Before this tragedy Alyssa's room used to just be the spare bedroom, a storage room if you ask me. But, when we found out we were expecting, the room changed, it slowly started becoming a nursery. Then, when we found out it was a girl it was no longer a nursery, it became Alyssa's room. Who would of thought that a room can change and grow in an instant.
A few weeks before this tragedy happend I used to constantly go into Alyssa's room trying to get everything ready. We had just gotten her crib and changing table (which my in-laws were so gracious enough to get us) and I literally just bought a night stand the day before she passed. I was contemplating how I was going to decorate the room, I wanted to make it personal and girly. I had already settled on having Alyssa's name on the wall by her crib and was just waiting on a good friend of mine to help (you know who you are! ; ) )
Then she passed and everything changed...
I remember people being concerned how I would react going home and seeing the room. They thought it may have been a good idea to break down the furniture since it may hurt too much to see it. That was so far from the truth. The first thing that I did when I got home was run into her room. I wanted to rip that band aid off as fast as possible and while it hurt like hell to do so, it also helped me to start the healing process.
I won't lie, I cried and wailed like a child, I stood over Alyssa's crib imagining her there with tears streaming down my face. I looked around at that moment and imagined so many happy memories that were supposed to happen. I imagined sitting on a rocking chair (that I never did get) feeding her, I imagined changing Alyssa's diaper on top of her beautiful changing table. These images, a lifetime of images that were never meant to be. Her room was suppose to be a happy place, not once did it occur to me that this room, this peaceful place suddenly became a room for greiving.
Alyssa's room, the nursery, changed back to the "spare bedroom/storage room" hoping one day this room can once again change.
I know exactly how you feel. After we got home and those feelings were so raw, I wanted to be in there and cry and scream. I still try to picture all the happy memories that should have been in that room. Now, Wiley's room helps me heal. I find comfort in in now. We left it just the same and will until we have another baby. I go in there the rock, read or sit and think about him.
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