I wanted to dedicate this post to my daughter Alyssa who just celebrated her 1 year angelversary a few weeks ago on 2/20.
I was unable to write on that day as I was in the hospital recovering from the birth of her younger brother Camden.
The reason I am writing is because something happened that day that could only be a sign from my beautiful daughter.
Each day I spent at the hospital my OB would come and visit to make sure I was healing OK. Unfortunately my OB was going out of town the first night I was at the hospital. She told me that other doctors would come in and check in on me to make sure I'm doing fine.
On the day of Alyssa's birthday one of the doctors came in to check in on me. Who the doctor was completely took me by surprise. Of all the doctors that came and visited and of all the days it was Dr. Massa the same Doctor who gave me the worst news of my life and the doctor who delivered by Alyssa.
I couldn't believe it. I had not heard or seen Dr. Massa since that dreadful day one year ago. Yet, here she was coming into my room. I don't think she realized who I was at first but as we started to talk I think she realized who we were. I introduced her to our son Camden and thanked her for her comfort that day. I also told her that it was Alyssa's birthday that very same day.
I know some of you may not believe in signs but I do. I'd like to think that Alyssa brought Dr. Massa over to see me to let me know that we will all be OK. One whole year and I can honestly say that my life has come full circle. I went from the darkest day of my life to feeling the most profound love a whole year later.
To all the BLM's out there who are new to this journey of grief, please don't lose hope. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever be able to bring a living baby home after the loss of Alyssa but here I am one year later as happy as I can be. Be gentle on yourself, feel what you need to feel but never lose hope.
Alyssa - Happy belated birthday by love. I'm sorry it took so long to write this but I still think of you every single day. My love for you only gets stronger. Even more so now that I have your baby brother to care for. I can't wait until he's older when I can start telling him about his big sister and how she has changed our lives for the good. I know that you were only meant to be mine for a short time here on earth but you are and always will be my first born and my love for you has no measure. Hope you had lots of birthday cake up there in heaven!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Camden Ari Ing
This is a long over due post and I apologize for the delay.
I have been adjusting to this new role of mine as well as recovering from my C-Section.
I would like to introduce to you our son Camden Ari Ing. Camden was born on 2/18/2013 at 12:36 p.m. and weighed in at 6lbs 15 oz...he was 19 1/2 inches long.
I will save the birth story for another post but I did want to write how amazing it was to hear his first cries when the doctors pulled him out of me. It was a sound so sweet and something I will always remember as it was a sound I never got to hear from Alyssa.
It's been almost 3 weeks now since Camden's birth and I am relishing this new role of mine of caring for a living child. It's odd because I know that I am already a mother to my first born but this is different. I am no longer caring for a child living in heaven, I actually have a child here on earth who needs me. I look at him and overwhelming joy and love succombs me. Is this what bearing a child is suppose to be like? A part of me is saddened as I will never truly experience what "that feeling" is, as I will alway know what its like to have it taken away.
I look at Camden and I am in awe of what he has brought me and my family. I wrote earlier how this child of mine needs me but it is I who needs him. He brought me and my husband joy again, finally we have a child of our own here to care for...It has been a very long journey but it feels good to finally bring a baby home.
I'll leave now with just a few photos of our son.
I have been adjusting to this new role of mine as well as recovering from my C-Section.
I would like to introduce to you our son Camden Ari Ing. Camden was born on 2/18/2013 at 12:36 p.m. and weighed in at 6lbs 15 oz...he was 19 1/2 inches long.
I will save the birth story for another post but I did want to write how amazing it was to hear his first cries when the doctors pulled him out of me. It was a sound so sweet and something I will always remember as it was a sound I never got to hear from Alyssa.
It's been almost 3 weeks now since Camden's birth and I am relishing this new role of mine of caring for a living child. It's odd because I know that I am already a mother to my first born but this is different. I am no longer caring for a child living in heaven, I actually have a child here on earth who needs me. I look at him and overwhelming joy and love succombs me. Is this what bearing a child is suppose to be like? A part of me is saddened as I will never truly experience what "that feeling" is, as I will alway know what its like to have it taken away.
I look at Camden and I am in awe of what he has brought me and my family. I wrote earlier how this child of mine needs me but it is I who needs him. He brought me and my husband joy again, finally we have a child of our own here to care for...It has been a very long journey but it feels good to finally bring a baby home.
I'll leave now with just a few photos of our son.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Birthday Eve of our Rainbow Baby
It's been over 2 months since I last blogged. Where do I even begin.
I apologize for the lack of attention to this blog. It's not for lack of thought of my little girl nor the lack of grieving. A part of me just wanted to hide under a hole for the next few months until I got to the date where I knew things would be ok.
I am writing today of all days because tomorrow I will be giving birth to my rainbow baby. There are so many emotions going through me and all equally the same. Nervousness, excitement, petrified, grief, you name it I'm feeling it.
There is one thing I'd like to acknowledge is the fact that tomorrow is Presidents Day. Last year Presidents Day I gave birth to my first child. In some ways I feel I have come full circle in this funny thing called life. Tomorrow was not suppose to be my induction date but fate stepped in and decided it needed it to be. I'm gladly accepting this fact.
In one whole year I've went from hitting the lowest point in my life, a feeling that I never thought I'd come out of to sitting here today with an excitement of meeting this little guy growing inside of me. He represents everything that I've been dreaming of my whole life. He also represents the strength that both Marlon and I had throughout this journey. It wasn't easy by all means but come tomorrow we will finally be able to see the fruits of our labor and cherish this gift that God has given us.
I've come to accept the fact that things happen for a reason. As tragic and horrifing as losing a child is I honestly believe that God took Alyssa from me in order for me to be the person I am today. What happend with Alyssa has paved the path I'm on. If it weren't for Alyssa passing this little boy will not be here today nor would he be born tomorrow.
The fact that something so precious and dear was taken from me, I am able to really accept this incredible gift and cherish it for what it is. I have so much more patience then I ever thought I could and I have this because I know that in any second it could be taken away from me so why sweat the small stuff.
All this was taught to me by my daughter who I never got to know and yet who has taught me more then anyone else. I know that she's watching over me and my family today and I know she will be with us tomorrow as we welcome our son. While I wish with all my might that she was here with us I know that she will be in spirit.
While a part of me is excited for tomorrow there is another event looming around that's been on mind. This coming Wednesday is Alyssa's birthday. While I wanted to do something for her with Marlon, I unfortunately will be in the hospital recovering from my C-section.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her but I know that she is no longer here and she will never come back. I've accepted that and have learned to cope with her being gone. In some ways I think that's why I haven't written because I've learned to live my life without her. I put her in a special place in my heart. I often smile now when I think of her and that's something I never thought I'd be able to do.
Alyssa - Has it really been one year already? Where has time gone? I felt like it was just yesterday when we were given the horrific news that your heart had suddenly stopped. Your Daddy and I were in a state of shock as we wanted you more then anything. Your passing hit us both hard but I also think that your passing really solidified our relationship and has made our relationship stronger than it's ever been.
I know you're watching over us and helping us through this journey. We will be welcoming your baby brother tomorrow. We are beyond excited to welcome him but at the same time nostalgic that we were not able to give you the same welcome. We know things happen for a reason and that one day it will be you who will welcome us home in heaven.
Please continue to watch over us...Happy Birthday baby girl. We love you so much!
I apologize for the lack of attention to this blog. It's not for lack of thought of my little girl nor the lack of grieving. A part of me just wanted to hide under a hole for the next few months until I got to the date where I knew things would be ok.
I am writing today of all days because tomorrow I will be giving birth to my rainbow baby. There are so many emotions going through me and all equally the same. Nervousness, excitement, petrified, grief, you name it I'm feeling it.
There is one thing I'd like to acknowledge is the fact that tomorrow is Presidents Day. Last year Presidents Day I gave birth to my first child. In some ways I feel I have come full circle in this funny thing called life. Tomorrow was not suppose to be my induction date but fate stepped in and decided it needed it to be. I'm gladly accepting this fact.
In one whole year I've went from hitting the lowest point in my life, a feeling that I never thought I'd come out of to sitting here today with an excitement of meeting this little guy growing inside of me. He represents everything that I've been dreaming of my whole life. He also represents the strength that both Marlon and I had throughout this journey. It wasn't easy by all means but come tomorrow we will finally be able to see the fruits of our labor and cherish this gift that God has given us.
I've come to accept the fact that things happen for a reason. As tragic and horrifing as losing a child is I honestly believe that God took Alyssa from me in order for me to be the person I am today. What happend with Alyssa has paved the path I'm on. If it weren't for Alyssa passing this little boy will not be here today nor would he be born tomorrow.
The fact that something so precious and dear was taken from me, I am able to really accept this incredible gift and cherish it for what it is. I have so much more patience then I ever thought I could and I have this because I know that in any second it could be taken away from me so why sweat the small stuff.
All this was taught to me by my daughter who I never got to know and yet who has taught me more then anyone else. I know that she's watching over me and my family today and I know she will be with us tomorrow as we welcome our son. While I wish with all my might that she was here with us I know that she will be in spirit.
While a part of me is excited for tomorrow there is another event looming around that's been on mind. This coming Wednesday is Alyssa's birthday. While I wanted to do something for her with Marlon, I unfortunately will be in the hospital recovering from my C-section.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her but I know that she is no longer here and she will never come back. I've accepted that and have learned to cope with her being gone. In some ways I think that's why I haven't written because I've learned to live my life without her. I put her in a special place in my heart. I often smile now when I think of her and that's something I never thought I'd be able to do.
Alyssa - Has it really been one year already? Where has time gone? I felt like it was just yesterday when we were given the horrific news that your heart had suddenly stopped. Your Daddy and I were in a state of shock as we wanted you more then anything. Your passing hit us both hard but I also think that your passing really solidified our relationship and has made our relationship stronger than it's ever been.
I know you're watching over us and helping us through this journey. We will be welcoming your baby brother tomorrow. We are beyond excited to welcome him but at the same time nostalgic that we were not able to give you the same welcome. We know things happen for a reason and that one day it will be you who will welcome us home in heaven.
Please continue to watch over us...Happy Birthday baby girl. We love you so much!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
A Time to Reflect
Today is suppose to be a day of thanks and I am very thankful for what I DO have. I know there are people out there who have it way worse. But a part of me questions how I can truly be thankful when a part of me was taken away. How can I be thankful for something I DON'T have?
This time last year I was still the "innocent" girl who thought she was invincible. Who was so thankful for the life that she was carrying inside of her. It was just a week ago last year that I found out I was having a baby girl. A baby girl that I was suppose to care for, love, cherish and watch grow up.
I remember vividly being on Facebook and writing how thankful I was for what I had and was going to have. Little did I know that just 3 months later my life would turn completely upside down that all my hopes and dreams would be taken away from me.
If you haven't noticed already my heart is very heavy today. This was suppose to be our first thanksgiving with Alyssa. I still can't believe that she's not here. That I can't share her with the world. It's been over 9 months since we've said hello and goodbye all at the same time.
On the flip side there is a new tiny miracle growing inside me. This miracle is what's keeping me hopeful, he is helping me see that there is still beauty in life that while there may be storms that pass through our lives, there are also rainbows after that storm. I'll never forget the storm that passed because it devasted my entire life but seeing this rainbow eases the pain and makes me appreciate what I do have, right here, right now.
I'm sort of at a loss for words today but I wanted to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving. Hoping you are spending the day with the ones you love and even though you may be going through a rough time right now I hope you can find one thing that you are thankful for...There is so much beauty out there in the world.
This time last year I was still the "innocent" girl who thought she was invincible. Who was so thankful for the life that she was carrying inside of her. It was just a week ago last year that I found out I was having a baby girl. A baby girl that I was suppose to care for, love, cherish and watch grow up.
I remember vividly being on Facebook and writing how thankful I was for what I had and was going to have. Little did I know that just 3 months later my life would turn completely upside down that all my hopes and dreams would be taken away from me.
If you haven't noticed already my heart is very heavy today. This was suppose to be our first thanksgiving with Alyssa. I still can't believe that she's not here. That I can't share her with the world. It's been over 9 months since we've said hello and goodbye all at the same time.
On the flip side there is a new tiny miracle growing inside me. This miracle is what's keeping me hopeful, he is helping me see that there is still beauty in life that while there may be storms that pass through our lives, there are also rainbows after that storm. I'll never forget the storm that passed because it devasted my entire life but seeing this rainbow eases the pain and makes me appreciate what I do have, right here, right now.
I'm sort of at a loss for words today but I wanted to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving. Hoping you are spending the day with the ones you love and even though you may be going through a rough time right now I hope you can find one thing that you are thankful for...There is so much beauty out there in the world.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
39% Viabitliy
I've just reached 24 weeks. In another life I would be ecstatic because that means that my baby just reached viability. That if for whatever reason this baby of mine decided to make its appearance in the world today it would have a 39% chance of survival.
While I know this IS a huge milestone in this journey of mine it still doesn't make me feel better knowing that Alyssa died at 32 weeks. Statistics state that at 32 weeks there is a 95% chance of survival. Bullshit.
I learned the hard way that statistics are just numbers. The only thing that will make me feel comfortable/relieved is when I get to hold this crying baby in my arms.
What I am comforted in knowing is that as I get through each week this baby is getting stronger and is getting ready to make its debut. Can the next 16 weeks just get here already?? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that this baby will be here.
These past 2 years have been such a long hard journey for me. It boggles my mind sometimes knowing that 14 out of the 24 months I've actually been pregnant. Yet no living baby to show for it.
I know what I signed up for...I know this road wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm really proud of how I've approached this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful and optimistic that this time everything will work out in the end. Of course I have my episodes where my mind gets the best of me, but I push those thoughts aside as easily as they come.
As I feel this baby kick more and more each day (and each day I feel they're getting stronger) I fall more deeply in love.
Marlon and I already say just how much he takes after his daddy with the way he kicks away till the wee hours of the morning. It's amazing how different he already is when I compare him to Alyssa. This baby cannot stop moving! I thought I knew his sleeping patterns but then I feel him ALOT. I feel like he barely gets any sleep. Yet with Alyssa, she was so chill, of course she moved alot too but she had a pattern, and I barely saw her move when I would go in for ultrasounds. I remember the tech having to shake my belly just to wake her up. With this baby, the tech couldn't keep up with his movements as he kept moving away from her =)
Anyways, I know I'm almost there...16 weeks really isn't that far from now and with the holidays coming up I'm sure the days will fly by. Not to mention when I start going in for my weekly ultrasounds. I'm sure I'll be writing much more when that happens.
While I know this IS a huge milestone in this journey of mine it still doesn't make me feel better knowing that Alyssa died at 32 weeks. Statistics state that at 32 weeks there is a 95% chance of survival. Bullshit.
I learned the hard way that statistics are just numbers. The only thing that will make me feel comfortable/relieved is when I get to hold this crying baby in my arms.
What I am comforted in knowing is that as I get through each week this baby is getting stronger and is getting ready to make its debut. Can the next 16 weeks just get here already?? I wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that this baby will be here.
These past 2 years have been such a long hard journey for me. It boggles my mind sometimes knowing that 14 out of the 24 months I've actually been pregnant. Yet no living baby to show for it.
I know what I signed up for...I know this road wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm really proud of how I've approached this pregnancy. I'm very hopeful and optimistic that this time everything will work out in the end. Of course I have my episodes where my mind gets the best of me, but I push those thoughts aside as easily as they come.
As I feel this baby kick more and more each day (and each day I feel they're getting stronger) I fall more deeply in love.
Marlon and I already say just how much he takes after his daddy with the way he kicks away till the wee hours of the morning. It's amazing how different he already is when I compare him to Alyssa. This baby cannot stop moving! I thought I knew his sleeping patterns but then I feel him ALOT. I feel like he barely gets any sleep. Yet with Alyssa, she was so chill, of course she moved alot too but she had a pattern, and I barely saw her move when I would go in for ultrasounds. I remember the tech having to shake my belly just to wake her up. With this baby, the tech couldn't keep up with his movements as he kept moving away from her =)
Anyways, I know I'm almost there...16 weeks really isn't that far from now and with the holidays coming up I'm sure the days will fly by. Not to mention when I start going in for my weekly ultrasounds. I'm sure I'll be writing much more when that happens.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
October Update
I'm turning into a really bad blogger. I apologize for that. I don't know if this is a good sign that I don't need this outlet as much as I used to or if I'm just ignoring the grief I still have (will always have).
Today is the last day of October...where has the month gone? A part of me can't believe how fast this month has gone by and yet another part of me can't believe there is still 17 or so weeks to go before we welcome our new baby. Most importantly I can't believe it's been over 8 months since Alyssa. I feel like a completely different person now. I don't know who I was before Alyssa, days after Alyssa, even a few months ago. I feel like I'm continously changing as I try to find my "new normal".
This past month has been a signifigant month for Marlon and I. This was the month we found out whether we are having a girl or a boy. I personally always knew deep down that I was having a girl based on the fact that I had the same symptoms (which was barely nothing). Going in for our ultrasound was nerve wrecking. I think anytime I go for an ultrasound I always get super nervous just for the simple fact that the Doctor may once again tell me that our baby has no heart beat.
Anyways, the first part of the exam was uneventful, the tech was telling us all the different parts of the anatomy she was looking at which was all normal. Halfway through she asked if we wanted to know the sex and we said yes. It took less then 30 seconds for her to say that she knew what it was.
It's a...................................BOY! (pics below just for proof!)
I was in complete shock. I believe I had my mouth open and just stared at her in disbelief...A boy??? Really!?!?! How could that be? It was suppose to be a girl. But then it hit me, no it's not suppose to be a girl...It was suppose to be Alyssa but it isn't and she's not coming back.
I looked at Marlon and the excitement that he had on his face really melted my heart and I knew that everything was going to be ok. We're having a boy, and we are going to love this baby like no other.
In some ways I think it's a good thing that we're having a boy. If we had another girl I may have put all my hopes and dreams I had for Alyssa into this new baby. This gives me a clean slate, a fresh new start and I am looking forward to it.
I'm not going to lie a part of me is still sad that it isn't a girl. I keep thinking what if I never get a chance to have another girl again. I guess that's really up to GOD. I'm just grateful for what I do have and thank him every single day that he has blessed Marlon and I with another chance at a baby.
I will be 23 weeks this week. I'm feeling the baby kick more often, and the kicks are getting much stronger. Marlon actually just felt him kick the other day which was nice. This baby is so much more active then Alyssa was. I am not sure if its because I'm having a boy or that's just his personality but it gives me great comfort feeling him kick.
This month we also met and had a consultation with a high risk doctor. We now have an action plan for the rest of this pregnancy which also gives me some relief. Starting at 28 weeks I will go for weekly ultrasounds to check the blood flow of the umbilical cord (make sure there is no clotting), as well as go in for Non Stress Tests twice a week.
There is no estimated time of delivery yet but if all goes well we're looking at delivering at 38 or 39 weeks. It's going to be a very hectic time for us once we hit 28 weeks but it's also comforting to know that we will be watched very closely.
That's pretty much it! I'm glad the holidays are coming up since I know time usually flies by. I also know it's going to be bittersweet as this was suppose to Alyssa's first holiday with us. I just hope she's watching over us and knows that her mommy and daddy are trying their very hardest to live their life and we do hope we make her proud.
Lastly I wanted to share a song with you that really hits home. It's a Taylor Swift Song called "Ronan" and it's a true story about a 4 year old who died of cancer. One might ask what can I possibly have in common with a boy who actually lived. The fact is, this parent still had to mourn the loss of her child. Below are the lyricsc that really hit home for me. I've also shared the video as well.
I remember the drive home
When the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming why
Flowers pile up in the worst way
No one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died
And its about to be halloween
You could be anything
You wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day
When I kissed your face
And I whispered in your ear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room
And this hospital grey will just disappear
Today is the last day of October...where has the month gone? A part of me can't believe how fast this month has gone by and yet another part of me can't believe there is still 17 or so weeks to go before we welcome our new baby. Most importantly I can't believe it's been over 8 months since Alyssa. I feel like a completely different person now. I don't know who I was before Alyssa, days after Alyssa, even a few months ago. I feel like I'm continously changing as I try to find my "new normal".
This past month has been a signifigant month for Marlon and I. This was the month we found out whether we are having a girl or a boy. I personally always knew deep down that I was having a girl based on the fact that I had the same symptoms (which was barely nothing). Going in for our ultrasound was nerve wrecking. I think anytime I go for an ultrasound I always get super nervous just for the simple fact that the Doctor may once again tell me that our baby has no heart beat.
Anyways, the first part of the exam was uneventful, the tech was telling us all the different parts of the anatomy she was looking at which was all normal. Halfway through she asked if we wanted to know the sex and we said yes. It took less then 30 seconds for her to say that she knew what it was.
It's a...................................BOY! (pics below just for proof!)
I was in complete shock. I believe I had my mouth open and just stared at her in disbelief...A boy??? Really!?!?! How could that be? It was suppose to be a girl. But then it hit me, no it's not suppose to be a girl...It was suppose to be Alyssa but it isn't and she's not coming back.
I looked at Marlon and the excitement that he had on his face really melted my heart and I knew that everything was going to be ok. We're having a boy, and we are going to love this baby like no other.
In some ways I think it's a good thing that we're having a boy. If we had another girl I may have put all my hopes and dreams I had for Alyssa into this new baby. This gives me a clean slate, a fresh new start and I am looking forward to it.
I'm not going to lie a part of me is still sad that it isn't a girl. I keep thinking what if I never get a chance to have another girl again. I guess that's really up to GOD. I'm just grateful for what I do have and thank him every single day that he has blessed Marlon and I with another chance at a baby.
I will be 23 weeks this week. I'm feeling the baby kick more often, and the kicks are getting much stronger. Marlon actually just felt him kick the other day which was nice. This baby is so much more active then Alyssa was. I am not sure if its because I'm having a boy or that's just his personality but it gives me great comfort feeling him kick.
This month we also met and had a consultation with a high risk doctor. We now have an action plan for the rest of this pregnancy which also gives me some relief. Starting at 28 weeks I will go for weekly ultrasounds to check the blood flow of the umbilical cord (make sure there is no clotting), as well as go in for Non Stress Tests twice a week.
There is no estimated time of delivery yet but if all goes well we're looking at delivering at 38 or 39 weeks. It's going to be a very hectic time for us once we hit 28 weeks but it's also comforting to know that we will be watched very closely.
That's pretty much it! I'm glad the holidays are coming up since I know time usually flies by. I also know it's going to be bittersweet as this was suppose to Alyssa's first holiday with us. I just hope she's watching over us and knows that her mommy and daddy are trying their very hardest to live their life and we do hope we make her proud.
I remember the drive home
When the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming why
Flowers pile up in the worst way
No one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died
And its about to be halloween
You could be anything
You wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day
When I kissed your face
And I whispered in your ear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room
And this hospital grey will just disappear
Sunday, September 30, 2012
September In A Nut Shell
It's been over a month since I last blogged. It's not because I no longer need this outlet and it's not because this new life I'm creating has taken over my grief. The main reason why I haven't written is because every time I do write, I find myself feeling down and depressed.
After Alyssa passed I told myself that if I were to ever get pregnant again that I would try to be the happiest, stress free person that I can be. I don't want this new baby to feel anything but love and happiness.
I still think about Alyssa every day...that's crazy right?!? To think about someone every single day without seeing them this whole time. The reason I'm writing today is because it's the last day of September and I wanted to document everything that's happened this month.
The first was celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's already been two years. I've been with Marlon a total of 10 years now and I really couldn't be any happier. I found a man who I know will literally be there for me through thick and thin. When I was at the lowest point in my life he picked me up and carried me through that dark time. I didn't think I'd ever get to see happiness again, let alone smile again. He doesn't even need to say a word, but just knowing that he's there for me is a comfort in itself. We are the epitome of "through thick and thin" I know we've already hit our lowest point (knock on wood), I just hope we get to enjoy the highest point in our lives soon. Anyways, we celebrated this year by having a lovely dinner.
The second milestone was celebrating my 32nd birthday. It was super low key...It first started off by having a surprise lunch thrown by my friends at work. We ate at this very delicious fried chicken joint. Then the day before my birthday I had lunch with the family and then had dinner with my friends the day of. It was nice to be able to see everyone and was so happy that I was able to celebrate it with the people I love.
It's so hard to imagine that a year ago I was pregnant with Alyssa and I just couldn't wait to celebrate these exact two milestones with her. It's still so hard to accept sometimes. I also know however that this new baby wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Alyssa and for that I am finding a new hopefulness and a new kind of joy.
This month is also a break through month for me. Usually when I see people I don't know and they ask me if I have any children I would say no for the fact that I didn't want to have to get into my whole history plus the fact that I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. Yet, two times this month I have been able to tell people that this is my second child and that my first unfortunately passed away. I myself am comfortable saying it but I do know that this statement makes people feel uncomfortable. In the end I'm just happy that I'm able to acknowledge that Alyssa did exist without feeling like I'm going to break down and cry.
Another thing that I've been trying my hardest to do (as I stated earlier in this post) is to have a stress free pregnancy. I am the type of person who is very emotional and sensitive. I take what people say to literal and care too much about what people think. I wasn't too good at it being pregnant with Alyssa so I made a vow that I will do what ever I can to avoid it this time around. So, if that means that I need to avoid certain people or situations I will for the sake of this baby.
I may seem like I'm completely back to my old self, that because I'm laughing, smiling, and enjoying this pregnancy that I am done grieving. That is so far from the truth. I grieve every single day. I miss Alyssa with all my heart and soul and would honestly give up my own life if I could have saved hers. I don't expect people to understand because I know that they can't unless they've walked in my shoes. There is no formula for grieving a child, I just go with the flow and hope that each day I've made the best possible decisions in my life. I know I'm not perfect and I know I may hurt some feelings along the way but I'm really trying my best to be optimistic instead of diving deep into this black hole in my heart.
I'm grateful for my family for being there for me, we may not have the perfect relationship all the time but I honestly couldn't of asked for better people in my life.
I am grateful for my friends who have been through hell and back with me. For letting me cry, bitch, worry about anything and everything. They don't judge me and they accept me for who I am.
Well that's September in a nutshell. I know it's a jumble of all kinds of things but that's what happens when I don't write for an entire month.
A quick update - Baby Ing is doing wonderful! We've gotten all of the genetics test back and all has come back negative. I am starting to feel the baby kick though it's few and far between right now.
October is going to be an exiciting month as Marlon and I get to find out what we're having! The announcement may come later in the month as I want to make sure friends and family know from us first instead of finding out on this blog. Hope you understand!
After Alyssa passed I told myself that if I were to ever get pregnant again that I would try to be the happiest, stress free person that I can be. I don't want this new baby to feel anything but love and happiness.
I still think about Alyssa every day...that's crazy right?!? To think about someone every single day without seeing them this whole time. The reason I'm writing today is because it's the last day of September and I wanted to document everything that's happened this month.
The first was celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's already been two years. I've been with Marlon a total of 10 years now and I really couldn't be any happier. I found a man who I know will literally be there for me through thick and thin. When I was at the lowest point in my life he picked me up and carried me through that dark time. I didn't think I'd ever get to see happiness again, let alone smile again. He doesn't even need to say a word, but just knowing that he's there for me is a comfort in itself. We are the epitome of "through thick and thin" I know we've already hit our lowest point (knock on wood), I just hope we get to enjoy the highest point in our lives soon. Anyways, we celebrated this year by having a lovely dinner.
The second milestone was celebrating my 32nd birthday. It was super low key...It first started off by having a surprise lunch thrown by my friends at work. We ate at this very delicious fried chicken joint. Then the day before my birthday I had lunch with the family and then had dinner with my friends the day of. It was nice to be able to see everyone and was so happy that I was able to celebrate it with the people I love.
It's so hard to imagine that a year ago I was pregnant with Alyssa and I just couldn't wait to celebrate these exact two milestones with her. It's still so hard to accept sometimes. I also know however that this new baby wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Alyssa and for that I am finding a new hopefulness and a new kind of joy.
This month is also a break through month for me. Usually when I see people I don't know and they ask me if I have any children I would say no for the fact that I didn't want to have to get into my whole history plus the fact that I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. Yet, two times this month I have been able to tell people that this is my second child and that my first unfortunately passed away. I myself am comfortable saying it but I do know that this statement makes people feel uncomfortable. In the end I'm just happy that I'm able to acknowledge that Alyssa did exist without feeling like I'm going to break down and cry.
Another thing that I've been trying my hardest to do (as I stated earlier in this post) is to have a stress free pregnancy. I am the type of person who is very emotional and sensitive. I take what people say to literal and care too much about what people think. I wasn't too good at it being pregnant with Alyssa so I made a vow that I will do what ever I can to avoid it this time around. So, if that means that I need to avoid certain people or situations I will for the sake of this baby.
I may seem like I'm completely back to my old self, that because I'm laughing, smiling, and enjoying this pregnancy that I am done grieving. That is so far from the truth. I grieve every single day. I miss Alyssa with all my heart and soul and would honestly give up my own life if I could have saved hers. I don't expect people to understand because I know that they can't unless they've walked in my shoes. There is no formula for grieving a child, I just go with the flow and hope that each day I've made the best possible decisions in my life. I know I'm not perfect and I know I may hurt some feelings along the way but I'm really trying my best to be optimistic instead of diving deep into this black hole in my heart.
I'm grateful for my family for being there for me, we may not have the perfect relationship all the time but I honestly couldn't of asked for better people in my life.
I am grateful for my friends who have been through hell and back with me. For letting me cry, bitch, worry about anything and everything. They don't judge me and they accept me for who I am.
Well that's September in a nutshell. I know it's a jumble of all kinds of things but that's what happens when I don't write for an entire month.
A quick update - Baby Ing is doing wonderful! We've gotten all of the genetics test back and all has come back negative. I am starting to feel the baby kick though it's few and far between right now.
October is going to be an exiciting month as Marlon and I get to find out what we're having! The announcement may come later in the month as I want to make sure friends and family know from us first instead of finding out on this blog. Hope you understand!
Monday, August 20, 2012
6 months
Happy 6 month birthday Alyssa!
I am no different than any mother who acknowledges their child's montly birthday. The only difference is that I'm giving you this greeting here on earth while you are growing up in heaven.
I can't believe it's already been 6 months since you were born...6 months really isn't that long ago and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. It's crazy to think what I was doing just 6 months and 2 days ago...I was still that innocent young first time mother who was enjoying every single day being pregnant. What I would give to get that innocence back. I feel like I've aged so much since you've left. Gone now is the innocence and is now replaced with reservation.
I've accepted your fate as well as mine. I know that I will always be jaded and I will always greive for you, but there is also a new found wisdom about me that I could of only learned from you.
You've taught me so much in such a short amount of time and they are lessons that I'll carry with me till my dying day. You've made me cherish every day that I wake up in the morning as I now know that life can pass us by with a blink of an eye and with no reason or cause.
I never would of thought that I'd be here today so hopeful of tomorrow as I carry this new life inside of me...your little baby brother or sister. I don't know what life has in store for me in the next 6 months but I do hope that it has something to do with hearing the sweet sound of a baby crying.
I love you so much! Thank you for continuing to guide me through this crazy thing called life. I can't wait till we meet again.
I am no different than any mother who acknowledges their child's montly birthday. The only difference is that I'm giving you this greeting here on earth while you are growing up in heaven.
I can't believe it's already been 6 months since you were born...6 months really isn't that long ago and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. It's crazy to think what I was doing just 6 months and 2 days ago...I was still that innocent young first time mother who was enjoying every single day being pregnant. What I would give to get that innocence back. I feel like I've aged so much since you've left. Gone now is the innocence and is now replaced with reservation.
I've accepted your fate as well as mine. I know that I will always be jaded and I will always greive for you, but there is also a new found wisdom about me that I could of only learned from you.
You've taught me so much in such a short amount of time and they are lessons that I'll carry with me till my dying day. You've made me cherish every day that I wake up in the morning as I now know that life can pass us by with a blink of an eye and with no reason or cause.
I never would of thought that I'd be here today so hopeful of tomorrow as I carry this new life inside of me...your little baby brother or sister. I don't know what life has in store for me in the next 6 months but I do hope that it has something to do with hearing the sweet sound of a baby crying.
I love you so much! Thank you for continuing to guide me through this crazy thing called life. I can't wait till we meet again.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
July 23: Fortunes and a Heartbeat
written 7/23/12 (8 weeks 4 days)
We have a heartbeat!!
Okay I just had to get that off my chest.
This past week and a half has been nerve wrecking. As much as I tried to not think about the worst I just couldn't help but go there, especially when the Dr. tells you there is a "50/50 chance" of having this baby be viable.
So I woke up this morning earlier then normal since I couldn't really sleep. Marlon and I got to the lab right on time and it wasn't long after that we were called. The tech looked at our history before she called us so she knew that we were there just a week and a half ago and we didn't see a baby.
She pretty much told me that there was no need to do the external ultrasound since it's still very early and that we would go straight to the transvaginal ultrasound. The minute the wand was inside we were able to see the sac almost instantly. The tech turned on the speaker and we immediately heard our babies heartbeat. For a minute I thought I was listening to my own and even had to ask her and she said "that's your baby." Ahhh! That was music to my ears!!
Our baby's heartbeat was 172bpm (beats per minute) and according to the tech this was normal. She also said that everything else about the baby was perfect...There is nothing else I'd expect to hear.
It's amazing how one week can make such a difference. In my heart of hearts I knew that there was a little peanut in there and my body was physically telling me that there was too! I am so glad that we were given the good news that we wanted to hear. I couldn't of asked for a more perfect day (other then Alyssa being here with me of course.)
A few weeks ago I mentioned that we all went out to dinner for Marlon's birthday. We ate at this delicious chinese/korean restaurant. At the end of the dinner they gave out fortune cookies. Marlon and I each got a fortune that I swear was totally meant for us...
Marlon's Fortune:
My fortune:
One of our other family members got this fortune, I think it was Mar's dad:
So without further adieu I would like to introduce you all to Baby Ing:
We have a heartbeat!!
Okay I just had to get that off my chest.
This past week and a half has been nerve wrecking. As much as I tried to not think about the worst I just couldn't help but go there, especially when the Dr. tells you there is a "50/50 chance" of having this baby be viable.
So I woke up this morning earlier then normal since I couldn't really sleep. Marlon and I got to the lab right on time and it wasn't long after that we were called. The tech looked at our history before she called us so she knew that we were there just a week and a half ago and we didn't see a baby.
She pretty much told me that there was no need to do the external ultrasound since it's still very early and that we would go straight to the transvaginal ultrasound. The minute the wand was inside we were able to see the sac almost instantly. The tech turned on the speaker and we immediately heard our babies heartbeat. For a minute I thought I was listening to my own and even had to ask her and she said "that's your baby." Ahhh! That was music to my ears!!
Our baby's heartbeat was 172bpm (beats per minute) and according to the tech this was normal. She also said that everything else about the baby was perfect...There is nothing else I'd expect to hear.
It's amazing how one week can make such a difference. In my heart of hearts I knew that there was a little peanut in there and my body was physically telling me that there was too! I am so glad that we were given the good news that we wanted to hear. I couldn't of asked for a more perfect day (other then Alyssa being here with me of course.)
A few weeks ago I mentioned that we all went out to dinner for Marlon's birthday. We ate at this delicious chinese/korean restaurant. At the end of the dinner they gave out fortune cookies. Marlon and I each got a fortune that I swear was totally meant for us...
Marlon's Fortune:
My fortune:
One of our other family members got this fortune, I think it was Mar's dad:
So without further adieu I would like to introduce you all to Baby Ing:
July 15: Letting Nature Take It's Course
written 7/15/12 (7 weeks 3 days)
Last week was an exciting and scary week. We started out by seeing my O.B. last Tuesday, this was the first time we've seen her since Alyssa's passing and I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. To my surprise her reaction was actually very warm. She congratulated us on getting pregnant and is really hoping for the best.
We basically did a lot of talking, she was trying her best to calm my fears but at the same time there really isn't much she can do at this point since I am still very on. Never the less she said that she would write a referral for me to get an ultrasound so that I can ease my fears and see my baby early.
I went ahead and called for an appointment to get an ultrasound and ideally I wanted it to be for next week however because they were booked I had to take an earlier appointment which was last Friday. This ultrasound would barely make me 7 weeks and in my heart I knew that it was early but I've also heard of ladies who have gone in earlier and was able to detect a heart beat.
Friday rolls around and I'm trying to stay as cool as can be. We get to the ultrasound and to make a long story short the tech was only able to detect the gestational sac and yolk sac, but no fetal pole and no heartbeat. A Doctor ended up coming in and basically told me that by looking at the sac I am measuring about 6 and a 1/2 weeks and that in itself is too early too detect anything. He suggested that I come back in a week to check for viability. The Doctor said that at this point we basically have a 50/50 chance.
I left the appointment feeling confused at what to think and how to feel. I've heard about women not being able to see anything in the ultrasound because they came in too early but at the same time I've also known women to come in at 6 weeks and see their little peanut.
My saving grace out of all this is that I have no bleeding or cramping. I am hoping that my dates are off and I am earlier then I thought I was. I am hoping that my rainbow is really in there and she/he is growing and thriving. I go back on the 23rd to check on the growth and check for viability.
At this point there really is nothing I can do. As much as I want to take control of the situation, I can't, and I learned this the hard way when Alyssa died. I know deep down that there is a baby inside me but only time can tell. I just have to let nature take its course. Till then I'm just trying to keep busy and not think about it so much. I have to admit that the first 2 days after the appointment I spent hours online trying to get as much information as possible but what I read on the internet started to scare me even more so I quit cold turkey.
As for how I'm feeling , I still feel the same as I did last week. Severly tired, constantly hungry, I'm getting the icky feeling more than before but not to the point of vomitting (though I did do it once but that was because of the food I ate.) This whole time I've been pregnant I haven't gained one pound yet this past week I ended up gaining a pound and a half!! I must of been really bad this week ;)
On another side note it was Marlon's birthday this past week on the 10th and we had a nice quiet dinner with his family. He also was able to take two weeks off which is RARE and I'm trying to savor this time with him because I know for a fact that the next time he'll be off again for more then 3 days is when this baby is born (hoping that this baby is born.)
Last week was an exciting and scary week. We started out by seeing my O.B. last Tuesday, this was the first time we've seen her since Alyssa's passing and I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. To my surprise her reaction was actually very warm. She congratulated us on getting pregnant and is really hoping for the best.
We basically did a lot of talking, she was trying her best to calm my fears but at the same time there really isn't much she can do at this point since I am still very on. Never the less she said that she would write a referral for me to get an ultrasound so that I can ease my fears and see my baby early.
I went ahead and called for an appointment to get an ultrasound and ideally I wanted it to be for next week however because they were booked I had to take an earlier appointment which was last Friday. This ultrasound would barely make me 7 weeks and in my heart I knew that it was early but I've also heard of ladies who have gone in earlier and was able to detect a heart beat.
Friday rolls around and I'm trying to stay as cool as can be. We get to the ultrasound and to make a long story short the tech was only able to detect the gestational sac and yolk sac, but no fetal pole and no heartbeat. A Doctor ended up coming in and basically told me that by looking at the sac I am measuring about 6 and a 1/2 weeks and that in itself is too early too detect anything. He suggested that I come back in a week to check for viability. The Doctor said that at this point we basically have a 50/50 chance.
I left the appointment feeling confused at what to think and how to feel. I've heard about women not being able to see anything in the ultrasound because they came in too early but at the same time I've also known women to come in at 6 weeks and see their little peanut.
My saving grace out of all this is that I have no bleeding or cramping. I am hoping that my dates are off and I am earlier then I thought I was. I am hoping that my rainbow is really in there and she/he is growing and thriving. I go back on the 23rd to check on the growth and check for viability.
At this point there really is nothing I can do. As much as I want to take control of the situation, I can't, and I learned this the hard way when Alyssa died. I know deep down that there is a baby inside me but only time can tell. I just have to let nature take its course. Till then I'm just trying to keep busy and not think about it so much. I have to admit that the first 2 days after the appointment I spent hours online trying to get as much information as possible but what I read on the internet started to scare me even more so I quit cold turkey.
As for how I'm feeling , I still feel the same as I did last week. Severly tired, constantly hungry, I'm getting the icky feeling more than before but not to the point of vomitting (though I did do it once but that was because of the food I ate.) This whole time I've been pregnant I haven't gained one pound yet this past week I ended up gaining a pound and a half!! I must of been really bad this week ;)
On another side note it was Marlon's birthday this past week on the 10th and we had a nice quiet dinner with his family. He also was able to take two weeks off which is RARE and I'm trying to savor this time with him because I know for a fact that the next time he'll be off again for more then 3 days is when this baby is born (hoping that this baby is born.)
July 6: I Love Me Some Morning Sickness
written 7/6/12 (6 weeks 1 day)
Dear Baby,
You've just reached the 6 week mark!! It's another milestone, another day of being pregnant seems like a huge win for us.
I wish I didn't have to worry about all the things that could go wrong, but I unfortuantely know first hand that it can because it's happend before. My pregnancy this time around is no longer waiting for trimesters to end as a check point. This time around my check points are to hear your heartbeat and see you for the first time on an ultrasound. This will hopefully come within the next week or two.
I felt my first wave of nasuea the other day...It was such a welcomed sign because I've been wanting that reassurance that you're real. It's amazing how my mentality has changed from my first pregnancy to this one. With my first pregnancy I dreaded morning sickness and I'd complain SO much how horrible it felt (even though my MS did not even come close to some other people). Yet, this pregnancy is making me yearn for the sickness...if this MS is a sign that you arre thriving and getting all the nutrients you need then by all means please take what ever you need!
I think your daddy is still a little reserved with his feelings for you. I don't think he wants to really accept that you're real until he sees you. But I can see changes in him here and there. I think the more I get sick the better he feels because he knows you're the reason behind it=)
Please continue to grow and thrive...You are the glimmer of hope that I've been praying for since your big sister left us. I am beyond happy that you decided to appear just months after and I can't wait to see you for the first time.
In the meantime feel free to make your presence known by making me as sick as you want! Don't worry I won't complain =) Love you baby!
Dear Baby,
You've just reached the 6 week mark!! It's another milestone, another day of being pregnant seems like a huge win for us.
I wish I didn't have to worry about all the things that could go wrong, but I unfortuantely know first hand that it can because it's happend before. My pregnancy this time around is no longer waiting for trimesters to end as a check point. This time around my check points are to hear your heartbeat and see you for the first time on an ultrasound. This will hopefully come within the next week or two.
I felt my first wave of nasuea the other day...It was such a welcomed sign because I've been wanting that reassurance that you're real. It's amazing how my mentality has changed from my first pregnancy to this one. With my first pregnancy I dreaded morning sickness and I'd complain SO much how horrible it felt (even though my MS did not even come close to some other people). Yet, this pregnancy is making me yearn for the sickness...if this MS is a sign that you arre thriving and getting all the nutrients you need then by all means please take what ever you need!
I think your daddy is still a little reserved with his feelings for you. I don't think he wants to really accept that you're real until he sees you. But I can see changes in him here and there. I think the more I get sick the better he feels because he knows you're the reason behind it=)
Please continue to grow and thrive...You are the glimmer of hope that I've been praying for since your big sister left us. I am beyond happy that you decided to appear just months after and I can't wait to see you for the first time.
In the meantime feel free to make your presence known by making me as sick as you want! Don't worry I won't complain =) Love you baby!
July 1: 5 week update
written 7/1 (5weeks 3 days)
Well I've reached another week. I know it doesn't seem much but every day that I wake up and know that I'm still pregnant is a blessing to me. I sometimes I wonder if I really am pregnant since I don't really have strong symptoms but I know it's still early and it will probably get stronger in the weeks to come.
The few symptoms that I am having is constant urination, extreme fatigue, constant hunger and a growing waistline line. It's crazy how early I'm starting to show already. I mean I know it's only been 4 months since Alyssa which is causing my uterous to easily expand but come on it's not even 2 months yet! Oh well, I'm not going to complain about it...I'm just blessed to be given this miracle and I'm embracing all that comes with it.
With this growling waistline poses the question on when I will announce this pregnancy. Marlon and I are hesistant to announce so early...We want to wait until we at least see our Dr. to confirm this pregnancy h/ever it's getting very difficult to keep this secret. A part of me wants to scream to the world that it's happend, that Alyssa is going to be a big sister! This is especially true to the family and friends who have shared in this greiving process. I mean they have seen me at my worst and there's nothing more that I want to do then to let them know that there is a ray of light shining through in my life again. But a part of me will always have that fear whether or not this baby will actually make it. I fear that something bad will happen and I will lose another baby and I have to give people bad news once again.
I guess I just have to let things happen when they happen. At the end of the day Marlon and I are ok with telling our nearest and dearest. Afterall, it doesn't make a difference waiting till the second trimester when supposedly your chances of miscarrying drop dramatically and yet I lost Alyssa at 32 weeks, in her third trimester when supposedly she was in the clear.
Our first appointment with the Dr. is on 7/10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday it seems so long from now but it's really only a little over a week. I'm petrified with this appointment, mainly because I'm scared I'm going to hear those words again "I'm sorry but we can't find a heartbeat." I'm trying my hardest to think positive, that what happend with Alyssa was a freak accident, that there is no correlation with what happend to her and this new baby.
I wish to God that I was oblivious to all this...I want my innocence back and really enjoy this experience. Unfortunately I was one of the chosen few but I'll take it and make the most of it. I say that because I now know that this miracle that God gave me will not be taken for granted. I'm going to love this baby just as much as I loved Alyssa. I just wish that Alyssa was here to grow up with her little brother/sister. I'm also a realist and know that this baby wouldn't be here right now if Alyssa hadn't passed. This gift is bittersweet to say the least...I just hope it has a better ending then what happend with Alyssa.
I am only 5 and a half weeks into this pregnancy and I don't know where life will take me but I just hope that at the end of this journey I get to hear the sweet sounds of a baby crying!
Well I've reached another week. I know it doesn't seem much but every day that I wake up and know that I'm still pregnant is a blessing to me. I sometimes I wonder if I really am pregnant since I don't really have strong symptoms but I know it's still early and it will probably get stronger in the weeks to come.
The few symptoms that I am having is constant urination, extreme fatigue, constant hunger and a growing waistline line. It's crazy how early I'm starting to show already. I mean I know it's only been 4 months since Alyssa which is causing my uterous to easily expand but come on it's not even 2 months yet! Oh well, I'm not going to complain about it...I'm just blessed to be given this miracle and I'm embracing all that comes with it.
With this growling waistline poses the question on when I will announce this pregnancy. Marlon and I are hesistant to announce so early...We want to wait until we at least see our Dr. to confirm this pregnancy h/ever it's getting very difficult to keep this secret. A part of me wants to scream to the world that it's happend, that Alyssa is going to be a big sister! This is especially true to the family and friends who have shared in this greiving process. I mean they have seen me at my worst and there's nothing more that I want to do then to let them know that there is a ray of light shining through in my life again. But a part of me will always have that fear whether or not this baby will actually make it. I fear that something bad will happen and I will lose another baby and I have to give people bad news once again.
I guess I just have to let things happen when they happen. At the end of the day Marlon and I are ok with telling our nearest and dearest. Afterall, it doesn't make a difference waiting till the second trimester when supposedly your chances of miscarrying drop dramatically and yet I lost Alyssa at 32 weeks, in her third trimester when supposedly she was in the clear.
Our first appointment with the Dr. is on 7/10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday it seems so long from now but it's really only a little over a week. I'm petrified with this appointment, mainly because I'm scared I'm going to hear those words again "I'm sorry but we can't find a heartbeat." I'm trying my hardest to think positive, that what happend with Alyssa was a freak accident, that there is no correlation with what happend to her and this new baby.
I wish to God that I was oblivious to all this...I want my innocence back and really enjoy this experience. Unfortunately I was one of the chosen few but I'll take it and make the most of it. I say that because I now know that this miracle that God gave me will not be taken for granted. I'm going to love this baby just as much as I loved Alyssa. I just wish that Alyssa was here to grow up with her little brother/sister. I'm also a realist and know that this baby wouldn't be here right now if Alyssa hadn't passed. This gift is bittersweet to say the least...I just hope it has a better ending then what happend with Alyssa.
I am only 5 and a half weeks into this pregnancy and I don't know where life will take me but I just hope that at the end of this journey I get to hear the sweet sounds of a baby crying!
June 23: Dear Baby
written June 23, 2012 (4.3 weeks)
Dear Baby,
Hi - you don't know me yet but I'm your mommy. I learned about you just a few days ago and I couldn't be more excited to have you.
I am writing this lettter to you in secret. You see no on but your daddy and I know that you exsist. As much as we want to tell the whole world that we're going to be parents again, our first baby (your big sister) unfortuantely did not arrive with a happy ending. You see your big sister Alyssa is growing up in heaven. We lost her just 4 months ago and your daddy and I's life have never been the same since.
So as you can see keeping you a secret is something we want to keep and protect. You can say that we are guarded, we really put our heart and soul into it with your sister and it all came crashing down. I hope that as each day goes by I am able to slowly bring my guard down.
I'm sure there will be lots more to update but till then I wanted to let you know that I love you already...I just need you to do whatever you can to grow and thrive so that I can kiss you when I meet you.
Love,
Mom
Dear Baby,
Hi - you don't know me yet but I'm your mommy. I learned about you just a few days ago and I couldn't be more excited to have you.
I am writing this lettter to you in secret. You see no on but your daddy and I know that you exsist. As much as we want to tell the whole world that we're going to be parents again, our first baby (your big sister) unfortuantely did not arrive with a happy ending. You see your big sister Alyssa is growing up in heaven. We lost her just 4 months ago and your daddy and I's life have never been the same since.
So as you can see keeping you a secret is something we want to keep and protect. You can say that we are guarded, we really put our heart and soul into it with your sister and it all came crashing down. I hope that as each day goes by I am able to slowly bring my guard down.
I'm sure there will be lots more to update but till then I wanted to let you know that I love you already...I just need you to do whatever you can to grow and thrive so that I can kiss you when I meet you.
Love,
Mom
June 23: Rambling Saturday
written June 23, 2012
It's been a whole 3 days since I've learned I am carrying my rainbow baby. I don't think it's really sank in on how BIG this news is. I wonder if my mind just won't let me accept this news for fear that this baby may not make it at the end. All I can do is take it day by day and be thankful that there are no signs of miscarriage.
Marlon and I have decided not to tell anyone until we at least go to the doctor and get our first ultra sound; to get proof that our rainbow really is in there. Till then we are keeping this our little secret. It's kind of fun in a way to know a secret so big that no one knows. At the same time I can't wait to tell our family and friends. They have been through the saddest of times with me and I would want nothing more then to finally share some good news! I just hope that this good news comes with a crying baby at the end.
So far I've been doing ok...I sometimes get this "icky" feeling but more then anything I am just really tired. All I feel like doing is laying in bed. My first appointment with our O.B. is on July 10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday. I hope that this appointment confirms the pregnancy and I can give Marlon some good news.
Till then I'm kind of just going about my days as if nothings changed. I don't think my mind will let me dream the way I used to dream. I've been scarred and been hurt way too deep to not let myself get to that place again. It's sad in a way, and I hope that if this pregnancy does continue that I can feel excitement again. This little peanut deserves to have just as much hopefulness, excitement, love as Alyssa did and I do hope that I can give that to him/her.
I don't know what this blog will turn into in the next few weeks/months. At first it was a place for me to go to and write about my grief as well as a place to remember and talk about Alyssa. Now, I see it as a way to update people on the progress of my pregnancy, to document everything that happens no matter what the outcome is.
This by no means replaces Alyssa's space on this blog as I am still grieving for my little girl and wish more then anything that she was here with me, and that I didn't have this memorial blog.
In the end this blog is about a girl who had big dreams only to have them taken away by a cruel twist of fate. This girl learned things about herself that she never knew before and litterally had to pick up pieces of her life that came crumbling down. Now, life has given her another chance, and she is trying her hardest to embrace this new life inside her. It's a struggle but as she lives day to day she's hoping that she becomes more hopeful and more excited.
It's been a whole 3 days since I've learned I am carrying my rainbow baby. I don't think it's really sank in on how BIG this news is. I wonder if my mind just won't let me accept this news for fear that this baby may not make it at the end. All I can do is take it day by day and be thankful that there are no signs of miscarriage.
Marlon and I have decided not to tell anyone until we at least go to the doctor and get our first ultra sound; to get proof that our rainbow really is in there. Till then we are keeping this our little secret. It's kind of fun in a way to know a secret so big that no one knows. At the same time I can't wait to tell our family and friends. They have been through the saddest of times with me and I would want nothing more then to finally share some good news! I just hope that this good news comes with a crying baby at the end.
So far I've been doing ok...I sometimes get this "icky" feeling but more then anything I am just really tired. All I feel like doing is laying in bed. My first appointment with our O.B. is on July 10 which also happens to be Marlon's birthday. I hope that this appointment confirms the pregnancy and I can give Marlon some good news.
Till then I'm kind of just going about my days as if nothings changed. I don't think my mind will let me dream the way I used to dream. I've been scarred and been hurt way too deep to not let myself get to that place again. It's sad in a way, and I hope that if this pregnancy does continue that I can feel excitement again. This little peanut deserves to have just as much hopefulness, excitement, love as Alyssa did and I do hope that I can give that to him/her.
I don't know what this blog will turn into in the next few weeks/months. At first it was a place for me to go to and write about my grief as well as a place to remember and talk about Alyssa. Now, I see it as a way to update people on the progress of my pregnancy, to document everything that happens no matter what the outcome is.
This by no means replaces Alyssa's space on this blog as I am still grieving for my little girl and wish more then anything that she was here with me, and that I didn't have this memorial blog.
In the end this blog is about a girl who had big dreams only to have them taken away by a cruel twist of fate. This girl learned things about herself that she never knew before and litterally had to pick up pieces of her life that came crumbling down. Now, life has given her another chance, and she is trying her hardest to embrace this new life inside her. It's a struggle but as she lives day to day she's hoping that she becomes more hopeful and more excited.
June 20: A Rainbow is Conceived
written June 20, 2012
Well folks it happened! Marlon and I are pregnant!! I still can't believe it...
I woke today feeling weird and something inside me just told me to test. Of course with the luck I've been having these past few months I told myself that it was probably negative. As I waited for the test to give me its results, my heart just started beating really fast. The three minutes felt like hours. As I was brushing my teeth I looked down at the test and low and behold it said "Pregnant".
I felt numb neither in a good way nor a bad way. I just stood there and kept staring at the test thinking if I blinked that it would actually say "Not Pregnant" that my mind somehow played a cruel trick on me. I closed my eyes and just took it all in.
Pregnant.
A life is once again growing inside me. Before I shared my news with Marlon I decided to take this time for myself. I walked over to the living room where Alyssa's ashes were and I just stood there staring at the tiny memorial we made for her. I picked up her ashes and with tears in my eyes thanked her. I knew she had some sort of hand in helping me get pregnant. I asked her to please take care of me as I walked this long and scary road. I asked her to bless this new life and protect her baby brother or sister.
I then went to our bed room, got in bed and told Marlon that I had his father's day gift. He said in a slumber "I told you, you didn't have to get me anything" I then said "yes, but I did anyway so you have to see what it is"...he then warily opened his eyes and looked straight at the HPT and for a while he kept saying "I can't see it" and "I don't know what it says", I finally said "what do you think it says if I'm showing you this!!!!"...He then finally really looked at it and said "I told you, you were pregnant."
Ok, so maybe the last few weeks I've been having some pregnancy symptoms but I didn't want myself to think that I was because I'd be crushed if I actually wasn't. Yet, this whole time Marlon kept saying he's sure that I am. Guess he was right with that one!
So as of today I am 3 weeks 6 days and my due date is 2/28/2013. I don't know what the next 8-9 months will hold for me. I'm sure it's going to be a scary ride and I just hope that in the end I have a screaming baby coming out of me. Those cries will be sweet music to my ears.
Well folks it happened! Marlon and I are pregnant!! I still can't believe it...
I woke today feeling weird and something inside me just told me to test. Of course with the luck I've been having these past few months I told myself that it was probably negative. As I waited for the test to give me its results, my heart just started beating really fast. The three minutes felt like hours. As I was brushing my teeth I looked down at the test and low and behold it said "Pregnant".
I felt numb neither in a good way nor a bad way. I just stood there and kept staring at the test thinking if I blinked that it would actually say "Not Pregnant" that my mind somehow played a cruel trick on me. I closed my eyes and just took it all in.
Pregnant.
A life is once again growing inside me. Before I shared my news with Marlon I decided to take this time for myself. I walked over to the living room where Alyssa's ashes were and I just stood there staring at the tiny memorial we made for her. I picked up her ashes and with tears in my eyes thanked her. I knew she had some sort of hand in helping me get pregnant. I asked her to please take care of me as I walked this long and scary road. I asked her to bless this new life and protect her baby brother or sister.
I then went to our bed room, got in bed and told Marlon that I had his father's day gift. He said in a slumber "I told you, you didn't have to get me anything" I then said "yes, but I did anyway so you have to see what it is"...he then warily opened his eyes and looked straight at the HPT and for a while he kept saying "I can't see it" and "I don't know what it says", I finally said "what do you think it says if I'm showing you this!!!!"...He then finally really looked at it and said "I told you, you were pregnant."
Ok, so maybe the last few weeks I've been having some pregnancy symptoms but I didn't want myself to think that I was because I'd be crushed if I actually wasn't. Yet, this whole time Marlon kept saying he's sure that I am. Guess he was right with that one!
So as of today I am 3 weeks 6 days and my due date is 2/28/2013. I don't know what the next 8-9 months will hold for me. I'm sure it's going to be a scary ride and I just hope that in the end I have a screaming baby coming out of me. Those cries will be sweet music to my ears.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Cat's Outta The Bag
What secret have I finally started telling you might ask??
Well everyone, I'm pregnant!! Yes, my dear Alyssa is going to be a big sister.
I just reached twelve weeks yesterday and I do apologize for the late announcement however because I do have close friends and family who often read this blog, I wanted to make sure they heard the news from us first before I announced it here.
This is the main reason why I haven't been writing so much however I have been secretly writing throughout this pregnancy which I will share with you all right after I end this post.
Now that our news is out in the open I feel relieved. It also feels more real the more we tell people. How I'm feeling you ask? I'm scared shitless and yet hopeful at the same time. I want to love this baby with every once of my being but at the same time don't want to open myself up like I did with Alyssa for fear that my hopes and dreams may once again come crashing down.
I no longer look months ahead but instead glad that I made it through another day knowing that my baby is still alive. I pray everynight hoping that this time, I will get the ending that I wanted so desperately with Alyssa.
The one big change in my life this time around is that I no longer stress about the small stuff nor the big stuff if I can help it. It's crazy how things have changed. What would normally drive me crazy no longer fazes me.
I have 28 more weeks to go and GOD knows what a crazy ride this will be. I've already had some freakout moments which you will soon find out but I know that I have GOD on my side, not to mention a very special angel watching out for Marlon and I.
Here is the latest picture of our little gummy bear...Come on you have to admit that this baby of mine sorta looks like one ;)
Alyssa - I can only imagine where you are right now and how carefree you must be...I miss you so much and still think about you on a daily basis. I know that you are looking down at your Daddy and I and consistently watching over us, guiding us. We need you more then ever...We need you to watch over your little baby brother/sister. I know you'll do the best you can. We love you baby girl...
Well everyone, I'm pregnant!! Yes, my dear Alyssa is going to be a big sister.
I just reached twelve weeks yesterday and I do apologize for the late announcement however because I do have close friends and family who often read this blog, I wanted to make sure they heard the news from us first before I announced it here.
This is the main reason why I haven't been writing so much however I have been secretly writing throughout this pregnancy which I will share with you all right after I end this post.
Now that our news is out in the open I feel relieved. It also feels more real the more we tell people. How I'm feeling you ask? I'm scared shitless and yet hopeful at the same time. I want to love this baby with every once of my being but at the same time don't want to open myself up like I did with Alyssa for fear that my hopes and dreams may once again come crashing down.
I no longer look months ahead but instead glad that I made it through another day knowing that my baby is still alive. I pray everynight hoping that this time, I will get the ending that I wanted so desperately with Alyssa.
The one big change in my life this time around is that I no longer stress about the small stuff nor the big stuff if I can help it. It's crazy how things have changed. What would normally drive me crazy no longer fazes me.
I have 28 more weeks to go and GOD knows what a crazy ride this will be. I've already had some freakout moments which you will soon find out but I know that I have GOD on my side, not to mention a very special angel watching out for Marlon and I.
Here is the latest picture of our little gummy bear...Come on you have to admit that this baby of mine sorta looks like one ;)
Alyssa - I can only imagine where you are right now and how carefree you must be...I miss you so much and still think about you on a daily basis. I know that you are looking down at your Daddy and I and consistently watching over us, guiding us. We need you more then ever...We need you to watch over your little baby brother/sister. I know you'll do the best you can. We love you baby girl...
Saturday, July 7, 2012
In My Dreams
In my dreams...
She is here by my side. I can feel her warmth, smell her scent and hear her cries.
She's growing faster then I can even imagine. She is starting to look like her mommy and act more like her Daddy.
She looks at me with those big brown eyes and smiles those heartwarming smiles.
She's running towards me as I pick her up and swing her around with glee.
I tuck her in bed and read her a bed time story. I whisper to her how much I love her, she looks at me, reaches over and puts her hand on my cheek and tells me she loves me too.
In my dreams...
She is here by my side. I can feel her warmth, smell her scent and hear her cries.
She's growing faster then I can even imagine. She is starting to look like her mommy and act more like her Daddy.
She looks at me with those big brown eyes and smiles those heartwarming smiles.
She's running towards me as I pick her up and swing her around with glee.
I tuck her in bed and read her a bed time story. I whisper to her how much I love her, she looks at me, reaches over and puts her hand on my cheek and tells me she loves me too.
In my dreams...
Sad
I usually get inspired to write through songs, quotes, poems. This post is inspired by a song that I've been listening to lately from Maroon 5 called "sad".
This song envokes a sense of sadness in me...He talks about what could of been. How he is scared to know that there may not be another love like he just had. That he is holding on by thin thread.
This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. I'm scared to death that my one chance to have a child is gone and I will never get that chance again. That these past four months I've been holding on by a glimmer of hope. To fill these empty arms that have been aching since Alyssa left.
I'll let you hear the song for yourself...Enjoy!
Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
This song envokes a sense of sadness in me...He talks about what could of been. How he is scared to know that there may not be another love like he just had. That he is holding on by thin thread.
This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. I'm scared to death that my one chance to have a child is gone and I will never get that chance again. That these past four months I've been holding on by a glimmer of hope. To fill these empty arms that have been aching since Alyssa left.
Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Waking Up to Another Day
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write...I promise that I will update you all soon on what's been going on with me. Today I just wanted to write about how I'm doing and as usual how much I'm missing Alyssa.
It's July 1st...Another month has come and gone. I sometimes think what my life would be like if Alyssa was here. What I'd be doing and what stage in her life she'd be. Had she been born on her actual due date then I should still be on maternity leave. I should be enjoying the first few months of motherhood, and complaining how tired I am. I should be bonding with my child. Instead, I'm at home sitting in front of a computer writing about how much I miss my daughter instead of actually being with her.
I'm ok though...really I am! 4 months has really helped me accept what's happend and I'm at peace with it all. I don't think I'm 100% there but I'm getting there...I can feel it. In the early months I used to wake up because I had to wake up. I was in survival mode and only did things because my body told me to. I was in a daze, a zombie if you will. Did I really want to wake up and face another day? No not really. How can someone wake up and go on knowing that their whole life was just ripped away.
Now, I can honestly say that I wake up in the morning because I want to. I wake up each day to let the world know that I've overcome something so tragic and I can live to tell about it.
I wake up each day because I promised Alyssa I would. I told her that I'd make her proud of me that I would live each day like it was my last. That I would know no fear and love like I've never loved before.
I wake up each day hopeful that Marlon and I can be blessed with another child and will actually get to take that child home and raise them like we've always dreamed of.
I wake up each day remembering who I was, what I've gone through and hopeful of where I'm going.
Alyssa - my love, I miss you. I wish I can tell you this in person and I can't wait for the day that we are reunited. I often wonder what that first meeting will be like? Will I know it's you? What will you look like? Will you be the baby that I remember? Or the lovely women you were suppose to grow up to be. Either way, I can't wait for the day when I can look into your eyes, pull you into my arms and tell you how much I love and miss you. Till then I'm living my life just like I promised you I would. Thanks for continuing to look after your daddy and I...We both miss you dearly. Love, Mom
It's July 1st...Another month has come and gone. I sometimes think what my life would be like if Alyssa was here. What I'd be doing and what stage in her life she'd be. Had she been born on her actual due date then I should still be on maternity leave. I should be enjoying the first few months of motherhood, and complaining how tired I am. I should be bonding with my child. Instead, I'm at home sitting in front of a computer writing about how much I miss my daughter instead of actually being with her.
I'm ok though...really I am! 4 months has really helped me accept what's happend and I'm at peace with it all. I don't think I'm 100% there but I'm getting there...I can feel it. In the early months I used to wake up because I had to wake up. I was in survival mode and only did things because my body told me to. I was in a daze, a zombie if you will. Did I really want to wake up and face another day? No not really. How can someone wake up and go on knowing that their whole life was just ripped away.
Now, I can honestly say that I wake up in the morning because I want to. I wake up each day to let the world know that I've overcome something so tragic and I can live to tell about it.
I wake up each day because I promised Alyssa I would. I told her that I'd make her proud of me that I would live each day like it was my last. That I would know no fear and love like I've never loved before.
I wake up each day hopeful that Marlon and I can be blessed with another child and will actually get to take that child home and raise them like we've always dreamed of.
I wake up each day remembering who I was, what I've gone through and hopeful of where I'm going.
Alyssa - my love, I miss you. I wish I can tell you this in person and I can't wait for the day that we are reunited. I often wonder what that first meeting will be like? Will I know it's you? What will you look like? Will you be the baby that I remember? Or the lovely women you were suppose to grow up to be. Either way, I can't wait for the day when I can look into your eyes, pull you into my arms and tell you how much I love and miss you. Till then I'm living my life just like I promised you I would. Thanks for continuing to look after your daddy and I...We both miss you dearly. Love, Mom
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
4 Months
I know I say this a lot but I can't believe how fast time has flown by. I miss Alyssa still, probably now more then ever but somethings been different lately. I feel like I am able to coexist with the fact that she isn't here with me.
I had another dream recently...It's probably got to be the best dream I've had since Alyssa passed. I dreamt that I had another baby, another baby girl and this time she made it out alive. The dream was so clear...I remember my mom coming into my hospital room carrying my daughter and she gave her to me. I stared at her and just memorized her face...she was adorable. I didn't name her in my dream but I knew she was my second child.
Not sure what led me to dream this...but I woke up very happy. I hope that's a sign of what's ahead because I want that happiness. I want to be able to stare into the eyes of my baby and just take everything in.
I think that ever since we received Alyssa's autopsy reports a part of me was finally able to get closure. Before then I was always wondering what was wrong, what happened, and if it will happen again. Now that I know that what happened was so rare that it probably will not happen again, I can finally exhale and start looking forward towards the future.
This dream was a validation of how I want my life to get better, but its really up to me to do so, I feel a change coming and I am so ready for it! I of course will never forget the past, it is after all what has made me who I am today, and despite how bad things got for me I'm actually grateful that I was able to come out of this much stronger and more grateful.
I've also learned to just slow it down. My whole life I've always been eager to get to the next phase in my life. When I was 13 I wanted to be sixteen, then when I turned sixteen I wanted to be eighteen, on and on. Alyssa's passing forced me to stop, when she died it was so hard to get through the day let alone breathe. Now, I'm happy to say that I'm not so anxious. That I can stop, look around and just take everything in.
There is so much to be grateful for. This tragedy could of ruined Marlon and I but instead it has made our relationship so much stronger. This tragedy could of made me run the opposite way from having another child, but it's only made me more determined to try again. This tragedy could of damaged every single friendship I've made since no on would understand what I'm going through but instead I've gotten closer to my friends and know that through think and thin they will be there for me just as I will be there for them.
I always knew that time would help ease the pain but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would actually be hopeful for life this early, it's been 4 months and here I am just waiting to be happy.
I survived the most tragic scenario...Not a lot of people can say that they've been through hell and back but I have! So life, here I am patiently waiting, happiness can't come any sooner...
I had another dream recently...It's probably got to be the best dream I've had since Alyssa passed. I dreamt that I had another baby, another baby girl and this time she made it out alive. The dream was so clear...I remember my mom coming into my hospital room carrying my daughter and she gave her to me. I stared at her and just memorized her face...she was adorable. I didn't name her in my dream but I knew she was my second child.
Not sure what led me to dream this...but I woke up very happy. I hope that's a sign of what's ahead because I want that happiness. I want to be able to stare into the eyes of my baby and just take everything in.
I think that ever since we received Alyssa's autopsy reports a part of me was finally able to get closure. Before then I was always wondering what was wrong, what happened, and if it will happen again. Now that I know that what happened was so rare that it probably will not happen again, I can finally exhale and start looking forward towards the future.
This dream was a validation of how I want my life to get better, but its really up to me to do so, I feel a change coming and I am so ready for it! I of course will never forget the past, it is after all what has made me who I am today, and despite how bad things got for me I'm actually grateful that I was able to come out of this much stronger and more grateful.
I've also learned to just slow it down. My whole life I've always been eager to get to the next phase in my life. When I was 13 I wanted to be sixteen, then when I turned sixteen I wanted to be eighteen, on and on. Alyssa's passing forced me to stop, when she died it was so hard to get through the day let alone breathe. Now, I'm happy to say that I'm not so anxious. That I can stop, look around and just take everything in.
There is so much to be grateful for. This tragedy could of ruined Marlon and I but instead it has made our relationship so much stronger. This tragedy could of made me run the opposite way from having another child, but it's only made me more determined to try again. This tragedy could of damaged every single friendship I've made since no on would understand what I'm going through but instead I've gotten closer to my friends and know that through think and thin they will be there for me just as I will be there for them.
I always knew that time would help ease the pain but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would actually be hopeful for life this early, it's been 4 months and here I am just waiting to be happy.
I survived the most tragic scenario...Not a lot of people can say that they've been through hell and back but I have! So life, here I am patiently waiting, happiness can't come any sooner...
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