written 7/1 (5weeks 3 days)
Well I've reached another week. I know it doesn't seem much but every day that I wake up and know that I'm still pregnant is a blessing to me. I sometimes I wonder if I really am pregnant since I don't really have strong symptoms but I know it's still early and it will probably get stronger in the weeks to come.
The few symptoms that I am having is constant urination, extreme fatigue, constant hunger and a growing waistline line. It's crazy how early I'm starting to show already. I mean I know it's only been 4 months since Alyssa which is causing my uterous to easily expand but come on it's not even 2 months yet! Oh well, I'm not going to complain about it...I'm just blessed to be given this miracle and I'm embracing all that comes with it.
With this growling waistline poses the question on when I will announce this pregnancy. Marlon and I are hesistant to announce so early...We want to wait until we at least see our Dr. to confirm this pregnancy h/ever it's getting very difficult to keep this secret. A part of me wants to scream to the world that it's happend, that Alyssa is going to be a big sister! This is especially true to the family and friends who have shared in this greiving process. I mean they have seen me at my worst and there's nothing more that I want to do then to let them know that there is a ray of light shining through in my life again. But a part of me will always have that fear whether or not this baby will actually make it. I fear that something bad will happen and I will lose another baby and I have to give people bad news once again.
I guess I just have to let things happen when they happen. At the end of the day Marlon and I are ok with telling our nearest and dearest. Afterall, it doesn't make a difference waiting till the second trimester when supposedly your chances of miscarrying drop dramatically and yet I lost Alyssa at 32 weeks, in her third trimester when supposedly she was in the clear.
Our first appointment with the Dr. is on 7/10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday it seems so long from now but it's really only a little over a week. I'm petrified with this appointment, mainly because I'm scared I'm going to hear those words again "I'm sorry but we can't find a heartbeat." I'm trying my hardest to think positive, that what happend with Alyssa was a freak accident, that there is no correlation with what happend to her and this new baby.
I wish to God that I was oblivious to all this...I want my innocence back and really enjoy this experience. Unfortunately I was one of the chosen few but I'll take it and make the most of it. I say that because I now know that this miracle that God gave me will not be taken for granted. I'm going to love this baby just as much as I loved Alyssa. I just wish that Alyssa was here to grow up with her little brother/sister. I'm also a realist and know that this baby wouldn't be here right now if Alyssa hadn't passed. This gift is bittersweet to say the least...I just hope it has a better ending then what happend with Alyssa.
I am only 5 and a half weeks into this pregnancy and I don't know where life will take me but I just hope that at the end of this journey I get to hear the sweet sounds of a baby crying!
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