Mother's Day

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself spending my first mothers day without my child.  I have been dreading this day for a few weeks now and I have to say today isn't as bad as I thought it would be.  In any event I am still choosing to spend the day at home, I am not in the mood to celebrate.

I could play the "woes me" card and let you all know how horrible this day is for me.  I can yell and scream at GOD for taking my baby away, I can live my life as if it no longer mattered, but I won't.  I will not let something like this break me down.  There is so much more life to live, and I intend to live it to the fullest.  I want to make my baby proud.  I want her to know that I can still laugh, smile, and love.  

As a mother you are suppose to teach your child life skills, like how to function in the outside world.  I unfortunately can't do that with my child living in heaven.  The ironic thing is that Alyssa is the one teaching me these life skills.  Since her passing I am so much more patient, things don't get to me like they used to.  She has taught me to really appreciate the people around me.  I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life.  I know that none of us are guarenteed tomorrow so I'm living today like it's my last.

There is still so much to be thankful for...

I am blessed to have two amazing mothers who love their children unconditionally and will do anything to make them happy. 

I am blessed to be surronded by amazing friends who are also mothers.  You all inspire me and are such amazing mothers to your children.  I can only hope that one day I can raise a child of my own and will take what I've learned from you all into my everyday life. 

Thank you to everyone who has wished me a Happy Mothers Day...It means so much to me that I am still recognized as a mother.  You have made this very dark day shine with light. 

I visited a dear friend of mine the other day.  I haven't seen her in over a month (but it felt like eternity) and it was so nice catching up on everything that's happend in our lives.  Anyways, I started getting teary eyed (I'm just a cry baby these days) because we started talking about Alyssa and she told me that since I was already crying that she might as well give me my mothers day gift.  I seriously didn't expect to get anything for mothers day but it touched me deeply that she did. 

My dear friend Melissa gave me a beautiful card along with a necklace that had three charms each representing something special.  The letter A, the color purple, and angel wings.  I was speechless and of course sobbing.  I wear the necklace everyday.

There was something else that she gave me.  She found a poem that related to me.  I knew that it affected her deeply because she turned away while I read it.  This poem was the most beautiful thing I've ever read and I still cry everytime I read it.  I would like to share it with you now:

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven:

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear

A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know

that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me, somtimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way, to remind her of her wonderous worth

She needs to be honored, and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best

I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity. 

Alyssa - I am missing you more then ever today.  You should be here by my side.  I should be carrying you in my arms instead of my heart.  I hope you are enjoying yourself where ever you are.  You may have only been in my life for a short 8 months but your life has impacted me in ways no one else has.  Most importantly you gave me the greatest gift possible...You gave me the gift of motherhood.  Thank you for that.   

The Spare Bedroom

Before this tragedy Alyssa's room used to just be the spare bedroom, a storage room if you ask me.  But, when we found out we were expecting, the room changed, it slowly started becoming a nursery.  Then, when we found out it was a girl it was no longer a nursery, it became Alyssa's room. Who would of thought that a room can change and grow in an instant.   

A few weeks before this tragedy happend I used to constantly go into Alyssa's room trying to get everything ready.  We had just gotten her crib and changing table (which my in-laws were so gracious enough to get us) and I literally just bought a night stand the day before she passed.   I was contemplating how I was going to decorate the room, I wanted to make it personal and girly.  I had already settled on having Alyssa's name on the wall by her crib and was just waiting on a good friend of mine to help (you know who you are! ; ) )

Then she passed and everything changed...

I remember people being concerned how I would react going home and seeing the room.  They thought it may have been a good idea to break down the furniture since it may hurt too much to see it.  That was so far from the truth.  The first thing that I did when I got home was run into her room.  I wanted to rip that band aid off as fast as possible and while it hurt like hell to do so, it also helped me to start the healing process.

I won't lie, I cried and wailed like a child, I stood over Alyssa's crib imagining her there with tears streaming down my face.  I looked around at that moment and imagined so many happy memories that were supposed to happen.  I imagined sitting on a rocking chair (that I never did get) feeding her, I imagined changing Alyssa's diaper on top of her beautiful changing table.  These images, a lifetime of images that were never meant to be.  Her room was suppose to be a happy place, not once did it occur to me that this room, this peaceful place suddenly became a room for greiving. 

Alyssa's room, the nursery, changed back to the "spare bedroom/storage room" hoping one day this room can once again change.

International Bereaved Mothers Day

Yesterday was International Bereaved Mother's Day, a day that I probably would never have even heard about had I not lost my daughter.  I hate the fact that I know what this day is and what it represents.  I am dreading this upcoming mother's day.  This was suppose to be my first mothers day, a day to celebrate what I have become.  While I know that I am still a mother to Alyssa I can't help but feel sorrow knowing that I couldn't raise her in this lifetime. 

I hate knowing that when random people see me they don't see me as a mother because I don't have my baby here with me. When people see me they don't know that I gave birth to a baby girl and five days later had to kiss her goodbye.  They don't know that a week after I had to see my baby girl in a coffin as they dragged her off to have her cremated.  An image that I will carry forever and wished that I never had to do.  When they carried her away they also carried away all the hopes and dreams I had for her and for my family. 

When people see me they see a smile on my face and see the optimism that I have for life (which I honestly do), but they don't know that there is still a hole in my heart and in my life.  They see my husband and I but they don't know that there is one missing.  There will always be one missing. 

While I've learned to accept what's happend I still have those days where I question why.  Why me?  Why did God bless me with a baby only to take it away 8 months later?  Why was I chosen to be an angel mother? I hope one day I can see the bigger picture. 

Despite it all, I am still Alyssa's mother.  I am honored to be her mommy and I would not trade her for anything in the world.  I am glad that she has a mommy who care so deeply for her, who thinks about her everyday, and writes about her in order to keep her memory alive.  It's the least that I can do, and I am honored to do it. 

To all the other angel mommies out there, I am sorry for your loss and am thinking of you during this time.  At the same time I thank you for sharing your stories with me.  God knows that I would not be where I am today without you all, and knowing that I am not alone on this road.  I hope that this road that we are on will lead us to a happier place and brings us the peace that we are searching for. 

Looking Back

I can't believe it's been 2 and a half months since Alyssa was born.  Where has the time gone?  I vividly remember the days leading up to her birth.  My how my life has changed since then.  I used to be so happy and carefree with this pregnancy.  I have to honestly say that it was one of the best times of my life.  I connected with my daugther in such a deep way that there's no words that can describe how I felt.  It saddens me that the people around me couldn't connect with her the way I did.  She was truly a special soul.

This has come as a complete shock to me and I am still learning to live with what happend.  I can honestly say that I'm doing better then the first few weeks after her birth but there's still this hole in my life.  Alyssa was ripped away from me with no warning.  A whole future that I dreamed and planned for, gone with a blink of an eye.  Makes you realize just how precious life is, and what miracle it is to have a living child.

Had I known what I know now I would of done so many things differently. I would of talked to Alyssa more, I would of told her I loved her everyday (even though I'm sure she knows), I would of embraced this pregnancy by not being ashamed of taking pictures of myself and my huge belly. I would of sang to her, I would of done so much more.  I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye while she was still alive.

I have to say though that I never thought I'd be here 2 and a half months out stronger then I have ever been before.  Alyssa has taught me so much in such a short time.  Because of her I know the true meaning of love because I have been saddened with her loss.  I have learned to be more patient because I have already experienced the worst possible thing anybody can ever experience and so, anything else is manageable.  I hope that this is my rock bottom that anything else after this will only get better. 

I love you Alyssa, I hope you are enjoying yourself up there in heaven.  Just wanted to let you know that I miss you dearly.

A Father's Goodbye

I have so many things going through my head right now .  I'm having one of those days where I miss Alyssa so much that I break down crying at the most random moments.  I'm sure it's because Marlon is now back at work and I'm at home by myself and my mind is getting the best of me. 

The one thing that's been on my mind lately that I've been meaning to write about was something that happend while I was in Italy.  Now before I go any further I want to briefly describe my husband. Marlon is a man's man, he's the type of person who doesn't like to show affection especially if it's in public, and he doesn't really express his feelings. After 10 years together I've come to accept this about him. 

I was always amazed that Marlon can go about his life like nothing happend.  Don't get me wrong I know that this tragedy hit him hard but I always wondered how he can be totally ok while I'm an absolute mess.  Then I realized that he does grieve but he does so in his own way and he just doesn't show it.  Anyways, back to my story... 

Marlon and I were eating at a restaurant in Venice and we were enjoying the delicious food and wine (2 bottles of it actually, so you know it's good!)  I don't know how the subject came up but we started talking about Alyssa and the moments right after she was born. 

If you read my earlier post you remember that I opted for a C-Section and that they decided to put me under.  Well Marlon told me that after Alyssa was born he was able to have a good 45 minutes alone with her while I was still sedated (since they still needed to sew me up).  That shocked me since I had no clue that he had that much time alone with her.  Suddenly I needed to hear every little thing that happend while I was out.  It was time with my daugther that I didn't know about and I NEEDED to hear everything about her.

I started crying (probably due to the 4th glass of wine I had) when he told me that the minute the doctors gave Alyssa to him he looked at the doctor with tears in his eyes and said "she almost made it." He then said that he made every person in the O.R. cry as he held her and rocked her.  This broke my heart as I played this out in my head.   Marlon who hates showing his vulerability to strangers breaks down and cries as he held his daugther who was born in heaven and passed much too soon.

Marlon didn't go into detail about what he told Alyssa during the 45 minutes he was alone with her and I'm not going to pry.  That time was his time with our daughter and what he said to her will be between them two and I'm ok with that.  However if I know Marlon like I think I do I think he told her that this isn't goodbye and he'll see her again someday.

I know that I haven't talked about my trip much but you have no idea how good this trip was for us.  Not only were we able to get away for several days but I also felt healed when I came back.  One reason why I felt healed was Marlon telling me about his alone time with Alyssa.  For the longest time I always wondered why he didn't really say goodbye to her when we were leaving the hospital.  He said that he already said his goodbyes and I thought that this was his excuse to not get emotional in front of me.   I had no idea that he already said his goodbyes right after she was born.  It all makes sense to me now and I feel like Alyssa's story is finally complete. 

I Will Remember You

"...I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much to deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories.."

The first few weeks since Alyssa's passing there was a constant stream of visitors, callers, cards, and company...I loved the company because it gave me a chance to talk about Alyssa.  Just like any mother, I loved to talk about my daughter any chance I got.  As months passed the visitors, callers, and company eventually died down, so my chance of talking about Alyssa died down as well.  Unless someone asks, I usually don't bring her up, and it kills me that I can't do so free willingly without wondering if I'm making people feel weird.  So I suffer in silence thinking about my baby every minute of every day.  I wonder what she's doing, who she looks like, what color her eyes are...I sometimes talk to her in my mind, hoping and praying that she can hear me. 

I thought that this is how my life was going to be like, that I would have to remember my child in silence but that's not the case.  Again, life surprises me in the most unexpected ways.  A few weeks ago a very dear friend of mine randomly sent me a picture of a flower she found while hiking, and she thought that I might like it.  After looking at the flower closely I noticed it was an Iris.  This shocked me to my core as the Iris was Alyssa's birth flower.  Suddenly it hit me...they remember! 

This small tiny gesture brought sweet tears to my eyes.  For the longest time I thought people had forgotten about her, that she was now an after thought in peoples minds.  This proves to me that people do remember my daughter, that she did exist, and she is loved. 

I want people to know that it doesn't make me sad when I talk about my daughter, in fact it's something I'm constantly trying to find a way to do.  When you love someone so much wouldn't you want to talk about them any chance you got? 

Thank you my dear friend Saovanh for remembering Alyssa, this small tiny gesture means so much to me and has made me feel happy again during this very dark time in my life.  Thank you to all who remember Alyssa and continue to remember her.  She has touched my life in such a short time and in such a huge way and I hope she has touched yours as well.

Tears In Heaven

Dear Alyssa,

I woke up today knowing that today was your due date.  I'm not sure how I'm feeling.  A part of me is still sad because of the fact that you are not here with me, but another part of me is at peace knowing that you are in a better place. 

Your daddy and I went to St. Peter and Paul and we lit a candle in honor of you.  I hope you were able to see it.  It's been almost two months since you were born in heaven and not a day goes by that I don't think of you.  I can say that the pain has lessened but it is still there, and I don't think it will ever go away.  I still can't believe that we met with a goodbye kiss.  God, I miss you.

I hope you know just how much I love you...I'm sorry that  I couldn't meet you in this world and that I wasn't able to raise you like I had hoped.  I had such big plans for you, and I often dreamed about our future together.  It saddens me that my hopes and dreams left when you left me.  Now I'm learning to accept this new life of mine without you in it.  Luckily, your dad has been an amazing support system and we are both looking forward to growing our family.  Hopefully one day we will be blessed to bring a baby boy/girl into this world.  You will always be our first born, and I will make sure that your little siblings will grow up knowing that they have an older sister up in heaven, and that you are watching over them.   

Your dad and I just came back yesterday from Italy.  We had a great time despite everything that's happend.  I remember sitting outside of the restaurant on day 2 of our trip listening to the guitarist serenading the crowd.  I started to feel sad, I was sad because this was not how my life was suppose to be.  I started getting teary eyed as I was eating my food, and out of no where the next song the guitarist sang brought me to tears.  He sang "tears in heaven" and as soon as I heard that song, I turned to your daddy and we both knew that it was a sign from you.  You were telling me that you felt my sadness  and that you were there with me.  I know that deep down you were telling me not to be sad and that we will meet again one day.  Until then, I have to be strong and move on with my life.  I heard you loud and clear, I will move on with my life, but I want you to know that you will never be forgotten. 

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven
-Tears in Heaven, Eric Clapton