4 Months

I know I say this a lot but I can't believe how fast time has flown by.  I miss Alyssa still, probably now more then ever but somethings been different lately.  I feel like I am able to coexist with the fact that she isn't here with me. 

I had another dream recently...It's probably got to be the best dream I've had since Alyssa passed.  I dreamt that I had another baby, another baby girl and this time she made it out alive.  The dream was so clear...I remember my mom coming into my hospital room carrying my daughter and she gave her to me.  I stared at her and just memorized her face...she was adorable.  I didn't name her in my dream but I knew she was my second child.

Not sure what led me to dream this...but I woke up very happy.  I hope that's a sign of what's ahead because I want that happiness.  I want to be able to stare into the eyes of my baby and just take everything in.

I think that ever since we received Alyssa's autopsy reports a part of me was finally able to get closure.  Before then I was always wondering what was wrong, what happened, and if it will happen again.  Now that I know that what happened was so rare that it probably will not happen again, I can finally exhale and start looking forward towards the future.
This dream was a validation of how I want my life to get better, but its really up to me to do so, I feel a change coming and I am so ready for it!  I of course will never forget the past, it is after all what has made me who I am today, and despite how bad things got for me I'm actually grateful that I was able to come out of this much stronger and more grateful.

I've also learned to just slow it down.  My whole life I've always been eager to get to the next phase in my life.  When I was 13 I wanted to be sixteen, then when I turned sixteen I wanted to be eighteen, on and on.  Alyssa's passing forced me to stop, when she died it was so hard to get through the day let alone breathe.  Now, I'm happy to say that I'm not so anxious.  That I can stop, look around and just take everything in. 

There is so much to be grateful for.  This tragedy could of ruined Marlon and I but instead it has made our relationship so much stronger.  This tragedy could of made me run the opposite way from having another child, but it's only made me more determined to try again.  This tragedy could of damaged every single friendship I've made since no on would understand what I'm going through but instead I've gotten closer to my friends and know that through think and thin they will be there for me just as I will be there for them.

I always knew that time would help ease the pain but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would actually be hopeful for life this early, it's been 4 months and here I am just waiting to be happy.

I survived the most tragic scenario...Not a lot of people can say that they've been through hell and back but I have!  So life, here I am patiently waiting, happiness can't come any sooner...