Waking Up to Another Day

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write...I promise that I will update you all soon on what's been going on with me.  Today I just wanted to write about how I'm doing and as usual how much I'm missing Alyssa.

It's July 1st...Another month has come and gone.  I sometimes think what my life would be like if Alyssa was here.  What I'd be doing and what stage in her life she'd be.  Had she been born on her actual due date then I should still be on maternity leave.  I should be enjoying the first few months of motherhood, and complaining how tired I am.  I should be bonding with my child.  Instead, I'm at home sitting in front of a computer writing about how much I miss my daughter instead of actually being with her.

I'm ok though...really I am!  4 months has really helped me accept what's happend and I'm at peace with it all.  I don't think I'm 100% there but I'm getting there...I can feel it.  In the early months I used to wake up because I had to wake up.  I was in survival mode and only did things because my body told me to.  I was in a daze, a zombie if you will.  Did I really want to wake up and face another day? No not really.  How can someone wake up and go on knowing that their whole life was just ripped away. 

Now, I can honestly say that I wake up in the morning because I want to.  I wake up each day to let the world know that I've overcome something so tragic and I can live to tell about it. 

I wake up each day because I promised Alyssa I would.  I told her that I'd make her proud of me that I would live each day like it was my last.  That I would know no fear and love like I've never loved before. 

I wake up each day hopeful that Marlon and I can be blessed with another child and will actually get to take that child home and raise them like we've always dreamed of. 

I wake up each day remembering who I was, what I've gone through and hopeful of where I'm going.

Alyssa - my love, I miss you.  I wish I can tell you this in person and I can't wait for the day that we are reunited.  I often wonder what that first meeting will be like?  Will I know it's you?  What will you look like?  Will you be the baby that I remember?  Or the lovely women you were suppose to grow up to be.  Either way, I can't wait for the day when I can look into your eyes, pull you into my arms and tell you how much I love and miss you.  Till then I'm living my life just like I promised you I would.  Thanks for continuing to look after your daddy and I...We both miss you dearly.  Love, Mom