Birthday Eve of our Rainbow Baby

It's been over 2 months since I last blogged. Where do I even begin.

I apologize for the lack of attention to this blog.  It's not for lack of thought of my little girl nor the lack of grieving.  A part of me just wanted to hide under a hole for the next few months until I got to the date where I knew things would be ok.

I am writing today of all days because tomorrow I will be giving birth to my rainbow baby.  There are so many emotions going through me and all equally the same.  Nervousness, excitement, petrified, grief, you name it I'm feeling it.

There is one thing I'd like to acknowledge is the fact that tomorrow is Presidents Day.  Last year Presidents Day I gave birth to my first child.  In some ways I feel I have come full circle in this funny thing called life.  Tomorrow was not suppose to be my induction date but fate stepped in and decided it needed it to be.  I'm gladly accepting this fact.

In one whole year I've went from hitting the lowest point in my life, a feeling that I never thought I'd come out of to sitting here today with an excitement of meeting this little guy growing inside of me.  He represents everything that I've been dreaming of my whole life.  He also represents the strength that both Marlon and I had throughout this journey.  It wasn't easy by all means but come tomorrow we will finally be able to see the fruits of our labor and cherish this gift that God has given us.

I've come to accept the fact that things happen for a reason.  As tragic and horrifing as losing a child is I honestly believe that God took Alyssa from me in order for me to be the person I am today.  What happend with Alyssa has paved the path I'm on.  If it weren't for Alyssa passing this little boy will not be here today nor would he be born tomorrow. 

The fact that something so precious and dear was taken from me, I am able to really accept this incredible gift  and cherish it for what it is.  I have so much more patience then I ever thought I could and I have this because I know that in any second it could be taken away from me so why sweat the small stuff.

All this was taught to me by my daughter who I never got to know and yet who has taught me more then anyone else.  I know that she's watching over me and my family today and I know she will be with us tomorrow as we welcome our son.  While I wish with all my might that she was here with us I know that she will be in spirit.     

While a part of me is excited for tomorrow there is another event looming around that's been on mind.  This coming Wednesday is Alyssa's birthday.  While I wanted to do something for her with Marlon, I unfortunately will be in the hospital recovering from my C-section.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her but I know that she is no longer here and she will never come back.  I've accepted that and have learned to cope with her being gone.  In some ways I think that's why I haven't written because I've learned to live my life without her.  I put her in a special place in my heart.  I often smile now when I think of her and that's something I never thought I'd be able to do. 

Alyssa - Has it really been one year already?  Where has time gone?  I felt like it was just yesterday when we were given the horrific news that your heart had suddenly stopped.  Your Daddy and I were in a state of shock as we wanted you more then anything.  Your passing hit us both hard but I also think that your passing really solidified our relationship and has made our relationship stronger than it's ever been. 

I know you're watching over us and helping us through this journey.  We will be welcoming your baby brother tomorrow.  We are beyond excited to welcome him but at the same time nostalgic that we were not able to give you the same welcome.  We know things happen for a reason and that one day it will be you who will welcome us home in heaven. 

Please continue to watch over us...Happy Birthday baby girl.  We love you so much!