October Update

I'm turning into a really bad blogger.  I apologize for that.  I don't know if this is a good sign that I don't need this outlet as much as I used to or if I'm just ignoring the grief I still have (will always have). 

Today is the last day of October...where has the month gone?  A part of me can't believe how fast this month has gone by and yet another part of me can't believe there is still 17 or so weeks to go before we welcome our new baby.  Most importantly I can't believe it's been over 8 months since Alyssa.  I feel like a completely different person now.  I don't know who I was before Alyssa, days after Alyssa, even a few months ago.  I feel like I'm continously changing as I try to find my "new normal". 

This past month has been a signifigant month for Marlon and I.  This was the month we found out whether we are having a girl or a boy.  I personally always knew deep down that I was having a girl based on the fact that I had the same symptoms (which was barely nothing).  Going in for our ultrasound was nerve wrecking.  I think anytime I go for an ultrasound I always get super nervous just for the simple fact that the Doctor may once again tell me that our baby has no heart beat. 

Anyways, the first part of the exam was uneventful, the tech was telling us all the different parts of the anatomy she was looking at which was all normal.  Halfway through she asked if we wanted to know the sex and we said yes.  It took less then 30 seconds for her to say that she knew what it was. 

It's a...................................BOY! (pics below just for proof!)

I was in complete shock.  I believe I had my mouth open and just stared at her in disbelief...A boy???  Really!?!?!  How could that be?  It was suppose to be a girl.  But then it hit me, no it's not suppose to be a girl...It was suppose to be Alyssa but it isn't and she's not coming back.

I looked at Marlon and the excitement that he had on his face really melted my heart and I knew that everything was going to be ok.  We're having a boy, and we are going to love this baby like no other.

In some ways I think it's a good thing that we're having a boy.  If we had another girl I may have put all my hopes and dreams I had for Alyssa into this new baby.  This gives me a clean slate, a fresh new start and I am looking forward to it. 

I'm not going to lie a part of me is still sad that it isn't a girl.  I keep thinking what if I never get a chance to have another girl again.  I guess that's really up to GOD.  I'm just grateful for what I do have and thank him every single day that he has blessed Marlon and I with another chance at a baby. 

I will be 23 weeks this week.  I'm feeling the baby kick more often, and the kicks are getting much stronger.  Marlon actually just felt him kick the other day which was nice.  This baby is so much more active then Alyssa was.  I am not sure if its because I'm having a boy or that's just his personality but it gives me great comfort feeling him kick.

This month we also met and had a consultation with a high risk doctor.  We now have an action plan for the rest of this pregnancy which also gives me some relief.  Starting at 28 weeks I will go for weekly ultrasounds to check the blood flow of the umbilical cord (make sure there is no clotting), as well as go in for Non Stress Tests twice a week. 

There is no estimated time of delivery yet but if all goes well we're looking at delivering at 38 or 39 weeks.  It's going to be a very hectic time for us once we hit 28 weeks but it's also comforting to know that we will be watched very closely. 

That's pretty much it!  I'm glad the holidays are coming up since I know time usually flies by.  I also know it's going to be bittersweet as this was suppose to Alyssa's first holiday with us.  I just hope she's watching over us and knows that her mommy and daddy are trying their very hardest to live their life and we do hope we make her proud.

 

Lastly I wanted to share a song with you that really hits home.  It's a Taylor Swift Song called "Ronan" and it's a true story about a 4 year old who died of cancer.  One might ask what can I possibly have in common with a boy who actually lived.  The fact is, this parent still had to mourn the loss of her child.  Below are the lyricsc that really hit home for me.  I've also shared the video as well.

I remember the drive home
When the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming why
Flowers pile up in the worst way
No one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died
And its about to be halloween
You could be anything
You wanted if you were still here

I remember the last day
When I kissed your face
And I whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room
And this hospital grey will just disappear