Yesterday was International Bereaved Mother's Day, a day that I probably would never have even heard about had I not lost my daughter. I hate the fact that I know what this day is and what it represents. I am dreading this upcoming mother's day. This was suppose to be my first mothers day, a day to celebrate what I have become. While I know that I am still a mother to Alyssa I can't help but feel sorrow knowing that I couldn't raise her in this lifetime.
I hate knowing that when random people see me they don't see me as a mother because I don't have my baby here with me. When people see me they don't know that I gave birth to a baby girl and five days later had to kiss her goodbye. They don't know that a week after I had to see my baby girl in a coffin as they dragged her off to have her cremated. An image that I will carry forever and wished that I never had to do. When they carried her away they also carried away all the hopes and dreams I had for her and for my family.
When people see me they see a smile on my face and see the optimism that I have for life (which I honestly do), but they don't know that there is still a hole in my heart and in my life. They see my husband and I but they don't know that there is one missing. There will always be one missing.
While I've learned to accept what's happend I still have those days where I question why. Why me? Why did God bless me with a baby only to take it away 8 months later? Why was I chosen to be an angel mother? I hope one day I can see the bigger picture.
Despite it all, I am still Alyssa's mother. I am honored to be her mommy and I would not trade her for anything in the world. I am glad that she has a mommy who care so deeply for her, who thinks about her everyday, and writes about her in order to keep her memory alive. It's the least that I can do, and I am honored to do it.
To all the other angel mommies out there, I am sorry for your loss and am thinking of you during this time. At the same time I thank you for sharing your stories with me. God knows that I would not be where I am today without you all, and knowing that I am not alone on this road. I hope that this road that we are on will lead us to a happier place and brings us the peace that we are searching for.
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