Full Circle

I wanted to dedicate this post to my daughter Alyssa who just celebrated her 1 year angelversary a few weeks ago on 2/20.

I was unable to write on that day as I was in the hospital recovering from the birth of her younger brother Camden.

The reason I am writing is because something happened that day that could only be a sign from my beautiful daughter. 

Each day I spent at the hospital my OB would come and visit to make sure I was healing OK.  Unfortunately my OB was going out of town the first night I was at the hospital.  She told me that other doctors would come in and check in on me to make sure I'm doing fine.

On the day of Alyssa's birthday one of the doctors came in to check in on me.  Who the doctor was completely took me by surprise.  Of all the doctors that came and visited and of all the days it was Dr. Massa the same Doctor who gave me the worst news of my life and the doctor who delivered by Alyssa. 

I couldn't believe it.  I had not heard or seen Dr. Massa since that dreadful day one year ago.  Yet, here she was coming into my room.  I don't think she realized who I was at first but as we started to talk I think she realized who we were.  I introduced her to our son Camden and thanked her for her comfort that day.  I also told her that it was Alyssa's birthday that very same day. 

I know some of you may not believe in signs but I do.  I'd like to think that Alyssa brought Dr. Massa over to see me to let me know that we will all be OK.  One whole year and I can honestly say that my life has come full circle.  I went from the darkest day of my life to feeling the most profound love a whole year later.

To all the BLM's out there who are new to this journey of grief, please don't lose hope.  I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever be able to bring a living baby home after the loss of Alyssa but here I am one year later as happy as I can be.  Be gentle on yourself, feel what you need to feel but never lose hope. 

Alyssa - Happy belated birthday by love.  I'm sorry it took so long to write this but I still think of you every single day.  My love for you only gets stronger.  Even more so now that I have your baby brother to care for.  I can't wait until he's older when I can start telling him about his big sister and how she has changed our lives for the good.  I know that you were only meant to be mine for a short time here on earth but you are and always will be my first born and my love for you has no measure.  Hope you had lots of birthday cake up there in heaven!

Camden Ari Ing

This is a long over due post and I apologize for the delay.

I have been adjusting to this new role of mine as well as recovering from my C-Section.

I would like to introduce to you our son Camden Ari Ing.  Camden was born on 2/18/2013 at 12:36 p.m. and weighed in at 6lbs 15 oz...he was 19 1/2 inches long.

I will save the birth story for another post but I did want to write how amazing it was to hear his first cries when the doctors pulled him out of me.  It was a sound so sweet and something I will always remember as it was a sound I never got to hear from Alyssa.

It's been almost 3 weeks now since Camden's birth and I am relishing this new role of mine of caring for a living child.  It's odd because I know that I am already a mother to my first born but this is different.  I am no longer caring for a child living in heaven, I actually have a child here on earth who needs me.  I look at him and overwhelming joy and love succombs me.  Is this what bearing a child is suppose to be like?  A part of me is saddened as I will never truly experience what "that feeling" is, as I will alway know what its like to have it taken away.

I look at Camden and I am in awe of what he has brought me and my family.  I wrote earlier how this child of mine needs me but it is I who needs him.  He brought me and my husband joy again, finally we have a child of our own here to care for...It has been a very long journey but it feels good to finally bring a baby home. 

I'll leave now with just a few photos of our son. 

Birthday Eve of our Rainbow Baby

It's been over 2 months since I last blogged. Where do I even begin.

I apologize for the lack of attention to this blog.  It's not for lack of thought of my little girl nor the lack of grieving.  A part of me just wanted to hide under a hole for the next few months until I got to the date where I knew things would be ok.

I am writing today of all days because tomorrow I will be giving birth to my rainbow baby.  There are so many emotions going through me and all equally the same.  Nervousness, excitement, petrified, grief, you name it I'm feeling it.

There is one thing I'd like to acknowledge is the fact that tomorrow is Presidents Day.  Last year Presidents Day I gave birth to my first child.  In some ways I feel I have come full circle in this funny thing called life.  Tomorrow was not suppose to be my induction date but fate stepped in and decided it needed it to be.  I'm gladly accepting this fact.

In one whole year I've went from hitting the lowest point in my life, a feeling that I never thought I'd come out of to sitting here today with an excitement of meeting this little guy growing inside of me.  He represents everything that I've been dreaming of my whole life.  He also represents the strength that both Marlon and I had throughout this journey.  It wasn't easy by all means but come tomorrow we will finally be able to see the fruits of our labor and cherish this gift that God has given us.

I've come to accept the fact that things happen for a reason.  As tragic and horrifing as losing a child is I honestly believe that God took Alyssa from me in order for me to be the person I am today.  What happend with Alyssa has paved the path I'm on.  If it weren't for Alyssa passing this little boy will not be here today nor would he be born tomorrow. 

The fact that something so precious and dear was taken from me, I am able to really accept this incredible gift  and cherish it for what it is.  I have so much more patience then I ever thought I could and I have this because I know that in any second it could be taken away from me so why sweat the small stuff.

All this was taught to me by my daughter who I never got to know and yet who has taught me more then anyone else.  I know that she's watching over me and my family today and I know she will be with us tomorrow as we welcome our son.  While I wish with all my might that she was here with us I know that she will be in spirit.     

While a part of me is excited for tomorrow there is another event looming around that's been on mind.  This coming Wednesday is Alyssa's birthday.  While I wanted to do something for her with Marlon, I unfortunately will be in the hospital recovering from my C-section.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her but I know that she is no longer here and she will never come back.  I've accepted that and have learned to cope with her being gone.  In some ways I think that's why I haven't written because I've learned to live my life without her.  I put her in a special place in my heart.  I often smile now when I think of her and that's something I never thought I'd be able to do. 

Alyssa - Has it really been one year already?  Where has time gone?  I felt like it was just yesterday when we were given the horrific news that your heart had suddenly stopped.  Your Daddy and I were in a state of shock as we wanted you more then anything.  Your passing hit us both hard but I also think that your passing really solidified our relationship and has made our relationship stronger than it's ever been. 

I know you're watching over us and helping us through this journey.  We will be welcoming your baby brother tomorrow.  We are beyond excited to welcome him but at the same time nostalgic that we were not able to give you the same welcome.  We know things happen for a reason and that one day it will be you who will welcome us home in heaven. 

Please continue to watch over us...Happy Birthday baby girl.  We love you so much!