I wanted to dedicate this post to my daughter Alyssa who just celebrated her 1 year angelversary a few weeks ago on 2/20.
I was unable to write on that day as I was in the hospital recovering from the birth of her younger brother Camden.
The reason I am writing is because something happened that day that could only be a sign from my beautiful daughter.
Each day I spent at the hospital my OB would come and visit to make sure I was healing OK. Unfortunately my OB was going out of town the first night I was at the hospital. She told me that other doctors would come in and check in on me to make sure I'm doing fine.
On the day of Alyssa's birthday one of the doctors came in to check in on me. Who the doctor was completely took me by surprise. Of all the doctors that came and visited and of all the days it was Dr. Massa the same Doctor who gave me the worst news of my life and the doctor who delivered by Alyssa.
I couldn't believe it. I had not heard or seen Dr. Massa since that dreadful day one year ago. Yet, here she was coming into my room. I don't think she realized who I was at first but as we started to talk I think she realized who we were. I introduced her to our son Camden and thanked her for her comfort that day. I also told her that it was Alyssa's birthday that very same day.
I know some of you may not believe in signs but I do. I'd like to think that Alyssa brought Dr. Massa over to see me to let me know that we will all be OK. One whole year and I can honestly say that my life has come full circle. I went from the darkest day of my life to feeling the most profound love a whole year later.
To all the BLM's out there who are new to this journey of grief, please don't lose hope. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever be able to bring a living baby home after the loss of Alyssa but here I am one year later as happy as I can be. Be gentle on yourself, feel what you need to feel but never lose hope.
Alyssa - Happy belated birthday by love. I'm sorry it took so long to write this but I still think of you every single day. My love for you only gets stronger. Even more so now that I have your baby brother to care for. I can't wait until he's older when I can start telling him about his big sister and how she has changed our lives for the good. I know that you were only meant to be mine for a short time here on earth but you are and always will be my first born and my love for you has no measure. Hope you had lots of birthday cake up there in heaven!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Camden Ari Ing
This is a long over due post and I apologize for the delay.
I have been adjusting to this new role of mine as well as recovering from my C-Section.
I would like to introduce to you our son Camden Ari Ing. Camden was born on 2/18/2013 at 12:36 p.m. and weighed in at 6lbs 15 oz...he was 19 1/2 inches long.
I will save the birth story for another post but I did want to write how amazing it was to hear his first cries when the doctors pulled him out of me. It was a sound so sweet and something I will always remember as it was a sound I never got to hear from Alyssa.
It's been almost 3 weeks now since Camden's birth and I am relishing this new role of mine of caring for a living child. It's odd because I know that I am already a mother to my first born but this is different. I am no longer caring for a child living in heaven, I actually have a child here on earth who needs me. I look at him and overwhelming joy and love succombs me. Is this what bearing a child is suppose to be like? A part of me is saddened as I will never truly experience what "that feeling" is, as I will alway know what its like to have it taken away.
I look at Camden and I am in awe of what he has brought me and my family. I wrote earlier how this child of mine needs me but it is I who needs him. He brought me and my husband joy again, finally we have a child of our own here to care for...It has been a very long journey but it feels good to finally bring a baby home.
I'll leave now with just a few photos of our son.
I have been adjusting to this new role of mine as well as recovering from my C-Section.
I would like to introduce to you our son Camden Ari Ing. Camden was born on 2/18/2013 at 12:36 p.m. and weighed in at 6lbs 15 oz...he was 19 1/2 inches long.
I will save the birth story for another post but I did want to write how amazing it was to hear his first cries when the doctors pulled him out of me. It was a sound so sweet and something I will always remember as it was a sound I never got to hear from Alyssa.
It's been almost 3 weeks now since Camden's birth and I am relishing this new role of mine of caring for a living child. It's odd because I know that I am already a mother to my first born but this is different. I am no longer caring for a child living in heaven, I actually have a child here on earth who needs me. I look at him and overwhelming joy and love succombs me. Is this what bearing a child is suppose to be like? A part of me is saddened as I will never truly experience what "that feeling" is, as I will alway know what its like to have it taken away.
I look at Camden and I am in awe of what he has brought me and my family. I wrote earlier how this child of mine needs me but it is I who needs him. He brought me and my husband joy again, finally we have a child of our own here to care for...It has been a very long journey but it feels good to finally bring a baby home.
I'll leave now with just a few photos of our son.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Birthday Eve of our Rainbow Baby
It's been over 2 months since I last blogged. Where do I even begin.
I apologize for the lack of attention to this blog. It's not for lack of thought of my little girl nor the lack of grieving. A part of me just wanted to hide under a hole for the next few months until I got to the date where I knew things would be ok.
I am writing today of all days because tomorrow I will be giving birth to my rainbow baby. There are so many emotions going through me and all equally the same. Nervousness, excitement, petrified, grief, you name it I'm feeling it.
There is one thing I'd like to acknowledge is the fact that tomorrow is Presidents Day. Last year Presidents Day I gave birth to my first child. In some ways I feel I have come full circle in this funny thing called life. Tomorrow was not suppose to be my induction date but fate stepped in and decided it needed it to be. I'm gladly accepting this fact.
In one whole year I've went from hitting the lowest point in my life, a feeling that I never thought I'd come out of to sitting here today with an excitement of meeting this little guy growing inside of me. He represents everything that I've been dreaming of my whole life. He also represents the strength that both Marlon and I had throughout this journey. It wasn't easy by all means but come tomorrow we will finally be able to see the fruits of our labor and cherish this gift that God has given us.
I've come to accept the fact that things happen for a reason. As tragic and horrifing as losing a child is I honestly believe that God took Alyssa from me in order for me to be the person I am today. What happend with Alyssa has paved the path I'm on. If it weren't for Alyssa passing this little boy will not be here today nor would he be born tomorrow.
The fact that something so precious and dear was taken from me, I am able to really accept this incredible gift and cherish it for what it is. I have so much more patience then I ever thought I could and I have this because I know that in any second it could be taken away from me so why sweat the small stuff.
All this was taught to me by my daughter who I never got to know and yet who has taught me more then anyone else. I know that she's watching over me and my family today and I know she will be with us tomorrow as we welcome our son. While I wish with all my might that she was here with us I know that she will be in spirit.
While a part of me is excited for tomorrow there is another event looming around that's been on mind. This coming Wednesday is Alyssa's birthday. While I wanted to do something for her with Marlon, I unfortunately will be in the hospital recovering from my C-section.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her but I know that she is no longer here and she will never come back. I've accepted that and have learned to cope with her being gone. In some ways I think that's why I haven't written because I've learned to live my life without her. I put her in a special place in my heart. I often smile now when I think of her and that's something I never thought I'd be able to do.
Alyssa - Has it really been one year already? Where has time gone? I felt like it was just yesterday when we were given the horrific news that your heart had suddenly stopped. Your Daddy and I were in a state of shock as we wanted you more then anything. Your passing hit us both hard but I also think that your passing really solidified our relationship and has made our relationship stronger than it's ever been.
I know you're watching over us and helping us through this journey. We will be welcoming your baby brother tomorrow. We are beyond excited to welcome him but at the same time nostalgic that we were not able to give you the same welcome. We know things happen for a reason and that one day it will be you who will welcome us home in heaven.
Please continue to watch over us...Happy Birthday baby girl. We love you so much!
I apologize for the lack of attention to this blog. It's not for lack of thought of my little girl nor the lack of grieving. A part of me just wanted to hide under a hole for the next few months until I got to the date where I knew things would be ok.
I am writing today of all days because tomorrow I will be giving birth to my rainbow baby. There are so many emotions going through me and all equally the same. Nervousness, excitement, petrified, grief, you name it I'm feeling it.
There is one thing I'd like to acknowledge is the fact that tomorrow is Presidents Day. Last year Presidents Day I gave birth to my first child. In some ways I feel I have come full circle in this funny thing called life. Tomorrow was not suppose to be my induction date but fate stepped in and decided it needed it to be. I'm gladly accepting this fact.
In one whole year I've went from hitting the lowest point in my life, a feeling that I never thought I'd come out of to sitting here today with an excitement of meeting this little guy growing inside of me. He represents everything that I've been dreaming of my whole life. He also represents the strength that both Marlon and I had throughout this journey. It wasn't easy by all means but come tomorrow we will finally be able to see the fruits of our labor and cherish this gift that God has given us.
I've come to accept the fact that things happen for a reason. As tragic and horrifing as losing a child is I honestly believe that God took Alyssa from me in order for me to be the person I am today. What happend with Alyssa has paved the path I'm on. If it weren't for Alyssa passing this little boy will not be here today nor would he be born tomorrow.
The fact that something so precious and dear was taken from me, I am able to really accept this incredible gift and cherish it for what it is. I have so much more patience then I ever thought I could and I have this because I know that in any second it could be taken away from me so why sweat the small stuff.
All this was taught to me by my daughter who I never got to know and yet who has taught me more then anyone else. I know that she's watching over me and my family today and I know she will be with us tomorrow as we welcome our son. While I wish with all my might that she was here with us I know that she will be in spirit.
While a part of me is excited for tomorrow there is another event looming around that's been on mind. This coming Wednesday is Alyssa's birthday. While I wanted to do something for her with Marlon, I unfortunately will be in the hospital recovering from my C-section.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her but I know that she is no longer here and she will never come back. I've accepted that and have learned to cope with her being gone. In some ways I think that's why I haven't written because I've learned to live my life without her. I put her in a special place in my heart. I often smile now when I think of her and that's something I never thought I'd be able to do.
Alyssa - Has it really been one year already? Where has time gone? I felt like it was just yesterday when we were given the horrific news that your heart had suddenly stopped. Your Daddy and I were in a state of shock as we wanted you more then anything. Your passing hit us both hard but I also think that your passing really solidified our relationship and has made our relationship stronger than it's ever been.
I know you're watching over us and helping us through this journey. We will be welcoming your baby brother tomorrow. We are beyond excited to welcome him but at the same time nostalgic that we were not able to give you the same welcome. We know things happen for a reason and that one day it will be you who will welcome us home in heaven.
Please continue to watch over us...Happy Birthday baby girl. We love you so much!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
A Time to Reflect
Today is suppose to be a day of thanks and I am very thankful for what I DO have. I know there are people out there who have it way worse. But a part of me questions how I can truly be thankful when a part of me was taken away. How can I be thankful for something I DON'T have?
This time last year I was still the "innocent" girl who thought she was invincible. Who was so thankful for the life that she was carrying inside of her. It was just a week ago last year that I found out I was having a baby girl. A baby girl that I was suppose to care for, love, cherish and watch grow up.
I remember vividly being on Facebook and writing how thankful I was for what I had and was going to have. Little did I know that just 3 months later my life would turn completely upside down that all my hopes and dreams would be taken away from me.
If you haven't noticed already my heart is very heavy today. This was suppose to be our first thanksgiving with Alyssa. I still can't believe that she's not here. That I can't share her with the world. It's been over 9 months since we've said hello and goodbye all at the same time.
On the flip side there is a new tiny miracle growing inside me. This miracle is what's keeping me hopeful, he is helping me see that there is still beauty in life that while there may be storms that pass through our lives, there are also rainbows after that storm. I'll never forget the storm that passed because it devasted my entire life but seeing this rainbow eases the pain and makes me appreciate what I do have, right here, right now.
I'm sort of at a loss for words today but I wanted to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving. Hoping you are spending the day with the ones you love and even though you may be going through a rough time right now I hope you can find one thing that you are thankful for...There is so much beauty out there in the world.
This time last year I was still the "innocent" girl who thought she was invincible. Who was so thankful for the life that she was carrying inside of her. It was just a week ago last year that I found out I was having a baby girl. A baby girl that I was suppose to care for, love, cherish and watch grow up.
I remember vividly being on Facebook and writing how thankful I was for what I had and was going to have. Little did I know that just 3 months later my life would turn completely upside down that all my hopes and dreams would be taken away from me.
If you haven't noticed already my heart is very heavy today. This was suppose to be our first thanksgiving with Alyssa. I still can't believe that she's not here. That I can't share her with the world. It's been over 9 months since we've said hello and goodbye all at the same time.
On the flip side there is a new tiny miracle growing inside me. This miracle is what's keeping me hopeful, he is helping me see that there is still beauty in life that while there may be storms that pass through our lives, there are also rainbows after that storm. I'll never forget the storm that passed because it devasted my entire life but seeing this rainbow eases the pain and makes me appreciate what I do have, right here, right now.
I'm sort of at a loss for words today but I wanted to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving. Hoping you are spending the day with the ones you love and even though you may be going through a rough time right now I hope you can find one thing that you are thankful for...There is so much beauty out there in the world.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
39% Viabitliy
I've just reached 24 weeks. In another life I would be ecstatic because that means that my baby just reached viability. That if for whatever reason this baby of mine decided to make its appearance in the world today it would have a 39% chance of survival.
While I know this IS a huge milestone in this journey of mine it still doesn't make me feel better knowing that Alyssa died at 32 weeks. Statistics state that at 32 weeks there is a 95% chance of survival. Bullshit.
I learned the hard way that statistics are just numbers. The only thing that will make me feel comfortable/relieved is when I get to hold this crying baby in my arms.
What I am comforted in knowing is that as I get through each week this baby is getting stronger and is getting ready to make its debut. Can the next 16 weeks just get here already?? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that this baby will be here.
These past 2 years have been such a long hard journey for me. It boggles my mind sometimes knowing that 14 out of the 24 months I've actually been pregnant. Yet no living baby to show for it.
I know what I signed up for...I know this road wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm really proud of how I've approached this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful and optimistic that this time everything will work out in the end. Of course I have my episodes where my mind gets the best of me, but I push those thoughts aside as easily as they come.
As I feel this baby kick more and more each day (and each day I feel they're getting stronger) I fall more deeply in love.
Marlon and I already say just how much he takes after his daddy with the way he kicks away till the wee hours of the morning. It's amazing how different he already is when I compare him to Alyssa. This baby cannot stop moving! I thought I knew his sleeping patterns but then I feel him ALOT. I feel like he barely gets any sleep. Yet with Alyssa, she was so chill, of course she moved alot too but she had a pattern, and I barely saw her move when I would go in for ultrasounds. I remember the tech having to shake my belly just to wake her up. With this baby, the tech couldn't keep up with his movements as he kept moving away from her =)
Anyways, I know I'm almost there...16 weeks really isn't that far from now and with the holidays coming up I'm sure the days will fly by. Not to mention when I start going in for my weekly ultrasounds. I'm sure I'll be writing much more when that happens.
While I know this IS a huge milestone in this journey of mine it still doesn't make me feel better knowing that Alyssa died at 32 weeks. Statistics state that at 32 weeks there is a 95% chance of survival. Bullshit.
I learned the hard way that statistics are just numbers. The only thing that will make me feel comfortable/relieved is when I get to hold this crying baby in my arms.
What I am comforted in knowing is that as I get through each week this baby is getting stronger and is getting ready to make its debut. Can the next 16 weeks just get here already?? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that this baby will be here.
These past 2 years have been such a long hard journey for me. It boggles my mind sometimes knowing that 14 out of the 24 months I've actually been pregnant. Yet no living baby to show for it.
I know what I signed up for...I know this road wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm really proud of how I've approached this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful and optimistic that this time everything will work out in the end. Of course I have my episodes where my mind gets the best of me, but I push those thoughts aside as easily as they come.
As I feel this baby kick more and more each day (and each day I feel they're getting stronger) I fall more deeply in love.
Marlon and I already say just how much he takes after his daddy with the way he kicks away till the wee hours of the morning. It's amazing how different he already is when I compare him to Alyssa. This baby cannot stop moving! I thought I knew his sleeping patterns but then I feel him ALOT. I feel like he barely gets any sleep. Yet with Alyssa, she was so chill, of course she moved alot too but she had a pattern, and I barely saw her move when I would go in for ultrasounds. I remember the tech having to shake my belly just to wake her up. With this baby, the tech couldn't keep up with his movements as he kept moving away from her =)
Anyways, I know I'm almost there...16 weeks really isn't that far from now and with the holidays coming up I'm sure the days will fly by. Not to mention when I start going in for my weekly ultrasounds. I'm sure I'll be writing much more when that happens.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
October Update
I'm turning into a really bad blogger. I apologize for that. I don't know if this is a good sign that I don't need this outlet as much as I used to or if I'm just ignoring the grief I still have (will always have).
Today is the last day of October...where has the month gone? A part of me can't believe how fast this month has gone by and yet another part of me can't believe there is still 17 or so weeks to go before we welcome our new baby. Most importantly I can't believe it's been over 8 months since Alyssa. I feel like a completely different person now. I don't know who I was before Alyssa, days after Alyssa, even a few months ago. I feel like I'm continously changing as I try to find my "new normal".
This past month has been a signifigant month for Marlon and I. This was the month we found out whether we are having a girl or a boy. I personally always knew deep down that I was having a girl based on the fact that I had the same symptoms (which was barely nothing). Going in for our ultrasound was nerve wrecking. I think anytime I go for an ultrasound I always get super nervous just for the simple fact that the Doctor may once again tell me that our baby has no heart beat.
Anyways, the first part of the exam was uneventful, the tech was telling us all the different parts of the anatomy she was looking at which was all normal. Halfway through she asked if we wanted to know the sex and we said yes. It took less then 30 seconds for her to say that she knew what it was.
It's a...................................BOY! (pics below just for proof!)
I was in complete shock. I believe I had my mouth open and just stared at her in disbelief...A boy??? Really!?!?! How could that be? It was suppose to be a girl. But then it hit me, no it's not suppose to be a girl...It was suppose to be Alyssa but it isn't and she's not coming back.
I looked at Marlon and the excitement that he had on his face really melted my heart and I knew that everything was going to be ok. We're having a boy, and we are going to love this baby like no other.
In some ways I think it's a good thing that we're having a boy. If we had another girl I may have put all my hopes and dreams I had for Alyssa into this new baby. This gives me a clean slate, a fresh new start and I am looking forward to it.
I'm not going to lie a part of me is still sad that it isn't a girl. I keep thinking what if I never get a chance to have another girl again. I guess that's really up to GOD. I'm just grateful for what I do have and thank him every single day that he has blessed Marlon and I with another chance at a baby.
I will be 23 weeks this week. I'm feeling the baby kick more often, and the kicks are getting much stronger. Marlon actually just felt him kick the other day which was nice. This baby is so much more active then Alyssa was. I am not sure if its because I'm having a boy or that's just his personality but it gives me great comfort feeling him kick.
This month we also met and had a consultation with a high risk doctor. We now have an action plan for the rest of this pregnancy which also gives me some relief. Starting at 28 weeks I will go for weekly ultrasounds to check the blood flow of the umbilical cord (make sure there is no clotting), as well as go in for Non Stress Tests twice a week.
There is no estimated time of delivery yet but if all goes well we're looking at delivering at 38 or 39 weeks. It's going to be a very hectic time for us once we hit 28 weeks but it's also comforting to know that we will be watched very closely.
That's pretty much it! I'm glad the holidays are coming up since I know time usually flies by. I also know it's going to be bittersweet as this was suppose to Alyssa's first holiday with us. I just hope she's watching over us and knows that her mommy and daddy are trying their very hardest to live their life and we do hope we make her proud.
Lastly I wanted to share a song with you that really hits home. It's a Taylor Swift Song called "Ronan" and it's a true story about a 4 year old who died of cancer. One might ask what can I possibly have in common with a boy who actually lived. The fact is, this parent still had to mourn the loss of her child. Below are the lyricsc that really hit home for me. I've also shared the video as well.
I remember the drive home
When the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming why
Flowers pile up in the worst way
No one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died
And its about to be halloween
You could be anything
You wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day
When I kissed your face
And I whispered in your ear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room
And this hospital grey will just disappear
Today is the last day of October...where has the month gone? A part of me can't believe how fast this month has gone by and yet another part of me can't believe there is still 17 or so weeks to go before we welcome our new baby. Most importantly I can't believe it's been over 8 months since Alyssa. I feel like a completely different person now. I don't know who I was before Alyssa, days after Alyssa, even a few months ago. I feel like I'm continously changing as I try to find my "new normal".
This past month has been a signifigant month for Marlon and I. This was the month we found out whether we are having a girl or a boy. I personally always knew deep down that I was having a girl based on the fact that I had the same symptoms (which was barely nothing). Going in for our ultrasound was nerve wrecking. I think anytime I go for an ultrasound I always get super nervous just for the simple fact that the Doctor may once again tell me that our baby has no heart beat.
Anyways, the first part of the exam was uneventful, the tech was telling us all the different parts of the anatomy she was looking at which was all normal. Halfway through she asked if we wanted to know the sex and we said yes. It took less then 30 seconds for her to say that she knew what it was.
It's a...................................BOY! (pics below just for proof!)
I was in complete shock. I believe I had my mouth open and just stared at her in disbelief...A boy??? Really!?!?! How could that be? It was suppose to be a girl. But then it hit me, no it's not suppose to be a girl...It was suppose to be Alyssa but it isn't and she's not coming back.
I looked at Marlon and the excitement that he had on his face really melted my heart and I knew that everything was going to be ok. We're having a boy, and we are going to love this baby like no other.
In some ways I think it's a good thing that we're having a boy. If we had another girl I may have put all my hopes and dreams I had for Alyssa into this new baby. This gives me a clean slate, a fresh new start and I am looking forward to it.
I'm not going to lie a part of me is still sad that it isn't a girl. I keep thinking what if I never get a chance to have another girl again. I guess that's really up to GOD. I'm just grateful for what I do have and thank him every single day that he has blessed Marlon and I with another chance at a baby.
I will be 23 weeks this week. I'm feeling the baby kick more often, and the kicks are getting much stronger. Marlon actually just felt him kick the other day which was nice. This baby is so much more active then Alyssa was. I am not sure if its because I'm having a boy or that's just his personality but it gives me great comfort feeling him kick.
This month we also met and had a consultation with a high risk doctor. We now have an action plan for the rest of this pregnancy which also gives me some relief. Starting at 28 weeks I will go for weekly ultrasounds to check the blood flow of the umbilical cord (make sure there is no clotting), as well as go in for Non Stress Tests twice a week.
There is no estimated time of delivery yet but if all goes well we're looking at delivering at 38 or 39 weeks. It's going to be a very hectic time for us once we hit 28 weeks but it's also comforting to know that we will be watched very closely.
That's pretty much it! I'm glad the holidays are coming up since I know time usually flies by. I also know it's going to be bittersweet as this was suppose to Alyssa's first holiday with us. I just hope she's watching over us and knows that her mommy and daddy are trying their very hardest to live their life and we do hope we make her proud.
I remember the drive home
When the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming why
Flowers pile up in the worst way
No one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died
And its about to be halloween
You could be anything
You wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day
When I kissed your face
And I whispered in your ear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room
And this hospital grey will just disappear
Sunday, September 30, 2012
September In A Nut Shell
It's been over a month since I last blogged. It's not because I no longer need this outlet and it's not because this new life I'm creating has taken over my grief. The main reason why I haven't written is because every time I do write, I find myself feeling down and depressed.
After Alyssa passed I told myself that if I were to ever get pregnant again that I would try to be the happiest, stress free person that I can be. I don't want this new baby to feel anything but love and happiness.
I still think about Alyssa every day...that's crazy right?!? To think about someone every single day without seeing them this whole time. The reason I'm writing today is because it's the last day of September and I wanted to document everything that's happened this month.
The first was celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's already been two years. I've been with Marlon a total of 10 years now and I really couldn't be any happier. I found a man who I know will literally be there for me through thick and thin. When I was at the lowest point in my life he picked me up and carried me through that dark time. I didn't think I'd ever get to see happiness again, let alone smile again. He doesn't even need to say a word, but just knowing that he's there for me is a comfort in itself. We are the epitome of "through thick and thin" I know we've already hit our lowest point (knock on wood), I just hope we get to enjoy the highest point in our lives soon. Anyways, we celebrated this year by having a lovely dinner.
The second milestone was celebrating my 32nd birthday. It was super low key...It first started off by having a surprise lunch thrown by my friends at work. We ate at this very delicious fried chicken joint. Then the day before my birthday I had lunch with the family and then had dinner with my friends the day of. It was nice to be able to see everyone and was so happy that I was able to celebrate it with the people I love.
It's so hard to imagine that a year ago I was pregnant with Alyssa and I just couldn't wait to celebrate these exact two milestones with her. It's still so hard to accept sometimes. I also know however that this new baby wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Alyssa and for that I am finding a new hopefulness and a new kind of joy.
This month is also a break through month for me. Usually when I see people I don't know and they ask me if I have any children I would say no for the fact that I didn't want to have to get into my whole history plus the fact that I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. Yet, two times this month I have been able to tell people that this is my second child and that my first unfortunately passed away. I myself am comfortable saying it but I do know that this statement makes people feel uncomfortable. In the end I'm just happy that I'm able to acknowledge that Alyssa did exist without feeling like I'm going to break down and cry.
Another thing that I've been trying my hardest to do (as I stated earlier in this post) is to have a stress free pregnancy. I am the type of person who is very emotional and sensitive. I take what people say to literal and care too much about what people think. I wasn't too good at it being pregnant with Alyssa so I made a vow that I will do what ever I can to avoid it this time around. So, if that means that I need to avoid certain people or situations I will for the sake of this baby.
I may seem like I'm completely back to my old self, that because I'm laughing, smiling, and enjoying this pregnancy that I am done grieving. That is so far from the truth. I grieve every single day. I miss Alyssa with all my heart and soul and would honestly give up my own life if I could have saved hers. I don't expect people to understand because I know that they can't unless they've walked in my shoes. There is no formula for grieving a child, I just go with the flow and hope that each day I've made the best possible decisions in my life. I know I'm not perfect and I know I may hurt some feelings along the way but I'm really trying my best to be optimistic instead of diving deep into this black hole in my heart.
I'm grateful for my family for being there for me, we may not have the perfect relationship all the time but I honestly couldn't of asked for better people in my life.
I am grateful for my friends who have been through hell and back with me. For letting me cry, bitch, worry about anything and everything. They don't judge me and they accept me for who I am.
Well that's September in a nutshell. I know it's a jumble of all kinds of things but that's what happens when I don't write for an entire month.
A quick update - Baby Ing is doing wonderful! We've gotten all of the genetics test back and all has come back negative. I am starting to feel the baby kick though it's few and far between right now.
October is going to be an exiciting month as Marlon and I get to find out what we're having! The announcement may come later in the month as I want to make sure friends and family know from us first instead of finding out on this blog. Hope you understand!
After Alyssa passed I told myself that if I were to ever get pregnant again that I would try to be the happiest, stress free person that I can be. I don't want this new baby to feel anything but love and happiness.
I still think about Alyssa every day...that's crazy right?!? To think about someone every single day without seeing them this whole time. The reason I'm writing today is because it's the last day of September and I wanted to document everything that's happened this month.
The first was celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's already been two years. I've been with Marlon a total of 10 years now and I really couldn't be any happier. I found a man who I know will literally be there for me through thick and thin. When I was at the lowest point in my life he picked me up and carried me through that dark time. I didn't think I'd ever get to see happiness again, let alone smile again. He doesn't even need to say a word, but just knowing that he's there for me is a comfort in itself. We are the epitome of "through thick and thin" I know we've already hit our lowest point (knock on wood), I just hope we get to enjoy the highest point in our lives soon. Anyways, we celebrated this year by having a lovely dinner.
The second milestone was celebrating my 32nd birthday. It was super low key...It first started off by having a surprise lunch thrown by my friends at work. We ate at this very delicious fried chicken joint. Then the day before my birthday I had lunch with the family and then had dinner with my friends the day of. It was nice to be able to see everyone and was so happy that I was able to celebrate it with the people I love.
It's so hard to imagine that a year ago I was pregnant with Alyssa and I just couldn't wait to celebrate these exact two milestones with her. It's still so hard to accept sometimes. I also know however that this new baby wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Alyssa and for that I am finding a new hopefulness and a new kind of joy.
This month is also a break through month for me. Usually when I see people I don't know and they ask me if I have any children I would say no for the fact that I didn't want to have to get into my whole history plus the fact that I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. Yet, two times this month I have been able to tell people that this is my second child and that my first unfortunately passed away. I myself am comfortable saying it but I do know that this statement makes people feel uncomfortable. In the end I'm just happy that I'm able to acknowledge that Alyssa did exist without feeling like I'm going to break down and cry.
Another thing that I've been trying my hardest to do (as I stated earlier in this post) is to have a stress free pregnancy. I am the type of person who is very emotional and sensitive. I take what people say to literal and care too much about what people think. I wasn't too good at it being pregnant with Alyssa so I made a vow that I will do what ever I can to avoid it this time around. So, if that means that I need to avoid certain people or situations I will for the sake of this baby.
I may seem like I'm completely back to my old self, that because I'm laughing, smiling, and enjoying this pregnancy that I am done grieving. That is so far from the truth. I grieve every single day. I miss Alyssa with all my heart and soul and would honestly give up my own life if I could have saved hers. I don't expect people to understand because I know that they can't unless they've walked in my shoes. There is no formula for grieving a child, I just go with the flow and hope that each day I've made the best possible decisions in my life. I know I'm not perfect and I know I may hurt some feelings along the way but I'm really trying my best to be optimistic instead of diving deep into this black hole in my heart.
I'm grateful for my family for being there for me, we may not have the perfect relationship all the time but I honestly couldn't of asked for better people in my life.
I am grateful for my friends who have been through hell and back with me. For letting me cry, bitch, worry about anything and everything. They don't judge me and they accept me for who I am.
Well that's September in a nutshell. I know it's a jumble of all kinds of things but that's what happens when I don't write for an entire month.
A quick update - Baby Ing is doing wonderful! We've gotten all of the genetics test back and all has come back negative. I am starting to feel the baby kick though it's few and far between right now.
October is going to be an exiciting month as Marlon and I get to find out what we're having! The announcement may come later in the month as I want to make sure friends and family know from us first instead of finding out on this blog. Hope you understand!
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