I have so many things going through my head right now . I'm having one of those days where I miss Alyssa so much that I break down crying at the most random moments. I'm sure it's because Marlon is now back at work and I'm at home by myself and my mind is getting the best of me.
The one thing that's been on my mind lately that I've been meaning to write about was something that happend while I was in Italy. Now before I go any further I want to briefly describe my husband. Marlon is a man's man, he's the type of person who doesn't like to show affection especially if it's in public, and he doesn't really express his feelings. After 10 years together I've come to accept this about him.
I was always amazed that Marlon can go about his life like nothing happend. Don't get me wrong I know that this tragedy hit him hard but I always wondered how he can be totally ok while I'm an absolute mess. Then I realized that he does grieve but he does so in his own way and he just doesn't show it. Anyways, back to my story...
Marlon and I were eating at a restaurant in Venice and we were enjoying the delicious food and wine (2 bottles of it actually, so you know it's good!) I don't know how the subject came up but we started talking about Alyssa and the moments right after she was born.
If you read my earlier post you remember that I opted for a C-Section and that they decided to put me under. Well Marlon told me that after Alyssa was born he was able to have a good 45 minutes alone with her while I was still sedated (since they still needed to sew me up). That shocked me since I had no clue that he had that much time alone with her. Suddenly I needed to hear every little thing that happend while I was out. It was time with my daugther that I didn't know about and I NEEDED to hear everything about her.
I started crying (probably due to the 4th glass of wine I had) when he told me that the minute the doctors gave Alyssa to him he looked at the doctor with tears in his eyes and said "she almost made it." He then said that he made every person in the O.R. cry as he held her and rocked her. This broke my heart as I played this out in my head. Marlon who hates showing his vulerability to strangers breaks down and cries as he held his daugther who was born in heaven and passed much too soon.
Marlon didn't go into detail about what he told Alyssa during the 45 minutes he was alone with her and I'm not going to pry. That time was his time with our daughter and what he said to her will be between them two and I'm ok with that. However if I know Marlon like I think I do I think he told her that this isn't goodbye and he'll see her again someday.
I know that I haven't talked about my trip much but you have no idea how good this trip was for us. Not only were we able to get away for several days but I also felt healed when I came back. One reason why I felt healed was Marlon telling me about his alone time with Alyssa. For the longest time I always wondered why he didn't really say goodbye to her when we were leaving the hospital. He said that he already said his goodbyes and I thought that this was his excuse to not get emotional in front of me. I had no idea that he already said his goodbyes right after she was born. It all makes sense to me now and I feel like Alyssa's story is finally complete.
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