So Much to Say, so Little Time

"It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend..."

- For Good, Kristin Chenoweth

After having a C-Section with Alyssa I was given up to five days to stay at the hospital.  Since my mom wouldn't return from the Philippines until the fifth day, I decided to stay at the hospital for the full five days.  The reason for that was because I wanted my mom and brother to see her, and also give them the chance to say goodbye. 

Marlon and I had the option to see Alyssa however many times and however long we wanted.  We only chose to see her 3 times out of the five days we were there.  The first day was when she was born, the second was when Marlon's relatives visited, and the last day was when my mom finally arrived.  That last day was also the day we had to say goodbye.

It was a day I was dreading, the last day I'd get to see her pretty face.  After an hour of my mom and older brother being there, we asked if Marlon and I can be left alone to say our final goodbyes.  I knew I was going to be emotional during this time and I didn't want my family to see me that way. 

Once left alone I held Alyssa in my arms and I memorized every single feature of her face and her body.  Her eyes, that I never got to see and will never get to know if she had her daddy's eye color or mine.  Her mouth, and how it was identical to mine.  Her full set of hair which she had gotten from her daddy, and finally I remembered how it felt to hold her in my arms because I knew I would never get to hold her again after that day. 

I started talking to her about anything and everything...Suddenly, I couldn't stop talking.  I wanted to put an entire life's conversation into a mere 5 minutes.  I told her that I would always love her, that I'll never forget her.  I asked her to please watch over her daddy and I.  I asked her to bless us with another baby.  I asked her to please give me the strength to carry on without her.  I kissed her very cold forehead, gave her back to the nurse, and then, she was gone...

I knew that I was talking to a lifeless body, a shell that carried a very beautiful soul.  Yet, I knew that Alyssa heard every single word I said.  I knew that because I am here today stronger then I ever thought I could be.  It's because of her that I am here hopeful of tomorrow.  One would think that after what I went through I would look at the world with hate, but I don't.  I know that there is still beauty in my life.  Like they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  

Just today for example, Marlon and I were walking our dog Onassus and we took a route that I've never walked before.  Out of no where we came across a house decked out in Easter decorations and I couldn't believe how beautiful it looked.  It reminded me of Alyssa.  For some reason everything beautiful reminds me of her.  It made me wonder if this is what heaven was like.  I suddenly pictured Alyssa up there running around playing and laughing.  That thought brought a smile to my face and I knew that at least for today I'd be ok.