Today is suppose to be a day of thanks and I am very thankful for what I DO have. I know there are people out there who have it way worse. But a part of me questions how I can truly be thankful when a part of me was taken away. How can I be thankful for something I DON'T have?
This time last year I was still the "innocent" girl who thought she was invincible. Who was so thankful for the life that she was carrying inside of her. It was just a week ago last year that I found out I was having a baby girl. A baby girl that I was suppose to care for, love, cherish and watch grow up.
I remember vividly being on Facebook and writing how thankful I was for what I had and was going to have. Little did I know that just 3 months later my life would turn completely upside down that all my hopes and dreams would be taken away from me.
If you haven't noticed already my heart is very heavy today. This was suppose to be our first thanksgiving with Alyssa. I still can't believe that she's not here. That I can't share her with the world. It's been over 9 months since we've said hello and goodbye all at the same time.
On the flip side there is a new tiny miracle growing inside me. This miracle is what's keeping me hopeful, he is helping me see that there is still beauty in life that while there may be storms that pass through our lives, there are also rainbows after that storm. I'll never forget the storm that passed because it devasted my entire life but seeing this rainbow eases the pain and makes me appreciate what I do have, right here, right now.
I'm sort of at a loss for words today but I wanted to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving. Hoping you are spending the day with the ones you love and even though you may be going through a rough time right now I hope you can find one thing that you are thankful for...There is so much beauty out there in the world.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
39% Viabitliy
I've just reached 24 weeks. In another life I would be ecstatic because that means that my baby just reached viability. That if for whatever reason this baby of mine decided to make its appearance in the world today it would have a 39% chance of survival.
While I know this IS a huge milestone in this journey of mine it still doesn't make me feel better knowing that Alyssa died at 32 weeks. Statistics state that at 32 weeks there is a 95% chance of survival. Bullshit.
I learned the hard way that statistics are just numbers. The only thing that will make me feel comfortable/relieved is when I get to hold this crying baby in my arms.
What I am comforted in knowing is that as I get through each week this baby is getting stronger and is getting ready to make its debut. Can the next 16 weeks just get here already?? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that this baby will be here.
These past 2 years have been such a long hard journey for me. It boggles my mind sometimes knowing that 14 out of the 24 months I've actually been pregnant. Yet no living baby to show for it.
I know what I signed up for...I know this road wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm really proud of how I've approached this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful and optimistic that this time everything will work out in the end. Of course I have my episodes where my mind gets the best of me, but I push those thoughts aside as easily as they come.
As I feel this baby kick more and more each day (and each day I feel they're getting stronger) I fall more deeply in love.
Marlon and I already say just how much he takes after his daddy with the way he kicks away till the wee hours of the morning. It's amazing how different he already is when I compare him to Alyssa. This baby cannot stop moving! I thought I knew his sleeping patterns but then I feel him ALOT. I feel like he barely gets any sleep. Yet with Alyssa, she was so chill, of course she moved alot too but she had a pattern, and I barely saw her move when I would go in for ultrasounds. I remember the tech having to shake my belly just to wake her up. With this baby, the tech couldn't keep up with his movements as he kept moving away from her =)
Anyways, I know I'm almost there...16 weeks really isn't that far from now and with the holidays coming up I'm sure the days will fly by. Not to mention when I start going in for my weekly ultrasounds. I'm sure I'll be writing much more when that happens.
While I know this IS a huge milestone in this journey of mine it still doesn't make me feel better knowing that Alyssa died at 32 weeks. Statistics state that at 32 weeks there is a 95% chance of survival. Bullshit.
I learned the hard way that statistics are just numbers. The only thing that will make me feel comfortable/relieved is when I get to hold this crying baby in my arms.
What I am comforted in knowing is that as I get through each week this baby is getting stronger and is getting ready to make its debut. Can the next 16 weeks just get here already?? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that this baby will be here.
These past 2 years have been such a long hard journey for me. It boggles my mind sometimes knowing that 14 out of the 24 months I've actually been pregnant. Yet no living baby to show for it.
I know what I signed up for...I know this road wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm really proud of how I've approached this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful and optimistic that this time everything will work out in the end. Of course I have my episodes where my mind gets the best of me, but I push those thoughts aside as easily as they come.
As I feel this baby kick more and more each day (and each day I feel they're getting stronger) I fall more deeply in love.
Marlon and I already say just how much he takes after his daddy with the way he kicks away till the wee hours of the morning. It's amazing how different he already is when I compare him to Alyssa. This baby cannot stop moving! I thought I knew his sleeping patterns but then I feel him ALOT. I feel like he barely gets any sleep. Yet with Alyssa, she was so chill, of course she moved alot too but she had a pattern, and I barely saw her move when I would go in for ultrasounds. I remember the tech having to shake my belly just to wake her up. With this baby, the tech couldn't keep up with his movements as he kept moving away from her =)
Anyways, I know I'm almost there...16 weeks really isn't that far from now and with the holidays coming up I'm sure the days will fly by. Not to mention when I start going in for my weekly ultrasounds. I'm sure I'll be writing much more when that happens.
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