Reflections

At one point Alyssa made me the happiest person in the entire world.  Finally!  I actually get to be a mother, and I'll be a damn good one too. That happiness is now gone and is replaced with a sadness that I would never wish upon anyone else.  It sometimes takes my breath away and I have to hold on for dear life just to make it through the day.  The happiest time in my life also turned out to be the worst.

Alyssa was so easy to care for that I felt confident every single day I was carrying her...I told myself "I got this...This pregnancy thing is a breeze!"  Who knew that meeting Alyssa for the first time was also the same time I had to learn to say goodbye.  My confidence has been replaced with a fear that's so indescribable that if it had a face, it would scare everyone half to death.  Life, took my smug attitude and showed me a thing or two...Never again will I have that confidence that nothing bad can happen to me, because it has and damn it fucking hurts.

Alyssa had her whole life planned out (by myself of course!), I often dreamt about her first play dates with baby Audrey and baby Aiden, her first birthday, first day of school, prom, her first boyfriend and first heartache, her wedding, and her future children.  That optimism has been shattered and is now replaced with me scratching and crawling just to make it through the day...It's sad to say but my dreams have succumbed to living day to day.

This is the new person that I have to get used to being.  I can never be the same person I was before Alyssa left.  My new normal consists of an empty hole in my heart... People may think that I'm doing well and some days I am, but they don't know that my insides are yearning for this child that I've lost, I will always yearn for my child that left much too soon.  My child that I'll never get to hold again, kiss again, hug again.  Instead of raising my child here on earth, I am missing my child living in heaven.