Alyssa's Story

I married the love of my life on September 4, 2010.  We knew we always wanted to have kids, it was just a matter of when.  We were completely shocked to find out that 3 months after being married we were pregnant.  This was a nice surprise considering we weren't even trying. I was 4 weeks pregnant when I found out.  Our happiness however did not last long because one week later I miscarried.  While we were disappointed beyond belief at what happend it only validated just how much we wanted to be parents.

Since then we were "actively trying" and it didn't take long before I was once again pregnant.  I remember the day, it was August 15th and I just knew this month was the month.  I remember taking a pregnancy test and the "pregnant" came up on the digital screen, suddenly a warm feeling just came over me.  I immediately ran to our bedroom and woke Marlon up.  I told him the news and in a slumber he said "I told you it was gonna happen."  We were ecstatic, but I was terrified because all I kept thinking about was how easily I can lose this pregnancy as well.

The months after finding out were relatively easy.  I would often day dream about what I would be having.  Marlon thought it was a boy and I thought it was a girl, just to be difficult.  We went to our first ultrasound and was amazed seeing the heartbeat of our little peanut.  Then at our second ultrasound we saw our little peanut love and kick, it was amazing!  Marlon kept saying that his baby was meant to be a motorcycle racer the way it kept kicking their legs. 

November rolled around and it was the time to find out what we were having.  I remember being in the waiting room with Marlon and we were both so nervous, all we kept doing was looking at our phones trying to pass the time.  Finally, the news arrived...We were having a girl!  I couldn't help but look at Marlon and I gave him the "I told you so" look.  I couldn't believe it, a girl!  My heart swelled immediately and I fell in love with my baby even more (don't get me wrong...I would of done the same if it was a boy, but I always wanted to have a girl).  This ultrasound also shared some not so good news.  The doctor told me that I had a low lying placenta called "placenta previa" and it occurs in 1 out of every 200 pregnancies.  She told me that because I was still early on that the placenta will most likely move before I had to deliver.  Until then I will just need to be monitored closely. 

So, each month I would get an ultrasound to check my baby and also whether the placenta moved.  It was cool in a way to see my baby progress as she got bigger and bigger each month.  Every month that I went in for the ultrasound the doctor would tell me that my placenta was moving and it looked pretty good, she thought that by the time I delivered it may actually move all the way. 

December and January rolled by without a hitch, and I could honestly say that my pregnancy did not bother me one bit.  I loved it in fact, I loved feeling her move and kick and I especially loved her hiccups, it was the strangest feeling ever!  Marlon and I would lay awake at night (my baby was a night owl) and play with her.  When she kicked we would push back and being the active little girl she was would kick right back.  Marlon called her his little dancer.  During this time we wondered what we would name our little peanut.  Marlon after so many attempts came up with Alyssa, and I knew that was the name of our baby girl (that and Alyssa was the only name we both liked). 

February came and I couldn't be any happier...I just reached 30 weeks!  I was now able to officially count down the weeks when I'll get to hold my baby girl. 

February 16th came and I noticed that I was spotting, not a lot  but enought to cause concern.  This was the first time I spotted throughout my pregnancy and it worried me.  Marlon took me to the E.R. where they hooked me up to the fetal monitor and I instantly heard Alyssa's heartbeat, and I was instantly relieved to hear how strong it was beating.  They also sent me for an ultra sound just to make sure everything was ok, and Marlon and I were able to see Alyssa again.  The tech told us that everything looked fine, and we also knew that everything was fine after seeing her on the screen.  We talked to the doctor for a bit and she told me that because of my previa it was normal to bleed.  She also checked my cervix and it was still high (that's a good thing).  Based on all the testing and my cervix, the doctor thought there was absolutely nothing wrong.  However, to be on the safe side she wanted me to stay at home and be on bed rest for the rest of the week.

Because I was so far along I didn't mind listening to the doctor and I became the perfect patient.  I didn't lift a thing!  I laid on the couch literally all weekend and did absolutely nothing.  Life was good.  Sunday rolled around and the minute I woke up I noticed that Alyssa wasn't moving as often as she normally would, but I then felt her around noon time and I said to Marlon "god, I am so happy she is moving."  Marlon kissed me goodbye, and it was another whole day to myself sitting on the couch watching TV.  Throughout the day Alyssa didn't move but I thought she was just sleeping or going through a growth spurt.  I drank a soda, ate some chocolate hoping it would wake her up (since it normally did in the past) and nothing...I thought to myself  "gosh she's a lazy one..." Before Marlon left work I asked him to buy me a bottole of O.J. since I knew for sure that would wake her up.  When he got home I immediately opened the bottle of O.J. and drank it, then laid down and waited for her to kick.  Ten minutes rolled by and nothing...I was starting to freak out.  I called the nurse hotline and she told me to go to the E.R. and get checked out just to be safe.

I remember driving to the hospital hoping that she was ok and that I didn't have to delivery early.  I already knew the routine since I was just there 3 days ago.  They brought me to a room, hooked me up to the fetal monitor but this time it sounded different.  First of all, it took the nurse a few minutes to hear anything, and when she did hear the heartbeat it was very faint.  She wanted to be sure that she was doing it right so went and called another nurse over.  The second nurse too couldn't tell where her heartbeat was.  I started to get really worried when she had to call a doctor over.  The doctor (Dr. Massa) came along with a portable ultrasound to see if they can find a heartbeat on the monitor.  5 minutes went by and no one said a word.  I looked at the doctor and asked her "is there a heartbeat?" she looked at me, shooked her head and said "I don't think so."  She however wanted to make sure and called another Dr. over...It was this next doctor that confirmed my worst fear.  Alyssa no longer had a heartbeat.  Alyssa was dead.  That faint heartbeat we all heard wasn't Alyssa's heartbeat, it was mine.  Oh what I'd do to give my own heartbeat for hers. 

I couldn't believe it.  I remember so vividly Dr. Massa touching my knee and telling me how sorry she was.  I didn't know what to say, what to feel, and how to act.  I asked the Dr. if she can give us a few minutes alone.

Once we were left alone I looked at Marlon and said "Mister, our baby's gone". I laid back on the bed and closed my eyes. How could this have happend to me. Was this a dream? If I piched myself would I wake up?  I couldn't even cry.  I wanted to cry so bad but the tears never came. 

The first thing I did was call one of my best friend's Yenny.  By this time it was past 2 a.m. and I'm sure she knew there was something wrong if I was calling her this late.  The first thing I said to her was "Yenny, Alyssa's gone.  She didn't make it."  Again, no tears came...I just told her to please take care of sharing the news with our closest friends.  Marlon, while I was on the phone was texting/calling his closest friends and relatives telling them the news.  I think we were just in a state of shock that telling people the news was the only thing we were able to do.  The sucky part about all this was that my mom was in the Philippines on vacation with my oldest brother.  My middle brother had to break the news to her.

The Dr. came back in and I asked her what happens next.  She told me that I had the option to either give birth vaginally or via C-section.  I told her that I wanted to do it via C-section, this was because of  two reasons.  The first reason was because I still had a marginal previa, and I didn't want to take the chance of hemorraging.  The second reason was that I didn't want to push out a dead baby.  I just couldn't do it.  While I was waiting for them to prep me for the operation, bad thoughts were going through my head.  All I kept thinking about was how I didn't want to look at Alyssa.  Marlon looked at me and he said it was my decision but he was going to see her. 

An hour went by and I was laying on the operating table ready to be cut open.  I asked to be awake while they performed the operation, but the next thing I know I wake up and it was over.  Apparently the doctors thought it would be best that I not be awake, and now that I think about it, I'm glad they put me under.  Anyways, I wake up and it was over...Alyssa was out.  I looked at Marlon and asked him if he saw her and he shakes his head and the first thing he says was "she looks like you." 

Now I know that I said I didn't want to meet her, but after she was out, that was the only thing I wanted to do.  The nurse brought Alyssa to me and I couldn't believe what I saw!  She was perfect.  I didn't know what to expect to see for a 32 week old baby but what I did see amazed me.  She looked like a perfect baby and it looked like she was just sleeping.  Alyssa was born at 4:17 a.m. and weighed 3 lbs 8 oz, and was 16 inches long.  I couldn't believe how long she was but wasn't too surprised considering her daddy was 6 feet tall. 

Meeting Alyssa was the happiest and saddest day of my life.  Never did I think that saying hello to my daughter also meant saying goodbye.  Holding her was the happiest decision I ever made and I still hate myself for even thinking of not seeing her.  I still relive this day over and over in my mind, not because of anything sad but because those were the only times I got to hold her and spend time with her.  I miss Alyssa so much.  I never knew I could love someone so much. 

So this is my story.  While at this point in time I'm still devastated at what happend, I hope that one day I can look back and know that I gave birth to a child to good and too perfect for this earth.  I find comfort in knowing she is in a better place and is in the presence of GOD.  If Alyssa couldn't be held in my arms, then I'm glad she is being held in GOD's arms.  I know there will be a day when we will meet again.