Looking Back

I can't believe it's been 2 and a half months since Alyssa was born.  Where has the time gone?  I vividly remember the days leading up to her birth.  My how my life has changed since then.  I used to be so happy and carefree with this pregnancy.  I have to honestly say that it was one of the best times of my life.  I connected with my daugther in such a deep way that there's no words that can describe how I felt.  It saddens me that the people around me couldn't connect with her the way I did.  She was truly a special soul.

This has come as a complete shock to me and I am still learning to live with what happend.  I can honestly say that I'm doing better then the first few weeks after her birth but there's still this hole in my life.  Alyssa was ripped away from me with no warning.  A whole future that I dreamed and planned for, gone with a blink of an eye.  Makes you realize just how precious life is, and what miracle it is to have a living child.

Had I known what I know now I would of done so many things differently. I would of talked to Alyssa more, I would of told her I loved her everyday (even though I'm sure she knows), I would of embraced this pregnancy by not being ashamed of taking pictures of myself and my huge belly. I would of sang to her, I would of done so much more.  I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye while she was still alive.

I have to say though that I never thought I'd be here 2 and a half months out stronger then I have ever been before.  Alyssa has taught me so much in such a short time.  Because of her I know the true meaning of love because I have been saddened with her loss.  I have learned to be more patient because I have already experienced the worst possible thing anybody can ever experience and so, anything else is manageable.  I hope that this is my rock bottom that anything else after this will only get better. 

I love you Alyssa, I hope you are enjoying yourself up there in heaven.  Just wanted to let you know that I miss you dearly.