~ Venice

At the Rialto Bridge looking over the grand canal~ Venice

Lighting a candle at St. Peter and Paul in honor of Alyssa's due date

Enjoying dinner and watching the sunset ~ Pacifica

Saovanh and I enjoying a nice day in Napa

Marlon and I enjoying a nice walk at Sunset Beach

Mother's Day

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself spending my first mothers day without my child.  I have been dreading this day for a few weeks now and I have to say today isn't as bad as I thought it would be.  In any event I am still choosing to spend the day at home, I am not in the mood to celebrate.

I could play the "woes me" card and let you all know how horrible this day is for me.  I can yell and scream at GOD for taking my baby away, I can live my life as if it no longer mattered, but I won't.  I will not let something like this break me down.  There is so much more life to live, and I intend to live it to the fullest.  I want to make my baby proud.  I want her to know that I can still laugh, smile, and love.  

As a mother you are suppose to teach your child life skills, like how to function in the outside world.  I unfortunately can't do that with my child living in heaven.  The ironic thing is that Alyssa is the one teaching me these life skills.  Since her passing I am so much more patient, things don't get to me like they used to.  She has taught me to really appreciate the people around me.  I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life.  I know that none of us are guarenteed tomorrow so I'm living today like it's my last.

There is still so much to be thankful for...

I am blessed to have two amazing mothers who love their children unconditionally and will do anything to make them happy. 

I am blessed to be surronded by amazing friends who are also mothers.  You all inspire me and are such amazing mothers to your children.  I can only hope that one day I can raise a child of my own and will take what I've learned from you all into my everyday life. 

Thank you to everyone who has wished me a Happy Mothers Day...It means so much to me that I am still recognized as a mother.  You have made this very dark day shine with light. 

I visited a dear friend of mine the other day.  I haven't seen her in over a month (but it felt like eternity) and it was so nice catching up on everything that's happend in our lives.  Anyways, I started getting teary eyed (I'm just a cry baby these days) because we started talking about Alyssa and she told me that since I was already crying that she might as well give me my mothers day gift.  I seriously didn't expect to get anything for mothers day but it touched me deeply that she did. 

My dear friend Melissa gave me a beautiful card along with a necklace that had three charms each representing something special.  The letter A, the color purple, and angel wings.  I was speechless and of course sobbing.  I wear the necklace everyday.

There was something else that she gave me.  She found a poem that related to me.  I knew that it affected her deeply because she turned away while I read it.  This poem was the most beautiful thing I've ever read and I still cry everytime I read it.  I would like to share it with you now:

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven:

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear

A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know

that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me, somtimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way, to remind her of her wonderous worth

She needs to be honored, and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best

I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity. 

Alyssa - I am missing you more then ever today.  You should be here by my side.  I should be carrying you in my arms instead of my heart.  I hope you are enjoying yourself where ever you are.  You may have only been in my life for a short 8 months but your life has impacted me in ways no one else has.  Most importantly you gave me the greatest gift possible...You gave me the gift of motherhood.  Thank you for that.   

The Spare Bedroom

Before this tragedy Alyssa's room used to just be the spare bedroom, a storage room if you ask me.  But, when we found out we were expecting, the room changed, it slowly started becoming a nursery.  Then, when we found out it was a girl it was no longer a nursery, it became Alyssa's room. Who would of thought that a room can change and grow in an instant.   

A few weeks before this tragedy happend I used to constantly go into Alyssa's room trying to get everything ready.  We had just gotten her crib and changing table (which my in-laws were so gracious enough to get us) and I literally just bought a night stand the day before she passed.   I was contemplating how I was going to decorate the room, I wanted to make it personal and girly.  I had already settled on having Alyssa's name on the wall by her crib and was just waiting on a good friend of mine to help (you know who you are! ; ) )

Then she passed and everything changed...

I remember people being concerned how I would react going home and seeing the room.  They thought it may have been a good idea to break down the furniture since it may hurt too much to see it.  That was so far from the truth.  The first thing that I did when I got home was run into her room.  I wanted to rip that band aid off as fast as possible and while it hurt like hell to do so, it also helped me to start the healing process.

I won't lie, I cried and wailed like a child, I stood over Alyssa's crib imagining her there with tears streaming down my face.  I looked around at that moment and imagined so many happy memories that were supposed to happen.  I imagined sitting on a rocking chair (that I never did get) feeding her, I imagined changing Alyssa's diaper on top of her beautiful changing table.  These images, a lifetime of images that were never meant to be.  Her room was suppose to be a happy place, not once did it occur to me that this room, this peaceful place suddenly became a room for greiving. 

Alyssa's room, the nursery, changed back to the "spare bedroom/storage room" hoping one day this room can once again change.

International Bereaved Mothers Day

Yesterday was International Bereaved Mother's Day, a day that I probably would never have even heard about had I not lost my daughter.  I hate the fact that I know what this day is and what it represents.  I am dreading this upcoming mother's day.  This was suppose to be my first mothers day, a day to celebrate what I have become.  While I know that I am still a mother to Alyssa I can't help but feel sorrow knowing that I couldn't raise her in this lifetime. 

I hate knowing that when random people see me they don't see me as a mother because I don't have my baby here with me. When people see me they don't know that I gave birth to a baby girl and five days later had to kiss her goodbye.  They don't know that a week after I had to see my baby girl in a coffin as they dragged her off to have her cremated.  An image that I will carry forever and wished that I never had to do.  When they carried her away they also carried away all the hopes and dreams I had for her and for my family. 

When people see me they see a smile on my face and see the optimism that I have for life (which I honestly do), but they don't know that there is still a hole in my heart and in my life.  They see my husband and I but they don't know that there is one missing.  There will always be one missing. 

While I've learned to accept what's happend I still have those days where I question why.  Why me?  Why did God bless me with a baby only to take it away 8 months later?  Why was I chosen to be an angel mother? I hope one day I can see the bigger picture. 

Despite it all, I am still Alyssa's mother.  I am honored to be her mommy and I would not trade her for anything in the world.  I am glad that she has a mommy who care so deeply for her, who thinks about her everyday, and writes about her in order to keep her memory alive.  It's the least that I can do, and I am honored to do it. 

To all the other angel mommies out there, I am sorry for your loss and am thinking of you during this time.  At the same time I thank you for sharing your stories with me.  God knows that I would not be where I am today without you all, and knowing that I am not alone on this road.  I hope that this road that we are on will lead us to a happier place and brings us the peace that we are searching for. 

Looking Back

I can't believe it's been 2 and a half months since Alyssa was born.  Where has the time gone?  I vividly remember the days leading up to her birth.  My how my life has changed since then.  I used to be so happy and carefree with this pregnancy.  I have to honestly say that it was one of the best times of my life.  I connected with my daugther in such a deep way that there's no words that can describe how I felt.  It saddens me that the people around me couldn't connect with her the way I did.  She was truly a special soul.

This has come as a complete shock to me and I am still learning to live with what happend.  I can honestly say that I'm doing better then the first few weeks after her birth but there's still this hole in my life.  Alyssa was ripped away from me with no warning.  A whole future that I dreamed and planned for, gone with a blink of an eye.  Makes you realize just how precious life is, and what miracle it is to have a living child.

Had I known what I know now I would of done so many things differently. I would of talked to Alyssa more, I would of told her I loved her everyday (even though I'm sure she knows), I would of embraced this pregnancy by not being ashamed of taking pictures of myself and my huge belly. I would of sang to her, I would of done so much more.  I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye while she was still alive.

I have to say though that I never thought I'd be here 2 and a half months out stronger then I have ever been before.  Alyssa has taught me so much in such a short time.  Because of her I know the true meaning of love because I have been saddened with her loss.  I have learned to be more patient because I have already experienced the worst possible thing anybody can ever experience and so, anything else is manageable.  I hope that this is my rock bottom that anything else after this will only get better. 

I love you Alyssa, I hope you are enjoying yourself up there in heaven.  Just wanted to let you know that I miss you dearly.