Final Moments

I've spent this past weekend letting the news of Alyssa's passing sink in.  The news that there was nothing genetically wrong with her, or nothing physically wrong with me.  It was just a stroke of bad luck that Alyssa's heart no longer beats.  Spending this time to myself is something I needed to do and I'm glad I gave myself this time to do so.   

I wonder what Alyssa's last thoughts were before she took her last breath.  Was she smiling at hearing the voice of her mommy as she told her daddy how happy she was that she can feel her daughter move inside her?  Was she sound asleep, completely content with the world as I rubbed my belly?  While I'll never know what she was doing or thinking during those final moments, I can at least say with certainty that Alyssa felt the unconditional love of her mother and for that I hope that she passed away happy. 

As I replay her final movements in my mind I can't help but wonder if she knew she wasn't going to make it, I'd like to think that she did know and that she wanted to make her prescence known by moving inside me, her way of saying goodbye if you will. 

Had I known that it was the last time I'd feel her move I would of talked to her till she took her last breath.  I would of told her how happy she made me, to thank her for showing me what unconditional love truly is.  I'd let her know that she would never be forgotten, that I will carry her memory with me for all the days of my life.  I hope that she knew no pain, that somehow someway I comforted her during her final hour. 

While I was not able to say the things I wanted to say to Alyssa before she died, I am glad I was able to do so after her birth.  It was a special moment, it was just the three of us, Marlon, Alyssa, and myself.  If no one new any better they would think that it was just a family having some quiet time with their newborn.  Little did they know that this time was our final time with our child.  That we were holding and talking to Alyssa for the very last time.  Any minute from now, we would have to give her back to the nurses and be taken away from us forever. 

Those final moments are extremely special for me.  It was the only alone time Marlon and I got to spend with her.  We had so many visitors when she was born, and I'm so grateful for the people who came to visit us that day.  She touched the hearts of so many and I am so glad I got to share them with our nearest and dearest.  But that final day is the day I will truly hold special.  The only time we got to spend as a family.  I'll never forget the look on Marlon's face as he stared down at his daughter with the look of pride.  I'll never forget the way he held her and kissed her soft, smooth forehead for the last time. 

Just like the Visa commercial:
Hospital Bill: 50K (thank God for insurance)
Funeral Arrangement: $500
Thank you Cards: $30
Those last moments, last touches, last words with Alyssa: Priceless

I'll end it here with a reading that I came across (I changed the name to Alyssa), it brings me peace everytime I read it:

"Born to Fly - An Infant's Journey to God"

A miracle has happened.
A life has begun.
"Are you there, God?"
"Yes, I am here, Alyssa," the Lord whispered
"Where am I?"
"You are in the womb of your mother," God smiled.
"Oh, What is that sound?" Alyssa asked.
"It is the voice of your mother, Alyssa. She is singing to you."
"It's beautiful."
"Yes. She loves you very much," God said.
"I feel warmth on my back," Alyssa whispered.
"Yes, she is rubbing her stomach, caressing you the best she can right now. She is speaking to me, Alyssa. She is asking me to care for you."
"I will kick her back, so she knows I love her, too," Alyssa said excitedly.
God smiled...

"Now what is she saying, God?"
"Your mother is laughing, Alyssa."
"She is happy, isn't she God?"
"Yes, Alyssa. She is happy."
"I hear a different sound, what is that?"
"It is the voice of your dad, Alyssa."
"He sounds strong," Alyssa said.
"Yes," answered God.
"Does he love me, too?"
"More than his own life," God whispered.
"When do I get to see him, God?"
"Not for a while, my child."

"I'm not feeling so well, God."
"I know my child, but soon you will fly."
"I will fly?"
"Yes," God smiled.
"Will my mother fly with me?"
"Someday," God said.
"I think I'm ready," Alyssa whispered.
"I know, my child."
"Is it time to fly now, God?"
"Yes," God said gently, and wiped his eyes.
"When will I see you, God?"
"Very soon, my child."

"Is that my mother and dad?"
"Yes, Alyssa," God said and pulled the child onto his lap.
"Why are they crying?"
"They cry for you, my child," God answered as He wrapped His arms around the girl.
"Why do they cry for me?" Alyssa asked.
"Because they want to hold you in their arms, Alyssa."
"But instead, You hold me in Your arms, huh, God?"
"Yes, child," God said.
"Why does that make them sad, God? I like it in Your arms!"
"They love you very much, Alyssa. It can make a mommy's and daddy's heart sad when they don't get to hold their children - I know how it feels to watch my child die."

"Have I died, God?"
"Just on earth, Alyssa."
"I don't feel dead, I feel very much alive! Watch how fast I can run!" Alyssa crawled down from God's lap.
"Yes, Alyssa, you are fast," God clapped.
"Now watch me fly!" Alyssa said as she soared high.
"You are amazing!" God laughed.
Alyssa settled back in the safety of God's arms and said,"When will my parents fly, God?"
"Someday, my child."
"Will we fly together?"
"Yes, Alyssa, my mark is on their foreheads."
"Good," Alyssa said. "Will you tell them I am safe and happy?"
"I will comfort them, my child."
"Will they be happy again?"
"Yes, child. They will heal."
"And someday we will get to be with you, huh, God?"
"Yes, Alyssa. Someday," God promised.
"I love you, God." Alyssa said as she snuggled close to God.
"I love you too, child," God said as he put His hand on Alyssa's head.
"Take good care of my parents until they fly!" Alyssa said.
"I promise," God whispered.